A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[smallwolf]

Hi everybody,

Not really my week at the moment. Yesterday my psychologist cancelled and today my psychiatrist cancelled. It would have been my second appointment with the psychiatrist and gotten myself into a ready state. *Screams at world*

I know there would not be any closure after two appointments but... This was important. Just down on myself, frustrated.

Now have to try to reschedule.

Sleep wasn't quality either last night. And I woke up late wondering if I was going to miss appointment. And after a number of days with only a sore stomach, today I get crawling skin sensations.

Feel a bit better writing it down. Thanks for listening to a rambling fool.

[PamelaR]

Dear Tim

You are no rambling old fool. You are a lovely caring, supportive and loving man who is currently going through a bleak period in your life. I reckon, if both my doctor and my psych cancelled on me in the one week, I'd be feeling rejected. Stupid hey, but there you go. So I'd have to get over that first before the next issue of - I need to see you thoughts.

If you need to talk with anyone, have you thought about the BB support service or Lifeline?

You know, I have gone from fortnightly appointments to monthly appointments with my psych. I'm kind of crawling up the wall the past week thinking, I can't do this on my own. But I have, my appt is this week and I got my msg this morning to remind me, so my anxiety dropped immediately....

You've been doing so well Tim. I know it's been hard. The stomach ache must be the pits and the crawling sensation sounds off. I know you know - but breath, focus, ground yourself, do some mindfulness and/or meditation. Relax, breath through the ache, and the other bodily sensations.

We're all here for you. Holding your hand.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[smallwolf]

Pamela,

I see my psychologist on Saturday and psychiatrist on Monday. Their reasons for cancelling were valid. Just sucked, at the time. It's odd. The times when I notice the side effects is when I stop doing anything. Like now, as I write this. I was or am setting up tables for a function and waiting for more chairs to come up. Still not really living. But getting there.

[Ggrand]

Hello Smallwolf,

You said " It's odd. The times when I notice the side effects is when I stop doing anything". This is Distraction working for you..When your working, your thinking about working, and nothing else..Kind of like when your thinking negative thoughts, try to..no don't try, just do something else to keep your mind on your your choice of a distraction excerise, then you won't think negative thoughts...Well done Smallwolf with setting up the tables..and distracting yourself without realising it..

My psych rang in sick 4 weeks ago, said she will ring back and re appoint..she still hasn't, so I rang her office..haha, they don't know if she is at work or not? I think she dumped me, threw me away...

kind and caring hugs,

Grandy..xx

[CMF]

Hi Wolfy,

Sorry to hear you're struggling. Hope you start to feel better soon.

Sending you positive vibes.

CMF x

[Guest8901]

Dear Tim,

Just calling in to check on how you're going, as you've been a little quiet here lately. Though you have visited me on my thread, for which I am very grateful.

Glad your psychologist apt went pretty well on Saturday. Hopefully the psychiatrist session today will provide further answers and long term solutions.

In the meantime keep busy and distracted. I really feel for you. I think my AD experience has been pretty mild compared to some. Although those bothersome SI feelings remain unfortunately. We must persevere however, and eventually the right mix will be stumbled upon. Shame it has to be such a trial and error process to get there. One day it will hopefully be a more exact science. Take a blood test or something which will provide answers to just exactly what each individual needs and will benefit the most from. Sigh ... yeah I'm dreaming.

Sending you a warm and caring hug 🤗 and hope things improve for you very soon.

Amanda 💜

[smallwolf]

Hi,

On being quiet...Yeah... I did write a reply someone earlier today only to get and error on posting and then finding out about the Telstra problems. This was all around 10am today. So here is a update from the end of last week...

Went and saw the psychologist on Saturday morning and I got homework for that. This includes a mindbell application, grounding techniques and good emails between wife and myself (at least) because from work I only get negative emails and that is what caused all the dramas for me. I also have to write 3 lists for next time I see her. These are lists of achievement, gratitude and pleasure. I have to find one of each for each day.

Work was/is still sending emails and I explained this to my psychologist, resigned myself to that fact. This will allow a gradual return to work, before I execute my other plans. (A paid position came up at the college and I have asked for a position description before sending in my resume.)

My psychiatrist appointment did not go ahead this morning. Cancelled due to illness again. I have rescheduled for tomorrow, and if that fails on Friday. I had a blood test a couple of weeks ago now, and really waiting for her (the psychiatrist) to be able to give me the results.

I need to make up a spice bag (of sorts) as a grounding exercise as well. (Thinking of cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves.) I mentioned the feeling of existing only with the ADs, so a combination of the mindbell, the spices and other grounding exercises, I can apply periodically throughout the day. This is also because of the flashbacks that I have to the dreams previously mentioned, and feelings of absolute apathy.

Really hoping that I get to see the psychiatrist tomorrow.

Tim

[demonblaster]

Dear Wolfy and all ☺

I always 👀 and 👂🏻but not always up to posting

I too hope you get to see Psych tomoz. Thats been at least two cancels, good you're seeing a positive that you'll have something to tell him.

You mentioned not being sure how to use emojis, to my understanding and on my PC there's no emojis for here, can't say for a laptop but if you have a tablet or Ipad I imagine too..

• Bottom left of keyboard there's a smiley, thats emojis.Tap your choice
• On mine on bottom L) there's a small rectangle, that's a keyboard pic takes you back to keyboard

Been thinking amongst others here about you. Maybe for your tummy GP or psych maybe able to give you something to settle it. Sounds painful and been bothering you for a while poor thing.

Hey that's sounding good, hope it's suitable about job at Uni, wow and you'd be around people too. Fingers crossed.

How awful those nightmares, don't know if some meditation could help relax you. Maybe sleeping in a calmer state could ease the mutts. An app called smiling minds Grandy and Croix here like and Insight timer Grandy likes, they're guided meditation. Alternatively I make up my own and have had small success in mania which is huge. Basically not too complicated and being aware of relaxing the body and breathing seems to be the gist.

Sad you have SI. The last I heard they're lessening. I'm glad you have a loving by the sounds relationship with your wife and the kids to live for and many here care very much about you Wolfy including me.

I like and have been preparing a post along the lines of your homework and heard Doolsy saying about what she's grateful for which I often do anyway. I noted those things so also going to work on them

Hope your grounding bag works well. Grandy (Ggrand) has a very good grounding thread if you're interested if you search grounding I think would be enough. I'll try to remember I'll check.

Though hard to see when we're in darkness I not only admire you not giving up and seeking new avenues eg Uni, work, new ways of people contact etc I see a few positives happening that ultimately I hope will pull you back up. Uni seems to be opening new avenues. Good on you 👍

Btw thanks for your kind comment about me having a good imagination but I don't think good with words but am learning here

Be ok Wolfy you deserve peace 🌹

[smallwolf]

Hello everyone,

Just had my psychiatrist appointment (finally). Time goes by really fast. Wish there was more time to discuss things with her. But I guess that is also the function of the psychologist. The changes from today include... (1) upping the dosage of ADs (to 150mg). I said that I did not think that I was feeling any better having taken them. And my mood at the moment would definitely indicate that. Though if things did not improve before I see her next, would look for alternative (2) briefly spoke of a gradual return to work. I still have my plan. I am waiting for an email (position description) from Uni before changing or sending my resume. Then, I also have to the send information to my current work place to let them know about the above also!

Why is it easy to tell others to be kind to themselves, but cannot take the same advice ourselves? What is normal? When was I last normal? If only I could that that advice myself, yet I am my worst critic. And if I knew the answers to those other questions, I would have some idea of what I am aiming for. Until, then, will be stuck in limbo.

Tim

[PamelaR]

Hugs Tim 🤗

That's the million dollar question Tim. Honestly though, I think your next question is pertinent. What is normal? I believe it to be a fallacy. Everyone is just so different. Maybe you can have a baseline, but I starting to believe, as I get older and wiser, that this baseline continually shifts to.

Maybe the answer to your question is - if we were to acknowledge that we can be kind to ourselves, we then have to admit that maybe we've done something wrong. This notion is possibly worse than not being kind to ourselves. How could we possibly do anything wrong? We're all so perfect, beautiful, wonderful people. (Hope you pick up my sarcasm to myself. Not aimed at you)

I will end by saying, please be kind to yourself. Things will run their course.

Kind regards

PamelaR