A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[Guest8901]

Dear Tim,

Its some time since you last posted here, and I think you've been more quiet around the forums lately, than is usual for you.

Last you spoke here you'd been through a low patch. Something you were saying you tend to go through in September/October. Well ... its well into November now ... and I'm hoping you are doing much better again.

I'd be interested in hearing how you're doing, when you feel up to posting here again. I've missed seeing you around.

Sending caring thoughts your way.

Amanda 💜

[demonblaster]

Wolfy same as dear Mandy hi lovey ☺ I too have missed seeing you around.

Not just saying you've been in my thoughts. I could've dropped in but tend to coccoon at times trying to work on that so not being here I'm usually up to date on your progress and you know I care very much about you ☺

Hope you're ok matey.

[smallwolf]

Mandy,

Thanks for coming here. I don't know if I have been that quiet - thats in my head. Been around the people with their initial posts. Some days are better than others. So what have I been up to...

- started counseling diploma. Put my BTh on hold. This will allow me to get some new skills, move out of my current job and do something I value.

- still seeing psychiatrist and psychologist. Switched medications again. Onto 3rd one now. In that transition period. The last medication was mainly/mostly for depression, but when I was last with psychiatrist, and after I told her how I was, she suggested going for an SNRI to help combat the anxiety more. It is sort of working.

- Son had been sick with time off school (got out of exams) due to virus and completed Yr 12. Waiting for OP score for Uni. Fingers crossed. During that time, I had been working from home again, to make sure he would take medication at correct times. Funny thing is that at graduation, I was neither happy nor sad.

- I started the new medication just over 2 weeks ago, and was doing OK til this week. I have that chest tightness, pounding heart, and yesterday sweaty palms again. Sometimes concentration problems. And I cannot figure out the trigger, which probably annoys me the most. I feel there must be some sort of trigger causing this! I could be wrong? (Well, the difference is that I am looking at work stuff. But it is like there is a switch that turns on/off when at laptop/away from laptop.)

- See the psychologist tomorrow and psychiatrist next Tue. And the venesections are having the desired effect of reducing ferritin levels.

- I know (?) how I feel, just need to get some 3rd party view (the wife!) to find out how she views my moods! And whether I am getting any better.

Tim

[demonblaster]

Care about you Wolfy and listening

🕊

[Ggrand]

Hello Tim,

Im just popping in while my heads doing okay, to wish you a happy new year....and also praying that next year will bring you some wellness, joy, happies and peace for you and your beautiful family....

Grandy👼..

[smallwolf]

Hi Grandy,

Thanks for stopping by and for your kind thoughts. I extend the same thoughts and wishes to you as well.

I really should do something like weekly updates, but I tend to forget about myself in replying to others. But here goes... as you might recall I changed medications a little while ago. The new medication targets anxiety in addition to depression. While it has been effective on anxiety to a fair degree, I cannot say the same of its effects on depression. This is a conversation for me, the psychologist and psychiatrist. I could go into more detail here but....it is just thoughts (fantasies) I have each day. But life goes on...

I did get some reading done. As a result of these thoughts I have gone back to reading horror stories. Not that I really stopped, but I am not the fastest reader, only like to read one book at a time, and had been reading other subject matter previously. The horror stories themselves become a good distraction for me. Fwiw, a good horror story is not a slasher story like you might see at the movies, but something psychologically scary. Call it therapy.

Will be visiting parents on News Years day. It will be a Christmas celebration and News Years in one. Will be good to catch up with them.

And I have been writing all my thoughts down on paper for next session with my psychologist.

Tim

[demonblaster]

Dear Wolfy and all hi

I care very much about you and do keep up how you're going.

Shame the anti depressants dont seem to be kicking in but glad they're easing anxiety.

Hope you enjoy your xmas new year with your parents.

Take good care friend you matter a great deal to many 💗🕊🌿

[smallwolf]

Db,

As always, thank you for the kind words.

I don't plan on going anywhere yet. Some days are just better or worse than others.

Today has, in some regards, has been my best day in a long time. I was able to read the paper before making any breakfasts. So that probably set me up on a good note. There was a minor misunderstanding with the wife, but that is fine now. Have not touched the garden either. Probably won't tomorrow either. Seeing a film with the wife in the afternoon.

And with the readings I have been doing for the counseling dip., I am also finding out more about myself as well. Of course, this also means another essay for the psychologist to both save me time having to say stuff that I probably don't really want to cover, but maybe essential to getting better also. You might as well know that it relates to feeling of inferiority. Nuff said on that topic.

Going back to do some more reading before thinking about cooking dinner.

Tim

[demonblaster]

Hi Wolfy 😃🛒🎈 good as always to hear from you. For anyone reading that's interested, our dear Starting New here taught some of us on the PC if your keyboard has a windows picture, press that and full stop and up come the emojis, Voila and that's why I threw some in. Woo hoo or as you said once that I've adopted 'woot' 😁

I can completely relate to feelings of inferiority in my case when I'm in deep depression which is pretty much every time in BP episodes but I won't say anymore as you expressed you don't want to go into it which I respect and good on you opening up about it.

Glad today was a better one for you I imagine it's pretty busy with a family and the doings involved so that would have been nice to read the paper.

I have great respect for the champs you included very much for what you all do how you speak and your wisdom, I do feel though sad although it's good of you to do this but when it means you're not talking about how you're doing and missing out on support, what I'm not very well trying to say is anytime if you ever want to talk I amongst many here care (although I've realised I'm not in hard times that are so damned often of any use to anyone during these times, I still check on you when I can) and want to be here for you when I can too 😊

Good on you doing what you're doing with the counselling diploma, I'm keen to have a go sometime but not sure how I'd do which isn't so much low self confidence more being realistic because I need to get some semblence of order in my head, maybe meds might help to be able to take on anything esp involving time limits I'm guessing and study but I'm rambling and this is to support you not rave on about me. So truth here, from what I know of you and the jobs you've done I have no doubt you'll do well. Clearly you have good intelligence and ability. Wishing you well MR Wolfy man.

Hope the movie was good.
Garden although easy to say I'm not a gardener but love the results can wait and weeds will grow and be easier to yank when the time comes you're ready.

ALways want the best possible for you. Wishing this year for you to have good health and happier times.

Thank you for what you do for so many myself included.

Take care and so good hearing you're not going anywhere yet.

💥😎

[smallwolf]

Db,

It was not that I didn't want to talk about it per se, just not in that post. I have to work out what to write, and make sure it is in some sort of logical order. You know there will be another post coming, just not at this minute.

Sending you peace and love,

Tim