Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[demonblaster]

I'm NEVER letting go Grandy, & when you need I'll hug you tighter, moreso than usual.

Darling lady it took me yrs to figure out what my dear Dad meant when he said " In life DB you need confidence", well I understood that but not how, till few yrs ago.... we have to like ourselves and hun we spend every breath with ourselves only, so makes sense.

I maintain one of my goals here is to get you beautiful incredible lovable souls to like yourselves.

If we can all see you're beautiful pure heart you must have the goods

Biggly love xx

[Ggrand]

Hello DB,

Thank you for the hugs as well as holding my hand. You are such a lovely soul..

Mary said on her post to me.

"I have realised I no longer need to put up with his crap. That has been so liberating". Got me thinking, neither do I.

Tough talking this into my thoughts,

Trying so hard to come out on top even a little for now. I can't really can't fall again because every time I go down again it gets worse, deeper, and more painfully hard to want back up.

Atm I'm having half hour,sometimes close to an hour of near average, then wham rock bottom again, emotions for around 8 hours, it's exhausting.

My physologist, I went yesterday was so hard a session, she told me my next visit we are going to try again to go to the hard one the one I don't want to talk about. She tried yesterday, but nope, I changed the talk to something easier for me. I know if I talk about it I will fall, I don't want to talk or hear it, don't want to bring it up to the surface, I want it left alone, hidden deep in my brain. I wished she didn't tell me about my next visit. I told her I'm not ready, she said I will never be ready but it's something we need to address asap. I got 4 weeks until my next visit, that's 4 weeks of me trying to block the visit and block the topic. It's scaring me. Im trying not to think about it.

How are you travelling DB? Your always in my thoughts hun. Love and care for you.

Kindness only,

GG.

[demonblaster]

yeah I saw that helped from Mary was happy & you also got some fire happening recently on other thread that they're " NOT GOING TO PULL YOU DOWN anymore" Oooohwh loved hearing you finding the fire.

When you have good periods of time are you consciously doing anything towards it or distraction or just happens.

Who am I to disagree with a psych but it maybe easier to go to the harder places when you have some strength up, atm you're rock bottom more often than not & as we know going deeper is harder to pull up from. That's my thoughts & it's freaking you out. Does she know exactly how low you are?
I see why the hard one has to be visited but does it have to be yet.

Would it be easier for you to print posts from here for her to read. You ARE articulate, trouble with talking is there can be distractions and our brains too, I go onto 30 different directions in a sentence lol, then forget where the hell I was going lol and more relevant points can be made on paper, more time to think and write.

For different reasons hun I know where you are only to well. It's a deep dark/Black hole aye

How bout in the half /hr nearly average times sounds like you're a bit stronger in those times working on mindset, reigniting that fire I saw recently & remember what Mary said,.
Reinforcing the reasons to get through.

Ahh Grandy.. hate you being so low.
We do, please believe in yourself, you can get through, you've got the goods, you're trying & you ARE pulling strength up I've seen it several times. It does takes time & effort but the more you work on it the quicker it'll happen. Changing thinking patterns, emotional control, putting you in the drivers seat.

I'm nearly back to normal hun thx asking, still stuffed though, went out to lunch with bro/sil so gunna have big sleep soon's the plan Stan. Can't not get it when I can with this depth of tiredness/exhaustion, otherwise takes an age longer to catch up & we know where the mind takes us.

Finding the fire gives us want that gives us hope.

Love xx

[Ggrand]

Hi DB,

I am pleased you are nearly back to normal, reading what your going through is hard to do because I care, but at the same time it's helping me to understand depression more and I'm kinda stealing some of your coping skills and trying to use them on me..

I can't talk to the psych about what she wants me to....Thursday I spent the entire session in tears and left there so much more worse then when I went in and we only talked about small hurts. I'm thinking of not going back to her, but the problem their is she is the only one in over 130 klms. Since she told me we will go their next time, well as much as I don't want to admit to you it's all I've been thinking of, how do I answer her without breaking down again, I've got 4 weeks of this going round my head now, oh crap I hate this illness. Soo much..

Also on Friday I was told I will need major operation on my ear and jaw bone, 99% chance of deafness in that ear after op. maybe half deaf the beast will be half silent...another time for this DB.... Really don't care and maybe later talk about it.

Twice today the sadness left me for roughly half hour both times, The first one came after I used that new app "insight". the second came after a huge outburst of tears, while I was washing the dishes, then I yelled at myself, sat down and I felt relaxed for a while then wham out of nowhere the deep sadness was back. Dont know what's happening there.

Yeah trying hard, but soo hard this time, I don't understand why the mind try's to make us destroy our selves and then the last minute stops us from doing it.

Hope you get heaps of sleep lovely lady, What and where would I be without your help, Deep thanks.

Kindness only,

L & C, .....GG.

[white knight]

Hi Karen

In my view, I used to treat every psych session as being unique, different to the last. We shouldn't assume the next will be the same, things develop, you might be stronger next visit etc.

Communication is also vital. When I first walk in I'd say (as I sat down so it doesn't give her time to open up the discussion) "I was a mess last time for the whole session, I'm hoping that wont be the case this time. Can you help me keep it all together?.....please?"

Remember my topic

Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

It covered this very thing. No one is expecting you not to worry but minimalizing it is the best thing because if you worry for one whole month then it becomes a bigger problem than why you visit her in the first place. You might need another psych to discuss the problem generated by this psych...(little joke)

This is what I call "problem compounding." It's because you are in a mess overall and are trying to keep your head above water but because you are fragile any extra issues pull you under. It's not that your psych is intending to add things to your bucket, its because her technique is to challenge you so you can improve. I wont judge her treatment but I'm sure its a common professional way of helping you.

Anyway, try to put the last session behind you and also accept that....everyone cries during the tough times in psych offices.

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Hello GG

Thankyou so much for your wonderful Christmas wishes on the previous page 🙂

It so warming to see all the heartfelt support on your thread from so many gentle people

I am happy that you like my reindeer profile picture. I just couldnt resist the elbow and the sunglasses. You are not alone this Christmas in any way. I know that we are not a substitute for your relatives and family but we are very proud to be here with you .

After TonyWK 'herds' me up as he mentioned on the last page I still hope you will be around 🙂

Thankyou again for the wonderful post you wrote Karen.

My Kind thoughts and a Happy Christmas for you and your family too

Peacefully yours

Paul

[demonblaster]

Hey all

Grandy been thinking bout Pysch maybe she's looking at working from bottom up. I know it's your hardest but maybe it'll be a release too when you talk about it. Tears I see now as a cleansing & release of stress, exhausting but necessary.
She's working on base cause by the sounds so maybe it's where you need to go Grandy.
How does she seem, do you feel comfortable & trust her but I just hope she knows how deep you are.

Are you starting to get anymore sleep, was it 5 hrs you got other night. Life's easier when we're rested. As you know it'll probs take a while

Ok when you want to talk about other, loved half deaf comment re beasty lol. Good seeing your sense of humor still in tact we need that aye

The insight apps sounding good for you G lady, is it gentle music? sorry think you said here or on Starts but can't remember & yeah hard talking it away, YOU GO GIRL!!! ...You're boss now

Maybe when downs hit you could think about what you like about the insight app & how good it makes you feel

Yeah I can't understand why we've got self destruct in us but I'd say it's survival kicking in at last minute thank god.

Steal away & use hun glad you are & makes me happy knowing it's helping a bit. Thanks Grandy xx

L & C to you too (Hear ya bout pain & caring)

[demonblaster]

Grandy just popping in for some mutually soul touching comforting hugs (( L&C souls ))

Feel a strong urge to want to talk to you today, think about you and the girls & others here at times too but this is different.

How are you hun

[quirkywords]

GG

Just popped in to say hi and I am thinking of you.

I hope the number of times the sadness leaves you is getting bigger and time is getting longer.

Kindness and compassion

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello DB, I'm here for you to talk, anytime. I'm not doing nothing atm, please talk away.

L & C

GG