A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[demonblaster]

Thanks Wolfy I'll be 👀 lol I imagine many would be sad I now know how to access emojis on PC 😁 nya ha ha.

I'll be interested to read that.

On the subject kind of, ages back you I think on CMF's thread or maybe now I can't think who but they're a regular on the forums who's doing uni I was reading some of the thread and you mentioned something that really helped me at the time which is one of the things I love about here, so much can be learnt by reading threads and it was along the lines of " what you or whoever wants to say, then how you go about writing it" unfortunately I don't think I noted it or if I did I haven't come across it, wondering if that rings any bells to you because at the time it made heaps of sense to me for here to write things that I have a lot of trouble expressing etc. If I can think or come across it again, didn't tag it I'll throw the other possible name up. Sorry I know this is hazy.

peace and love returned 😊💙

[smallwolf]

I know what you mean in that last bit. Sometimes there is something in a thread or post that I reference elsewhere but I can never find them.

[PamelaR]

Hiya Tim

Happy new year. Popping by to see how you are travelling. Sounds like things aren't too bad. I know absolutely about an inferiority complex. Have lived with that all my life.

You know though - we aren't that bad. It's just those negative stories that go round and round in our heads. You are awesome Tim!! Have faith in yourself. I do.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[smallwolf]

Hi Pamela and everyone else,

Thanks for popping by. I wrote this post on Jill's thread but I need it for myself as well so that I don't lose it..

Irritable, grumpy. I have taken my AD medication but it is that period after a session with my psychologist and I reflect on things and in this case how far I have or my view have not progressed. I have to think about how big my puzzle is. Probably because I am writing this that it will remain an unknown size and I have to be able to live with that. As much as I hate that. And then I know what I need to do but not sure exactly how to get there - it's about authenticity, vulnerability, shame,etc.

I will get there... Just another wave to ride in this thing called life.

Have been listening to brene brown on YouTube and working out how to get to that place I want to be rather than feeling down on myself and life.

Tim

[demonblaster]

How are you feeling now Wolfy?

I'm sorry I didnt get back earlier when I read this please know I care very much how you are which I hopes better than when you wrote this

🕊

[PamelaR]

Hiya Tim

You know from what I've seen, i.e. the posts you write, you've come a long way. At the same time I understand completely that because you're not perfect (like I'm not perfect), then things aren't right.

But not being perfect is okay. There is no shame, there is no need for authenticity and it's okay to be vunerable (just have good people round you when you're like that).

Someone good to read (very very heavy though) on authenticity / truth is Michel Foucault. This will be very challenging I expect as it will challenge your belief system. I'm not trying to do that. Just giving you another perspective on life.

You do rock Tim.

R

[smallwolf]

Just testing... posted reply but has not appeared yet 😞

[PamelaR]

Odd??

[smallwolf]

Hi DB and Pamela,

Saw psychiatrist today and last Thu the psychologist. Part of my problem is that I look to the future vs where I have come from. Figured that part out today. But if you asked me how I was I would reply "Broken!". And part of this relates the last session with psychologist and my homework, and me listening to Brene Brown. I compared my mental illness to a puzzle and wanting to find my solution. Like going down a rabbit holes, but I don't want to walk into dead-ends because that would be unproductive. That is what the head says. And I compared it to a jigsaw puzzle. If I knew how big it was it could be tacked in chunks. So the homework I was given was to work out how big or how many pieces are there in the jigsaw puzzle?

This is where things become unstuck. Like Brene Brown who wanted to use a measuring stick and package everything neatly into a Bento Box, this sounds like me wanting to tackle my problem in a scentific manner (which is not possible)?

The answer to that question of how many pieces in the jigsaw puzzle...

"it is as big or small as it needs to be" or
"neither big or small. It is what it is".

Which mean leaning into the discomforting, uncertainty and unknowing of it all.

But I also had a epiphany today, because part of my problem is where I am vs where I want to be. If space allows I might expand.

Pamela, In relation to that reading you mentioned, I don't think (or hope) that my beliefs would interfere. But that also depends on what beliefs you were referring to also. I will give it a look. Just add a 3rd book to the partially read list.

And I know that not being perfect it ok, but it was something that has been with me since beginning highschool if not before. So it will take time to turn down or off, or accept myself as I am. Does that make sense?

[demonblaster]

Mr Wolfy and all 😊

I've been thinking quite a bit about the jigsaw and will return but whens another matter ☺

Just want you to know I'm always keeping up with how you're going and as you know care Wolfy man 🌴

Hope youre going smoothly through your counselling studies. I imagine you would be, clearly you have determination and high intelligence.

Was thinking which I do at times of your amazing kinda meditation bush or nature walks. I found the one from Grandys think I have another of yours too.

Be kind to yourself and take good care matey.

Hope you're family and yourself are all well ☺

🌿