A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[PamelaR]

Hello Wolfy

I've not been around for awhile, though I've been thinking about you. Sorry to hear you're been where you have. Glad it's just the side effect of the drug. Did they change your medication?

Glad you have a plan and your attitude to work is the best I've heard.

There for you Tim.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Music_Freak]

I really needed to read a positive-ish post right now so thank you for sharing 🙂

I'm glad the family relationships are good and work is the only issue (did you end up quitting - I can't remember?). I wish I could say the same, or that I had friends to somewhat fill the void, but I don't, sadly.

Medication side effects do suck at times, but at least you've recognised that that's what it is, which is a good thing also.

[smallwolf]

The medication won't change til I see the doctor on Thursday. Between now and then if I have idealizations I wake up wife.

Crazy as this sounds, it took a extremely bad scenario to work out which relationships were working or important. Just as important, because my psych wants "someone" to watch over me for the next while, I feel safer with myself and the plan she gave me. I hope that makes sense.

[PamelaR]

Cool, sounds a great plan Wolfy.

Take care!! You an awesome wolf!

[quirkywords]

Smallwolf

I have been catching up with your thread, which I read .

am sorry you have been struggling but impressed you can communicate your needs to others.

Your plan makes sense and you have good support people around you.

Sending Kind Thoughts

Quirky

[Birdy77]

Wolfy,

I really like the way you laid out a plan to keep yourself safe, e.g. spend time at uni so you're around people while you've time off work, wake your wife if needed etc. You are doing all the right things.

Smart cookie Wolfy.

We are here for you when you want to get anything off your chest. I admire your honesty and vulnerability.

I will mix you a pink gin (I think i remember that's what you like).

Stay strong Wolfy.

🌻birdy

[smallwolf]

What to do?

My problem might sound weird but... My psych doesn't want me to work at all. My work want me to get better. But my work also want to to pass along information cause apparently all the information is in my head, which is partially true because I did what I was asked to do which was write code and support. If I do quit then I have to provide the information anyway. My support guy admits it is a fault of the business but still need the information. Basically I am caught between a rock and hard place.

To get better I have to be off the grid. But they need me on the grid.

Quit and they get what they need and then I can get better...later.

I am moving to plan B.

I feel like I need to get better now and not later. I have to quit, but how can I get better?

[PamelaR]

Hey Wolfy

Quit and you will get better. It takes time, determination and patience. I think you have all these qualities.

Ahh, the code, you'll obviously have that somewhere? Believe me, you won't be the first person to leave and the company won't know what to do. I've had experience with that, over many years. It's not your fault!! You did want the company wanted to make their money. You do not have to wear this.

You are awesome Tim. Make the choices for you! It's very important that you do. You've said before A supports you - then let go. It's really hard, and the other side will be a slight decline for a little while. The upside is fantastic - once you get there and maintain it. It's all about hard work, determination and patience.

Peace

PamelaR

[Birdy77]

Hey Wolfy,

If you quit, why do you have to provide them the information anyway? They are a business, if they need the info, they can find it elsewhere (the info is code?) and pay for it.

You are not responsible for the company's wellbeing.

🌻birdy

[smallwolf]

Hi all,

Thanks for your kind words and support. I know this is a speed bump in life but it doesn't make it any easier. After the visit to today... The dreams have stopped, but the thoughts have not. Unsure whether it is drugs or not. However between now and next week if the dreams come back I know how to wean myself off them. Will be visiting the psych and GP weekly now. And most likely a psychiatrist. This is all stuff you would not wish in your worst enemy. I will be getting a letter and email from my GP to forward to work. Not sure how that will go down. Anyway...

Midst all this doom and gloom, I am determined to make it out the other side so you will all read the final chapter of a life getting better.

And maybe, someone might stumble upon my story and find a little bit of hope for themselves.