Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Ggrand · ‎11-09-2017

Hi I have another thread but unrelated to this.

37 years ago my husband and young son (2tears old). was living in our car for around 8 months.I was pregnant at the time. My parents disowned me when I eloped with my husband. My husbands parents were strange and we never told them we were living in the car.

I gave birth to my second son while we were living in the car. My hubby contacted his father and his Godmother who both talked us into putting our baby into foster care for a few months until we got organized, as we couldn't have a baby living in the car. After I got out of hospital my father in law told us to stay with him. Then a woman from child services came to see us and said it best to adopt our baby out.I didn't want to but I had to or we were back in the car living and would loose our baby and possibly our other young son . because father in law said it was the only way we could stay with them.

My adopted son found me and contacted me on Sunday I was to shocked to answer him back until today.contact has only been through facebook messenger. I told him i will ring him tonight around 8.30pm.

I have never told my 2 other sons about him. I don't know how to tell them.Will they hate me for doing this as I have hated myself and never forgiven myself over all these years.I have thought about him over the years especially on his birthdays. I am so very scared. Hubby died 4 years ago so I have to do this on my own.

Hubby and I decided we would never try to find him as we didn't want to upset his life..I am a complete mess as what to do..Please can someone help me.

Elizabeth CP · ‎02-10-2017

You mentioned feeling you don't deserve to be called mum. One of the characteristics of motherly love is the willingness to do whatever you can to ensure your child's wellbeing even at cost to yourself. For most of us we get the chance to provide the physical & emotional care for our children directly. In your case you gave your son up for adoption at huge emotional cost to yourself so that he could have the decent life you couldn't provide at the time. That is a real example of true motherly love. Hopefully now you have met he can now appreciate the sacrifice you made for him & you can both enjoy your new relationship You both deserve it

Ggrand · ‎03-10-2017

I am me now.

That strong, courageous, person the rock for my boys, the yes person that I had to be for hubby, the person who couldn't show anything but happiness towards her hubby the person that wasn't allowed to and couldn't say no..

That part of me got buried with hubby. They were not me, those were my defensive meganisms. They are gone I can't find them anymore.

I had a glimpse of them when I read white Knights reply. I really thought I found them but I couldn't find them they are gone.

a & c have seen me a broken person on a few accasions but they were young and it made them cry. I promised myself they would never see me like that again. and they haven't. And they won't.

I have decided to walk away from all 3 of them. They have each other to support and love.

Until I can find that person deep inside of me I will leave them alone. They all have families to care for and look after that is a hard job to do at anytime without the worries of a mum who can't think straight or who can't be happy around them or her grandchildren.

At the moment I am pleased I live over 300 klms from all of them it means they can't just drop in for a visit.

I love so deeply ab & c this is why I have come to this decision. They are my first priority, they have each other.

When and if i can ever get better, ever get rid of this depression anxiety and the worse of all the guilt then to me i can be with them and share there happiness..

Its not about me it's about them. I cannot be selfish and ruin their lives by my emotions they had a childhood no child should have and if they were to see me the way I am they might start having flashbacks as i do. I don't want that to happen to them..

I

Guest_128 · ‎03-10-2017

I understand very much of what you are saying, I have been there many a time.

If I was ab or c, I would be very upset,angry,confused if I wasn't aware of you being so low,depressed,and feeling like you do.

I think they have the right to know you are suffering!

You deserve a life too.

Dory

white knight · ‎03-10-2017

Hi Ggrand

Oddly enough most of us understand you. We connect with your guilt, sorrow, flashbacks, depression ,abuse and so on. This is why you are still posting here.

Your decision to withdraw from your sons is hard for anyone to swallow but I understand.

For those in your world without depression like abc we know they arent likely to understand if you went into detail about it. But, to not let them know is not allowing them the opportunity to know the truth. They might feel rejected and one son has felt that enough through no fault of yours

What I suggest is to get professional help in the least enough help to hone your communication abilities. Carefully worded letters to your sons could be a gift to their confusion of their mum. Can I give you an example?

To my dear sons.

All three of you have been a big part of my heart. I love you all. I have, due to many reasons in the past ended up with depresssion and severe guilt issues. Its too complex for most people to fathom and it has serious implications for me in terms of my relationships including yourselves. What is important to me is that your relationship with each other continues and grows. I may not however have the capacity to contribute towards your lives to the extent that a devoted mother would normally want but I'd love to if I could. If you ever feel I'm being evasive or distant, these are the reasons. All my love mum.

So if you are not getting professional help now please consider it. A counselor could help you.

Regards Tony WK

quirkywords · ‎03-10-2017

Karen

I can see where you are coming from.

I agree with Dory, at least inform your sons what you are doing and why otherwise c may think he is being rejected and a and b will worry what they have done .

You don't have to go into all the emotional detail just that you love them but you need to take time for yourself- you will know the right words.

This is your decision but you may be surprised how understanding your sons will be.

Quirky

Ggrand · ‎05-10-2017

Hello and thank you all for all your support and suggestions

I'm thinking about your latest replies..and I thought and still am thinking about it all and fully understand what your all saying.

I am trying...It's hard I just want my boys to be happy.

I just feel so lost and confused at the moment.

I don't like feeling this way at all it sux.

I know there has to be a light somewhere at the end of this tunnel and I'm looking for it. One day soon i hope I will find that light then hopefully I can fix any damage I've done to anyone.

Karen

white knight · ‎05-10-2017

Hi Karen

Re:I know there has to be a light somewhere at the end of this tunnel

please google

Topic: what life's like at the end of the tunnel- beyondblue

Tony WK

Ggrand · ‎06-10-2017

Hello and thank you White Knight, I have read what you suggested.

Dory, Quirkywords and White Knight You are all so right. It would be so wrong not to tell them how low I'm feeling. when I read everything you said I reread my previous post I cried. How could I throw away my kids like that..I'm ashamed of that post and I am very sorry, and wish I could erase it. Just so low when I wrote it.

I rang my younger brother and told him everything because he didn't know of c's existence either. He said he will be over mid next week to speak to me. I haven't seen him since mums funeral (2 years ago). He lives 8 hours drive away. He has rang a&b and asked them to come down to mine for a visit next week end, so I can tell them with him being here to support me and see i carry it through. I will speak to c on another time I want him to know me firstly without this illness with new meds and counciling I'm hoping that by the time he visits me in December I will be starting to heal enough for me to be able to talk to him.

I have been answering a b & c messages but still haven't spoken to them as yet.

I will be doing one of the hardest things I will ever have to do next weekend. I made a promise many years ago to myself about not letting my boys see me so vulnerable and sad but you are all right and they need to know.

Karen.

white knight · ‎06-10-2017

Hi Ggrand

Im so glad. Some time ago I said to you "I wish I had a mum like you"

.....I still do

Tony WK

quirkywords · ‎06-10-2017

Karen

No need to be sorry you were hurting.

I am pleased you are strong enough to change your previous thinking.

Thanks so much for letting us know how you are going. I am glad your brother will visit and you told me.

You are a strong, brave and kin woman who is a great model to her children.

Quirky