Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

Hi Mary.

Thank you for your message.

Much of where I am now sits between the lump in my throat that wont budge and the desire to keep going on with life and to put this part behind me.

I will have a look at the SANE website. Along with a great many other websites I did have a look through the various forums and links at SANE before joining Beyond Blue. Beyond blue gave me immediate interaction and that was what I needed when I joined.

Many many years ago my previous partner and I lost a child. It was circumstances outside our control.... we both dealt with the situation very differently but grieved heavily - sometimes together and sometimes apart. I despised the world for a moment. I would forgot who I was. Over time I learned to value things in different ways - I learned to stop and smell the roses while I could - because seasons continually change. I also forgave myself for feeling responsible With my wife I took all I’d learned and experienced through life, love and relationships - both the good and bad - and gave absolutely everything of me to the most wonderful 12 months I’d spent with a partner. The seasons have changed.

Internally I have forgiven my wife.

No matter what she does - I will look her in the eyes and tell her I forgive her when I leave this house the last time as her husband... It will be as much for me as for her. I can’t go forward carrying un-dealt-with negative emotions about people from the present (which will soon be the past) and expect to find a harmonious balance within myself for the future when the grieving phase lessens...

I totally and absolutely dislike what has gone on to bring me here - but I accept it. I thank everyone on the forum for the posts and to those as well that read without responding. I will keep posting further updates.

[TheFarSide]

I started typing out quite a long piece to add to the previous message but I’ve decided to narrow this down to the basics of what has occurred.

My wife approached me this morning. She said she had wanted to talk to me for days but hadn’t been able to... She was apologetic and said she was going to change. She indicated that running from me wasn’t the answer and would be counter to what she needed. Knowing we have been here before i asked what would be different about this time.

While I was at work she arranged doctors referral for a psychologist. She then arranged an appointment with that psychologist for tomorrow. No delays. It’s a start so I am happy for her to begin starting to look into herself.

I will leave it at that for now. Time will tell.

[quirkywords]

Farside

Thanks for the all the updates especially the latest one.

I am pleased she could get an appointment to see a psychologist so quickly.

It is a start .

Quirky

[White_Rose]

Hello FarSide

Thanks for the updates. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your child. Though it was a while ago I'm sure the pain comes back now and then. My daughter miscarried at 19 weeks and it was devastating for everyone.

Great that your wife was able to get an appointment so quickly. I hope it really is the start of becoming well for her. Time will tell.

I can 'hear' your pain in the previous post. It sounds like you have made your final, final decision and are now able to move on. It has been a long journey for both you and your wife and I wish you both well. Please keep in touch. We will be here to support you as much as possible.

Mary

[TheFarSide]

My wife has now been to the psychologist and feels positive for the experience. She has aknkwledged many things and although I know I’m likely to see an emotional hiccup and back step now and then I am happy to see what a little time brings. As for the house... we’ve divided to leave on the market and see what it brings.

again I don’t want to start pulling party poppers and streamers and celebrating into the small hours of the evening off the back of this but it is significant that she took this step...

I will update further and see what happens. Hopefully it’s positive and she does have my support around working on herself, us and how I fit into that as well.

[White_Rose]

I am so pleased for you that you may get your wife back, so to speak. I imagine it will be a long and rocky journey but so long as you are both going forward It may bring you the peace and happiness you need. I also wish your wife peace and happiness as I am sure this has not been her lot for many years.

Mary

[quirkywords]

TheFarSide,

Thanks for your updates.

I am pleased your wife was able to see a psychologist so quickly and felt positive about the experience.

Taking that first step of acknowledging many things is a huge step and would have been very hard for her.

If you go back and read your first few posts you may see how you have started your journey and a few of the changes that have happened on the way. It will be a long and bumpy ride for both of you but there is a chance there will be a calm place at the end.

Quirky

[Guest_1584]

Gday farside.

And l'm really sorry that things haven't worked out.

But for her to say it's her or your own child , l just mean what , yaknow , or to turn on your actual wedding day, after a 12mth charade, or to put you and your child through the stuff she has when it's your time together , how in the hell is your child suppose to cope with that she shouldn't even be around it, let alone cope with it, and then all the other stuff, the everyday.

l'm really glad you are sadly giving up on it .tbh . you know , ok , she has problems , but is it right that you and your child spend your life dealing with it living with it ??? Me , l don't think so.

l went through divorce , and then met ex gf. We were together 2 yrs. Both the highest times of my life but also mind bending destructive head spinning times too. l could never know for sure if she was bpd , certainly partly , but she would never see anyone, she'd eat broken glass first believe me.

l remember saying your words to her a few months in , baby you don't see you , you don't see what you do and say, and later too . Amazing reading your stuff , twisting , eggshells, misinterpretations,the simplest things. we were long distance, only together 1/3 of the time, so mountains of messaging and the knots she'd get us into, 1 letter could start a war, one word or a sentence, hooly dooly the things she could turn a sentence into..

Via phone from day one she was fantastic , same in person ,so smart, so witty , so fun, bold , but we were only ever together 2 weeks a time but it was a bit scary wondering if this messaging thing would come out in person later, like yours. but it was a hard sitch to , frustrationing and some real bad let downs, visits falling through, stuff . l just couldn't know.

l did a lot of reading, spoke to people, one guy had beat his head against the wall 15yrs with his wife, but had to leave. saw somewhere it was common for the partner of a bpd person , to end up on the couch., and l believe.

Sadly we split in the end , not only that side of it but many obstacles, distance and all and l've since met someone else , none of that stuff , yet we're amazingly similar in many other good ways to me and ex gf. But the difference is also just mind boggling.

Best of luck with everything, you can only do what you think is right for you and your daughter.

rx

[TheFarSide]

One step at a time - but - today was a really good day.

[bmacca64]

Hopefully the good days become the norm.