alone and hated

[christacat]

I am 35 and possibly suffer undiagnosed depression and anxiety, possibly also autisim or asbergers (dont trust doctors or GPS so can't get an official diagnose). Have been told I need meds (too scared to take them), have anger issues, no social skills, am dumb and stupid, hard on myself,  obsessive as well. Have had conselling on and off, haven;t seen one since 2009 after I had a panic attack/meltdown.(she didn't help at all,just smirked at me)

I don't fit in or belong anywhere. All through out primary school and high school, I was bullied alot and got into trouble alot too. I had the odd friend here and there, but no one I could connect to. Would try different hobbies-as i got told by consellors I had back then- but got teased for them and never found anyone on the same wavelength....it is the same today. No matter which site I go to for people who share my interests, or a group in 'real life' I never fit in, am the butt of everyone's jokes, anyone I reach out to just rejects and uses me. Then comes the 'teasing' over my hobbies and interests, that I am obsessive, that my hobbies suck. I had to leave a web site I was at for nearly four years-was just sick of the constant rejection from others and never felt like I fitted in and used by everyone who i thought liked me.. Now yet again I have nowhere else to go and feel lost, losing interest in things, because what's the point? I had no one to share them with. I got slagged off for them all the time, I tried to take pride in them and liked myself, not caring what others think but I still don't have anyone to connect to,  I don't get along with my own age group either, especially with people I work with, they just go on about parties and drinking and barely notice I am around.

I am at a lost at what to do anymore. I worry so much over this, I barely leave the house sometimes (I dont see the point, i have no one to hang out with and i just get teased for being wierd) and feel suicidal on and off. , please don't suggest conselling or meetups.com (had a panic attack two years ago before I was meant to go to a meetup, now the group wants nothing to do with me) or meds.

[luke_c]

the thing is, with groups for my interests, I never fit in or members don't like me....I have said this in this thread time and time again...no one seems to understand!

Would you rather people stay silent and not help you? Maybe it's only a small, tiny adjustment that you need to make when approaching people, not big changes like you think they are. The mind can be good at making massive mountains sometimes. And if you keep defeating yourself and make up negative conclusions everytime you approach people, then yes, most likely you'll go back to square one again and keep continuing being depressed. And stop worrying about fitting in, the less you try to "fit in", the more respect you'll garner from people. Trying to "fit in" never worked for me, I found I gained more respect from just strolling in and being, and if asked by someone for an opinion, I'd give my own thoughts on it, rather than just agreeing in order to "fit in".

Did you read what I wrote about being bullied at art classes? No?

I don't need to. It still won't change my opinion and offering you help. You're letting past experiences like this get in the way of your daily living now, learn to live in the present more.

Now this is the last bit of advice I'll be offering to you because what I have said in this forum hasn't worked, and do not think for a moment that it's because I do not care and understand, I do, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered. Please give what I and Pandora's Paradox said in the posts in this forum at least some thought.

Luke

[christacat]

Because I know if I told anyone here my interests, you would bully me or disown me.

No, I dont. because I know it won't work anyway.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Have you never been wrong about anything?  I don't think a day goes by where I'm not wrong about something.  Look at all the people here who have said "I won't tease you".  I think you're wrong about this.

[S_A_D_]

Christacat,

Do you still want to fit in and find someone to connect to, who you have something in common with?

You’ve done this already twice. Luke and I. We 3 people have at least 2 things in common.

Do you want to make it 3 things? Luke thinks you don’t want to be friends, because you won’t tell him anything about yourself. I think this will happen every time someone offers to be your friend.

I may be one of only 2 or 3 people still following this thread. If you tell me something, it will only be known by a few people.

I am now going to make a promise to you, between friends OK:

I, Pandora’s Paradox, hereby swear under the oath I took as a medical practitioner, that I will not under any circumstances behave like a bully toward Christacat. Her personal interests and hobbies, both past and present, will not constitute reasonable grounds for disowning or un-friending Christacat, under any circumstances. Christacat will be treated with kindness and respect by Pandora’s Paradox at all times, especially regarding conversation on the subject of hobbies and interests.

I also hereby commit to defending Christacat from any bullies that may present themselves in the Beyond Blue community. Anyone that treats Christacat poorly in these forums will receive a sharp note from me to cut it out or leave the forum.

I know what it’s like to feel this vulnerable (yes, I’ve been there more than once), and I will be asking moderators to ensure gentle attitudes at all times involving Christacat.

I make this vow freely and without coercion.

Will you tell me one new thing about yourself now Christacat?

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Pandora's Paradox,

Sometimes introducing an authoritative tone (medical practitioner) and a quasi vow will scare people away more. It's also a bit simplistic to tell christacat that "only a few are still following her thread". Hasn't this thread been the first to top over 1,000 views ?      It's a thread that's had the most interest not the least.

I suggest just being yourself.    Most responses are moderated with an extreme view of the overall affect on the site so to "ensure gentle attitudes at all times" is totally unnecessary. Surely, by protecting herself and not saying what her hobbies are for over two months is her own way of being gentle and avoiding  criticism.  Just saying.

Adios, David.

[christacat]

Not going to post here anymore sorry. it is obvious i am just pissing everyone off and i just don't belong here.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear christacat,

First post 2 May :   "I don't leave the house much"     Some mental health concerns re aspergers / anxiety / depression / etc.  To continue: "have anger issues, dumb and stupid" / "hard on myself".

You might want to keep posting as no one on this site has the intention of forcing you away.   There is every need for you to keep posting.  I just thought you had responded more to simple things.   My understanding was that you were younger than the 35 your first post describes.

It's OK to feel like giving up but, after 2.5 months, why not give it a bit more ?   If you feel like it.   We all have problems here and you know a website always has a bit of flux.   

I am 50 and sometimes too feel angry, stupid and disconnected.  And if I don't feel it my teenagers will remind me of it.  Lol.

Adios, David.

PS  If this really is the end for your thread I wish you well.  Good Luck.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Why do you think you're pissing everyone off?  I don't understand.  You've said that before, as well, and I don't think anyone has acted pissed off.

[christacat]

Because I'm being snarky in my repilies, whinging all the time and not even opening up about myself.

[vip]

Hi Christacat thought I would reply because that picture of the cat you posted looked like my cat Iggy that recently passed and I miss her. Anyway dont really know what is going on reading all these posts. But I attempted suicide 3 years ago and road to recovery has been bloody horrific physically mentally. Anyway Im recovered and here to tell the story. I believe you can do anything you put your mind too. With a good GP Psych and medication the road to recovery will eventually come. And supportive people like the ones on this forum and anyone you find you can connect with. Please never ever give up and keep communicating and expressing your feelings there are always people out there that want to hear what you think and feel. Take care