Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

Ive had a few messages today - mostly indicating that she feels caught on a ride going faster and faster and can’t get off ...

she wants to disappear and pretend nothing is happening.

Ive offered her the same hand to hold I always have. I’ve also told her that I can’t just fix her - she needs to be able to accept where her headspace is... help, forgiveness and care is all there but it starts with her.

I’ve said she needs to trust that its ok to be vulnerable and it’s not a failing to lean on the people who love her to be there to help her.

at the moment I am still needing to plan Around moving out... nothing has changed right now other than a few words suggesting loss, loneliness and needing help.

[quirkywords]

The FarSide

Thanks for keeping us in touch in with what is going on in your life.

I see that you realise how hard this is for your wife as the one thing she has feared will happen is happening and it is reassuring you can offer her a hand.

Is it possible to see the separation as a break and not permanent or would that be even harder for you both.

I just want you to know how many people reading this have connected with your post.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

My wife no doubt needs support - both professional and family. Until she makes that connection to her future I need to continue as is...

Ive offered as much as I can (including is accepting the financial costs of what we’ve done) but I can’t hold back on what if’s and maybes anymore...

we’ve signed up to sell the house... the wheels are all motion now across a number of areas to progress to sell.

Most people who matter to me are now fully across what has gone on and why... and while although it’s not insurmountable to unpick where we are the increasing financially and emotional costs to stay together or separate are becoming apparent.

As much as she can’t stop riding the roller coaster I don’t want to go around again on another lap of the tracks... so She has to make a choice soon if she wants things to change - Property in our area moves quite fast.

Her messages certainly indicate I’m lost and need help but she has been the one driving the separation now...

Even part of me just isn’t sure if it’s all legit or if it’s an angel being worked... horrible as it may be to think but With all the lies and misrepresentations that have occurred can I even be sure.

I can see why this disorder attracts a lot of interest on the net.

I will continue to update as I can.

[TheFarSide]

So following on from the earlier part of the day where she was feeling down I received a couple of pokey push me pull me type texts - really designed to get a response.

I asked her to stop. I said I can understand how you feel going through this breakup but I can’t be your soft landing, your punching bag and the one you’re breaking up with all at the same time. She then proceeded to continue with the same commentary as before so I used the same verbal topic tactic as I did the other night (which I’m still not etirely comfortable with)- however it works in getting her to just back it down a peg or two and rethink her approach.

None of this is very good and each time these interactions occur I know I have to look to get out of this house as soon as possible. I’m pretty sure she would not want to salvage ‘us’ in any case - there is hurt about it yes, there are tears yes, there have been apologies as well - but she looks set to let it go as well... no fight - just flight...

She even asked me to block her on my mobile and Facebook - so she can’t just let fly. That’s not really practical while we go through the selling process and besides, even if I did block her, she would use email anyway.

For now just have to persevere, be respectful and minimise the unnecessary contact where possible.

[Guest_7403]

Is your wife a high functioning borderline or non functioning?

E.g. does she work? Interact socially etc

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for the question Borderline.

I would put her in the mid to low marker.

She Can function enough to go to 5 hour study classes but she would never hang with other students afterwards for coffee etc.

she can work part time (it’s less than 15 hours spread over a week) and interact with other work colleagues however the catch is it needs to be in a limited timeframe and interaction only in a superficial way. Basic interaction that requires nothing of her inner self.

The struggles gets harder the closer people are to her heart - Me, her kids, my kid, her adoptive parents and even her ex. I put her ex in there as they share children and there is a connection there regardless. That said I understand their marriage to have been over very early on {sounds similar to me and her} and what was left was an empty non communicative environment for over a decade. During this time her emotions would not have had any measures, checks or balances and largely would’ve gone unnoticed. She didn’t want anything to do with her then in-laws. She raised kids and had very limited interactions at a social level.

I was almost perfect for her in that I had no family local (outside my child) however I have had the sense she was not happy about various commitments I had with friends etc. she was also not keen on me maintaining a good parental relationship with my kids mum.

She does not have friends herself. No one drops by to see her for a chat or a coffee. She has Facebook acquaintances like most of us. I would doubt there is some one she is close to outside of the people above. At the moment for much of the time at home she is alone - watching tv alone in the house while I am in another room. Our communication has deteriorated as outlined and I’m sure she feels the pain of being lonely.

Most people who work full time (and some part time as well} tend to form strong bonds with their colleagues - almost like a pseudo family away from home - I know I certainly do that. I think my wife would struggle with this. I have nothing to prove it of course other than the couple of years observation of all I’ve typed on this forum.

there is a lot of big and small stuff that I just haven’t put down in words here - much of which firms up the bpd (DSM 4/5) traits and processes so clearly - from the perfect start to the hollow end - She has been so many different people to me - sometimes in the same minute.

Alas hindsight is very clear but not very forgiving.

[Guest_7403]

I can relate to alot of what you've responded with.

In regards to the statements about her having multiple personalities it's not entirely true, yes they come across as having multiple personalities but it's more a coping mechanism.

Borderlines are very good in changing there personality to suit the type of company they have around them and the types of stressors they are under, it's a coping mechanism they have developed to deal with certain things. It's not done to be deceptive or manipulative it's simply how they have learned to cope.

As I stated previously I was terribly bullied, which is why I developed the ability to be able to change my personality to suit whose company I'm in....almost in a subconscious way for them to accept me. I can be the jock, nerd, proper person, Mr professional and charmer all in a day....And it takes alot of energy for me to front it all day. I call it wearing a mask

I'm lucky in that my wife understands my true self and personality. I believe we all possess these types of personalities they are just amplified to extremes occasionally with borderlines.

I'm learning to control mine and not allow myself to be affected by others, as I too can be hypersensitive like your wife

I don't necessarily think she was unchecked for years before you came along, most borderlines function perfectly normal on there own, it's only when that emotional bond is made that the triggers begin to amplify and manifest in ways they can't deal with

My assumption would be that once you seperate after a short time you'll find your wife bounces back to her old self the one you first met.

Fyi I'm a high functioning borderline and most friends and work colleagues wouldn't know me as anything but a happy healthy person

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for your message Borderline. I did start typing something out but my iPad had a fit so I’m retyping stuff out. If 2 posts come up that look similar you’ll know why.

I believe as you have indicated she will bounce back to be her old self once the separation is complete. There is a couple of things I hope for tho - one is that she doesn’t think she doesn’t need any assistance (and that’s she’s all good) - that she can see inside herself and become aware of what has gone on. I also don’t want to be the object of blame when the her memory starts to recollect facts to suit the feelings of her moment. Additional I would like to hope that I don’t just end up as just another dusty page in her life history. That perhaps she can see that someone -me - did love her in a very genuine open and caring way.

She has teared up again today and told me that I should hate her for what she has put us all through. That’s just not in my nature. There are these moments where she seems aware of what it all means ...

I know I will need some time to unpick what little changes have crept into my world too - particularly over the last 12 months - I know I am more sensitive to how ‘words’ and ‘tone’ have been perceived. I need to restore my old self as well.

My wife is a chameleon when it comes to behaving how she needs to in front of different people. She can chew me out with absolute vigor and not even a second will pass and she can turn around with the nicest voice to greet her daughter.

I am glad you have a person in you life Borderline who is supportive as she is. I am also glad that you can identify that she is and that she can flex in her role as your partner to make the relationship dynamic work. Marriages are built on love, compromise, understanding, trust and just a little bit of faith (not necessarily the religous kind).

My grandmother never partnered up after my grandfather died. She lived alone for 15 years after his passing. I always hoped she would seek the company of someone - even for just the companionship. She never could - they were a couple together in life and would remain so after life.

I have a sad empty feeling in the stomach pit of my life. I have been unable to prevent what has occurred and my best efforts to try to be what she needed and not lose myself have not succeeded. I didn’t fail. We didn’t succeed.

[TheFarSide]

So I’ve had a counselling session today. This time was more focused on exploring who I am rather than the situation... also to look at where I’ve come from, what led me here and where it is I want to be... Certainly my personality type (which fits many people) was just an unfortunate combination when linked to a person with BPD.

For anyone reading this who may be wary or shy about the counselling process I would just say this - find someone you like first and foremost. Then you have to just trust in the process- let go or open up and make the most of the space...

This isn’t the first time I’ve used said services and even from just todays session I’ve learned some valuable things about myself and how I operate - especially when seeking a partner - what I focus on and find attractive. How I now apply all of that of course still falls back to me.

The sessions ahead Ive scheduled so that I will be dealing with the grief of my wife and I physically as well as emotionally no longer being together. Right now is a limbo... we can’t go forward, can’t go back and we can’t stay here either...

My wife has stayed close to the edge of tears for most of the day. I do feel for her. I can’t help but offer her open arms when she is in tears regardless of the distress she has caused. Another human being who I love is in trouble and I just can’t do a damn thing about it.... She has set in motion stuff even her gut is telling her is wrong - she is fighting herself internally and she can’t find a way to undo it.

It just cycles. Sometimes this all just feels so stupid...

[White_Rose]

Hello TFS

I have been away from this thread for a couple of days and now picking up the story. I found an article on people with BPD and their carers. Here's the address. It starts on the SANE website www.SANE.org Go to the Mental Health and Illness tab then scroll down to the Facts and Guides. Scroll right down to the Families and Friends and click on BPD: Focussing on Carers Wellbeing. I thought at first it was the whole article but it is only the summary. I did get a look at the complete paper and decided they are so complex I would lose track almost as soon as I started. However you can get to the complete paper once you have reached the summary.

SANE's research centre is called the Anne Deveson Research Centre. I just realised she was the founder of SANE. I have a book of hers called Resilience. It is this ability I believe that we all need to recover and manage our lives to prevent us reaching breaking point. Once at breaking point it's a long way back.

I have read your latest posts and feel so sad for you. It's not an easy life when you feel torn in two, wanting the best for everyone you love and making sure you have the resilience to stay upright. I hope the article helps in some way. I noticed the comment that this is an area without much research. I feel if there is no information about the person with BPD and how it affects the family, carers etc. it becomes a tough life. It's when people meet together in places such as Beyond Blue and start sharing their information and experiences that we can all move forward.It's good you are managing to some extent.

Mary