A Common Story?

smallwolf · ‎12-12-2017

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

smallwolf · ‎16-02-2019

Hi DB,

I think the point or question about the jigsaw is more about that I don't have all the answers I am looking for at the moment and I have to able to the live with that. You know when you start a jigsaw you you start with the corner, and edge pieces. Still trying to find those. So the point to question was I think and something my wife told me, was to just go with the flow.

My studies are progressing. I have a prac coming up next Fri. And about the hand in the 5th of 18 assignments.

The rest of the family are diseased! They have colds. Have to keep them at a arms length.

You take care of yourself also 🙂

Tim

smallwolf · ‎20-02-2019

I have had this page open for a while wondering what to write.

Brene brown talks a lot about vulnerability. But what if I scared about being vulnerable? What if in the past the following happened to you...

were told "I don't care"
were told "I don't understand why you worry so much!"
were told to "get over it"
etc

and a related topic is being "daring". So what if you are afraid to be vulnerable? And of being daring?

I might forfeit the chance of doing things in my life that bring purpose.

Is this why I feel down?

Afraid to expose myself for fear of rejection.

There are other factors at play here like certainty, uncertainty, safety, belonging, not belonging, the list goes on.

Some things to talk to my psychologist about tomorrow.

Tim

demonblaster · ‎11-06-2019

Dear Mr Wolfy and everyone ☺

Hiya I'm putting long overdue thoughts to paper. I think and wonder often how you're going Wolfy.

I hold you in very high esteem and love your kindness in helping so many here but you don't talk about how you're going so much. Of course that's your call.

Just want you to know amongst several here you're cared very much about and never forgotten.

Really hope you're managing to get some control over [ITx💗]- depression/anxiety. Not easy but then being in pains no picnic either is it.

Take really good care Wolfy hope your life including your studies and parents are all in good health and that you're having at least some good things going on for you to remember in any hard times.

Have a lovely day budz ☺ and everyone.

smallwolf · ‎12-06-2019

Hi DB,

Honestly, I forget to the write an update on where I am at. A lot has happened since I last wrote but will talk more recently -

Had eye surgery (pterygium removed) last week. I am wearing these funky hospital sunnies (even indoors) at the moment because it is easier on the eyes even when staring at a screen.

Seeing psychologist again tomorrow. My homework was from the prev. session was to write down why/how i am intelligent and worthwhile? my problem is that i can always find ways to counter an argument. I can always find the BUT... argument. And when it cam to me being worthwhile... I don't tend to view myself in positive ways despite what other people may say, and it is probably because of previous negative experiences where I view things in terms of self preservation.

I am over 1/2 through my counselling diploma and doing pracs. Another part time job has popped up on the radar... will see what happens there.

I have been working from the church office with the parish secretary. Better than working from home alone. We can keep each other company and I can also help her with IT related issues. There are some groups who use the spaces there and keep me well fed also.

Parents are doing well as they can. Not sure if I mentioned previously, but dad has Parkinsons and also getting professional help for his anxiety issues. Finally! His mood is getting better compared to say last year. There is always some health issue now to deal with. Been feeling light headed.

Cheers,

demonblaster · ‎13-06-2019

Wolfy hey there and everyone ☺

What a well written good catch up ☺ Glad to hear things seem to be more on the up for you these days. When we first met you poor guy you sounded so sad and trapped. I imagine tho it'd be great hearing you are, but not fully there yet. So glad you got away from the job that was causing you so much grief.

I know depression/anxiety aren't overnight fixes mores the pity

I figure in many cases with depression it's taken yrs of building up whether we're aware or not and finally shows it's ugliness. I find it reassuring that there is knowledge and growing according to WHO (world health organisation) I don't doubt it as globally MH is an increasing problem can't say for everywhere but certainly a lot of countries.

I think identifying which you've from as long as I've known you have, not only shows you're using your intelligence to figure things out as in the whys and blocks making it easier to find ways and learn how to apply them for healing.

Depression and anxiety both put walls up instantly with direction from depression with negative thoughts then anxiety steps in causing more stress hence walls that make it so much harder for us to think beyond the panic and overwhelming fear. Our bodies I'm learning are doing their job protecting us by bringing up the defense chemicals/hormones.

I'm slowly learning some things in stressful moments

Think I say to myself no to not feel stressed first. Then at least a couple of deep breaths to calm and refocus temporarily on.
Talk to the thought, reason with it. Do I need to act on it. Is it a junk thought if so move right along please go on choof off.
Any positives in the situation etc. (You taught me a lot of this)

I'm learning more from a Mindspot course. Early days. This is thought challenging which blew me away I started doing more just before MS.

Is the thought useful. What can I do with it etc.

Also if its a memory taking me down I'm trying to tell myself I can't change the past but can learn from it.

Hope this can be of some hel0 Mr Wolfy ☺

Very good news about your Dads moods. Parkinsons is a very hard one. Must be difficult and emotional for all concerned.

Thanks for your kindness to others here Wolfy and practical good insight.

Take good care Mr you're very cared about here ⚘🌱

Saree_p · ‎25-06-2019

Hi Smallwolf

Thoughts are with you, hope you are travelling okay.

Saree

smallwolf · ‎25-06-2019

Hi Saree,

You found me! Funny day today. Not up nor down but lower than average. And that is despite the fact I applied for a new job (outside of IT). I did a counselling prac on Sun - passed. And I see my psychologist again on Thu. I have to look at hooks and helpers again for my psychologist. Been reading a book on Robin Williams. Maiden wrote a song about him also - Tears of a Clown.

Tim

Saree_p · ‎25-06-2019

Tim the Wolfie,

I did!! Sorry it took so long.

Hopefully the psychologist appointment will help! Sorry you are feeling a little low.

Please always keep in mind how wonderful you are to those of us on here, and how much you have helped us. I am sure others will agree with me on this wholeheartedly. Thank you for everything Tim

You seem to like all the interesting people in life 😂

Who else do you read, listen to, explore? Depths of knowledge is always intriguing.

Wishing you the best with your future, over and out

Saree

smallwolf · ‎26-06-2019

Who Else?

I recently (last year) read a book about the Dalai Lama - it was more of an interview by someone.

Then there is "The Book of Joy" which is a 7 day meeting between the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu.

When it comes to fiction I like fantasy or horror. But for non-fiction, I want to learn something, or find out something I might be able to apply to my life. I am not very good about thinking about the other person when I do something for them. For me, I was able to help and that was all. In the book, there is a story about Tutu getting cut off the road, and Tutu is asked why he was not upset. He said the other guy might be having a bad day. In that way, he puts himself into the other persons shoes. And I guess him getting angry would not change the fact of what happened.

Then there are some books by what I might refer to as not-so-famous people.,,, Wild Swans is one book. There was another book about a man growing up poor in Ireland in the 1940/1950s - a sad story, his father was an alcoholic and were pretty much raised by their mum based on the help of other people.

Enough misery for one day.

Tim

PamelaR · ‎26-06-2019

Hi Tim

It's been so long since we've caught up...

Reading Wild Swans probably isn't the best thing when you're feeling down. I found it quite emotionally draining. Reading a meeting between Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu would have been interesting. Anything to share from that read?

I'm pleased to hear you're applying for other jobs. Hope it goes well.

Kind regards

PamelaR