Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[Guest_1584]

Sorry farside, l didn't read the nice updated news on the 7th.

And l sure didn't intend on throwing any negative into that so my oligopolies and l wouldn't have wrote our story if l'd senn that post.

Wishen your both the very best and l hope it really brings a new beginning for you two,

lf it's any consolation , l would've tried with my ex, l loved her very much , l felt we could've won the battle and she had even started acknowledging a few things which was real progress for her, but unfortunately there were bigger things like her moving to Australia and things that we just couldn't work out.

Anyway , best of luck

rx

[Guest_1584]

Ahh , that was , apologies , spell checker .

[quirkywords]

farside,

I am so pleased you had a good day and as you say one step at a time. it is something to be grateful for and it is good to enjoy that day.

thanks for the update.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thanks to everyone for the post and for the experience shared by RX - sorry to hear how things panned out in your experience RX

Today has been another good day (so far)...

While I expect no garantees my wife appears to have found a good sense of self awareness and that is a good thing. We have been able to discuss behaviour patterns and traits in a calm and respectful way - she had initiated this conversation.

Weve been able to look at the relationship and understand a little more about each other - including some gaps we have in our knowledge about the past on both sides. We have also had a look online at different things and a bit of YouTube as well.

The new info did give some additional weight to BPD traits having its roots in the formative years as we could identify some other experiences that had a negative impact and may have helped shape her personality.

At this point I am just going to let things unfold as they do. So far it’s positive and she’s not reacted badly to a little truth.

[White_Rose]

Hello FS

Things sound really good and I love that you and your wife are able talk without emotions getting in the way.

I read somewhere that having BPD was like living with constant third degree burns. I think it was in a publication by one of the authorities on BPD. If that's the case I expect you can understand why your wife gets upset when her 'burns' are touched. Hopefully accepting treatment will allow the burns to heal to some extent. At least to a manageable level.

It's a wise decision to let things unfold. If I may add a note of caution, be prepared for some backsliding. No one ever heals from their mental health difficulty without going backwards every so often. It's hard for all of us to decide to take action and get weary of the struggle. We do need to sit and rest for while. Encouragement is gratefully accepted.

Get your wife to keep a journal and encourage her to look back every few months to see where she has come from. Progress is often very slow so it is a boost to recognise even very small steps. I live on my own and have struggled through a huge depression basically on my own. I would have found the journey easier I think if there had been someone with me to encourage me. My family were always supportive but have their own families to take care of so being available for me wasn't always possible.

Congratulations to both of you for getting this far.

Mary

[TheFarSide]

Thankyou for the message Mary. I have planned in my own head for some backward steps in the mix but as long as her direction is to look & work forward overall I will be happy.

Today has been another good day to the time of writing this. I had work and she had school/study but none the less the communication between us remained in a safe space and without conflict.

She has also asked me for the various books today on DBT and BPD as she would like to do a little self reading/help/understanding.

I am pleased to the core that she has taken this direction. The absolute disarray our relationship was In could have seen it fade- it was effectively on the edge of the abyss... I was only hours away from pen to paper on a lease to live elsewhere..

I know she has chosen to battle her own demons here - to put up a fight for the marriage for which I am thankful for.

It had been many many months of a roller coaster of emotions and anger before I finally reached out on a forum. I had reached a point at that stage where inside I felt I knew the outcome.

So here we are... I will continue to provide updates. I know my wife will step backwards from time to time - but she’s reached out a hand for help and I’d be a fool not to hold on to it and see if this journey can have a good outcome.

Thankyou for everyone who has read this. I hope for the good news to continue.

[Guest_7403]

• Remember to always maintain boundaries
• Show empathy but not sympathy
• Don't add fuel to the fire
• Try not too push the subject if she's not willing to discuss right now

She can read those books you read, love me don't leave me, walking on egg shells

Another good one is DBT: anger which is also a good reference

[TheFarSide]

Thanks Borderline and Quirky for your recent posts and suggestions.

A good day it was but she has also taken her first step backwards this evening. Did not see it coming - it was 0 to 100 in record speed.

I just need to go and chill out for awhile and as you say not add fuel to the fire. Find a calm spot and don’t overplay what has just happened in my head against the balance of good that has occurred.

Will update as things progress.

[Guest_7403]

I find personally I may seem calm on the outside but my minds like a duck on water....calm on the outside, turmoil inside.

She may just be holding it all in, and releasing it like tonight out of nowhere.

But it's the first steps

[quirkywords]

TheFarSide

I can understand that you did not see her outburst this evening but you probably knew it was going to happen sometime.

I find borderline’s comments help to understand what is going on.

I hope you found your calm spot and managed to think about the good things that have happened.

Quirky