Anxiety issue

[BballJ]

Hi all,

I took abit of convincing myself to join the forums and write in here but just wanted some advice.

in the past two weeks, I have had anxiety spiralling out of control, I am unable to concentrate at work or at home, I continually think of the worst case scenario in anything, I wake up in the middle of the night having panic attacks (heart racing, in shaking, heavy breathing) I haven't slept more than 4 hours each night and during the day I am in a constant stressed state that by 2 pm I am tired as can be, I hate being alone, if I'm driving I feel the need to call someone just so I can get my mind off my anxiety and contanst worry feelings. I have lost my appetite, eating maybe one meal a day simply because I cannot eat. I have tried natural over the counter medicine to try and alleviate the anxiety and calm me down but they don't work.... Does this sound like GAD and should I see a doctor about medication?

thank you in advance for your replies.

Jay

[BballJ]

Hi CMF & Quercus (Nat),

A huge thank you for your replies first off. I am left a little speechless by them partly because I am not 100% used to being supported. I won't say attention. You are right though CMF, I do not like attention, I have come to the point I guess where if I can sacrifice my own happiness for others to be happy then I guess that's what I have to do. The issues with my wife are all that because we both haven't compromised aspects of our relationship but I will say this again, she is a great person and I do love her and I need to do more for her weather it be around the house or showing more affection or simply paying her more attention. It seems a lot of issues could be fixed if I changed my ways personally so I am working on that at the moment and will be taking the couples therapy route as well. I hope this doesn't come across as I will never be happy because in reality I am happy when others are happy, I guess that is why I do not write on my thread. I want to be the rock everyone can lean on. Sure inside I may be a little broken but I just want to have enough strength for everyone. I don't want people to feel how I feel. One thing I love about these forums is helping new people but also speaking to people like yourselves, nearly every day and getting to know people and seeing the struggles but most importantly seeing people overcome them.

I am guarded and a little private, I told a close friend about my relationship struggles this week, she is friends with both myself and my wife and she was very understanding and is concerned about my happiness in it all.

Quercus (Nat) I have not heard of love language, sounds very interesting, how do you even do that activity?

I really appreciate the time you both have taken out of your days to write back to my thread, it means the world to me.

I hope you both have a great Friday.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi Jay,

Right well I'm going to say the hard stuff first...

This is heartbreaking...

Sure inside I may be a little broken but I just want to have enough strength for everyone. I don't want people to feel how I feel

I don't want you to be a rock for me if it is at the expense of yourself.

Noone expects you to give endlessly and not to want support in return. That is a recipe for burnout at best.

If you feel broken inside Jay do you think you might try talk about it? Here or to your wife or a professional?

Have you ever considered psychotherapy? My psychiatrist says when I speak to him I am practicing. Testing and experimenting. If I talk about this what will happen? I then go home and talk to my husband and friends and family. Awkwardly yes but they know more about me since beginning therapy than I was ever able to give before.

I'm learning and practicing speaking up. It is very hard Jay but worth it. Do you think maybe that is what is upsetting your wife... That you won't let her in. Trust her?

Hubby told me recently we are getting so much better at communicating. And for a marriage to work that is necessary. Do you ever sit down in the dark together with a cuppa and just pick a topic to talk about? Try a safe topic to begin with. And practice 😊.

Right... Hard topic number two. Self worth. Do you truly feel unworthy of support and care and love? Not really surprising if that is so given what your Mum did to you. Grrr... Don't even get me started on her. I'm learning the importance of actions. People can say what they like about caring for you but if their actions don't tell you that you matter it is easy to disbelieve it.

So here are CMF and I showing you with our actions finding your thread that you matter and that you deserve to be cared for too. Because you are worthwhile and worth sticking around for (so angry at your Mum if you haven't noticed... Sorry 😊).

You and your wife can do the quiz online (there is also another interesting quiz about your apology language which is facinating too).

http://www.5lovelanguages.com

It really is a good way to get inside each others heads. It might surprise you both. I remember being surprised that my language was touch. I hate being touched. Funny though it makes it very important to me from those I trust. Think you'd give it a go?

❤ Nat

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

I have read and re-read your post because, as i said previously, i just want to wrap you in cotton wool and protect you. I always thought you were a sensitive soul, your posts ooze tenderness but as I am learning more about you I feel you are fragile too. I feel bad for really knowing your story. I had read your thread some time ago but as you hadn't posted I assumed things were stable or improving. I wasn't fully aware of the issues at home and I'm sorry for this Jay.

' I have come to the point I guess where if I can sacrifice my own happiness for others to be happy then I guess that's what I have to do' ...what caused you to reach this point and why do you feel you have to do this? You don't have to answer here if you don't want but something to think about. I can understand you not being used to receiving support. I feel have so many questions re your mum and how her leaving affected you and how you see yourself but I don't want to bombard you as I want to respect your privacy but at the same time I want you to know we are here for you. I'm guessing it affects you more than we know.

I love Nat's suggestion of the love languages. I've never heard of it but it sound interesting. I think Nat also suggested that you probably are helping your wife just not in her 'language' therefore it isn't noticed and appreciated. would be great if you tried and see what comes out of it. You mentioned you don't show affection, I'm guessing you are holding back or struggle with this because of your mum leaving, especially a mum? I imagine it would be hard to trust others with your feelings. I too do not feel I could show someone affection again after 'him' as I do not want it thrown back in my face again, invalidated. I've shut down. If this is how you feel, I totally understand.

I hope we have not bombarded you Jay. I am happy to know that helping others here makes you really happy but I want you to also be happy within yourself, like really happy about yourself and your life.

Sending you hugs Jay

cmf x

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

I have read and re-read your post because, as i said previously, i just want to wrap you in cotton wool and protect you. I always thought you were a sensitive soul, your posts ooze tenderness but as I am learning more about you I feel you are fragile too. I feel bad for really knowing your story. I had read your thread some time ago but as you hadn't posted I assumed things were stable or improving. I wasn't fully aware of the issues at home and I'm sorry for this Jay.

' I have come to the point I guess where if I can sacrifice my own happiness for others to be happy then I guess that's what I have to do' ...what caused you to reach this point and why do you feel you have to do this? You don't have to answer here if you don't want but something to think about. I can understand you not being used to receiving support. I feel have so many questions re your mum and how her leaving affected you and how you see yourself but I don't want to bombard you as I want to respect your privacy but at the same time I want you to know we are here for you. I'm guessing it affects you more than we know.

I love Nat's suggestion of the love languages. I've never heard of it but it sound interesting. I think Nat also suggested that you probably are helping your wife just not in her 'language' therefore it isn't noticed and appreciated. would be great if you tried and see what comes out of it. You mentioned you don't show affection, I'm guessing you are holding back or struggle with this because of your mum leaving, especially a mum? I imagine it would be hard to trust others with your feelings. I too do not feel I could show someone affection again after 'him' as I do not want it thrown back in my face again, invalidated. I've shut down. If this is how you feel, I totally understand.

I hope we have not bombarded you Jay. I am happy to know that helping others here makes you really happy but I want you to also be happy within yourself, like really happy about yourself and your life.

Sending you hugs Jay

cmf x

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

i hope your weekend was ok. I have been thinking of you.

cmf

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Thank you for your response, I have been trying to decide what to write back to be honest. You have nothing to be sorry about, the hardest thing in the world for me is talking about my feelings, I struggle so much with it. I spoke to a friend today because I was in a bad way this morning and I reached out to them because I had too and I told this person on the weekend how bad things had got between my wife and I, anyway I broke down on the phone, like I rang to ask them how they were as they had some stuff going on but the minute they asked how things were going at home, I just went silent and I couldn't contain it. Broke down, they were very supportive and helped a lot, much like you are doing here, along with Quercus (Nat).

I feel I can sacrifice my happiness because I know what it is like to feel so low that I do not want anyone else to feel like this, which is why I come back and talk to you because I don't want you feel down or what not. It is just engraved in who I am. I had a friend message me the other day and said to me that this is first time in a long time they have felt happy, like no weight or anything and said they owe it all to me because I believed in them and got them through it. That makes me happy right there. Reading this reply for you, makes me happy. I appreciate it so much that you are here trying to support me, I will always feel undeserved of it I think but I do love coming on and reading it.

I don't think my mum has caused the relationship issues, my wife is great, we have just grown apart, she is nothing like my mum and I would never dare dream to compare my wife to her. I haven't tried the love languages thing but I need to suggest it to my wife and see what she says.

Again, I cannot thank you enough CMF you are one amazing soul.

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

I am sorry things are still not good at home and I'm glad you have reached out to friends. I hope that in time you will be comfortable reaching out and allowing people to support you because we want to do so because we care for you. I've thought a lot about what you've said and a few thoughts come to mind.

I wonder why you feel you have to sacrifice your happiness for others o be happy? Why can't everyone be happy together? Just a thought, no need to answer if you don't want to.

I also don't think your mum has caused the relationship issues but I wonder if what you experienced has caused you to shut down, it show affection and not reach out. Could it be a fear of people important to you leaving?

As far as your mum/wife go, I'm sorry, I wasn't suggesting they were alike, I'm sure they are not. Something did come to mind though. Before 'he' and I had the big blow up he woukd come past when he wanted, cook sometimes and we'd sometimes take little miss out. I wasn't happy really but if he ever came up in conversation I would talk him up, say how good he was because i didn't want people to know how unhappy I was with the situation and how hard it was for me. I also am not going to speak negatively about him to just anyone. I wasn't entirely happy with the situation but I just accepted it and made out to everyone that it was ok and I was happy with it. I made it sound better than it was. I changed my ways to suit him and to avoid conflict. When I read back on your thread you mention you are trying hard to do things or do more for your wife and change personally to fix the issues. We all need to compromise in relationships but I feel you are doing all the compromising when really both parties need to compromise and accept each other's differences. It's really hard for me to explain it but 1 person can't do everything to please the other because we lose who we really are by going along and doing what the other wants to keep them happy. How can one be happy if the other isn't? I don't know if any of that makes sense. I used to talk about 'him' how good he was, how he cooked for us etc but really it was a front for how I really felt. I had no control, scared to speak up, I was towing the line doing what he wanted . It wasn't me at all. Maybe I was trying to only see the 'good' to avoid the truth about what I wasn't happy With? I hope that makes sense and I haven't over stepped the line. I care about you and what you're going through.

cmf

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

I hope you are ok. Worried about you.

cmf x

[CMF]

Sending you hugs Jay. Hope you are ok.

cmf x

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Apologies about my absence from the forums. My wife and I separated last weekend so I am just trying to work through it all. Will be back on the forums soon.

I just wanted to let you know where I was at.

Hope you are doing ok.

My best,

Jay