Reflection on the death of Dad

[smallwolf]

My father passed away last Wednesday after a short battle with Parkinson’s disease. He was only in palliative care for less than a week before he died, having moved into an aged care facility just two months prior. His health deteriorated rapidly those last few days, and I said my goodbye on the Saturday before his passing. I even have a picture from this time.

Grief is complex and personal, touching each of us differently. The famous stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – were originally applied to those facing their own mortality, not grieving loved ones. Somehow that changed over time, and we now use those stages to understand mourning too. But it’s not so simple or linear. People oscillate between emotions, sometimes feeling several at once.

For me, there is acceptance of my father’s passing, mixed with relief his suffering is over. But there is no anger or depression yet, though it may come. Our relationship was complicated. He was not one for heartfelt talks or confiding emotions. We had little in common, divergent worldviews and interests. He was not my closest confidant; we struggled connecting on a deeper level.

Does that make him a bad father? No, just a product of his generation and life experiences. But it leaves me unsure how to feel about his loss. There is sadness, yes, but also distance. I mourn the relationship we could have had as much as the one we did.

Still, his passing has affected me in unexpected ways. My sleep is disrupted, concentration wavering. I feel foggy, prone to mistakes and forgetfulness. These are only visible in action and behaviour. Minor frustrations set me off. And apologies to those concerned. This hypersensitivity and emotional deregulation catches me off guard.

Grief manifests itself in the body and mind, even when the heart feels conflicted. The loss of a parent, however imperfect, shakes us at a core level. Right now, I have the feeling of a lump in my throat. It represents the loss of our youth, of the version of ourselves who still had a father. It is perhaps a reminder of our own mortality. Our bodies rebel against these existential threats through sleeplessness, agitation, and lapses in focus. And apologies to those concerned.

[Numbsad]

Thanks TonyWK!

My father was never there for me, my grief stems from a broken dream that maybe he would be, or would atleast be there for his grand kids (up until his death he wasnt). 

[smallwolf]

hello numbsad,

We were perhaps saying goodbye in the last year(s) so when death came, it was that relief you spoke about - and for different people for there are different reasons. I have been in therapy for about 6 years and that helped me also to deal with some of those issues. At the same time, there are also times when you (read I) think about things over life and there are those moments of grief. And as cliche as this sounds.... and perhaps helped in dealing with depression and anxiety ... it about riding the waves. For me, this means there are times you will feel down, and that is OK. In those moments, it's about working out a way (in that moment) to deal with that moment.

[Emotions26]

Hello all,

I found myself thinking of this topic started by smallwolf the other day.

I felt like I wanted to connect but my grief (which keeps on changing) seemed to stifle the thoughts and not allow me to be able to express what I wanted to say.

I also know that sometimes people need space and not want to be reminded of their loss, grief whatever stage it is at.

Numbsad you have an interesting username. Quite fitting. I cannot relate to your specific situation, however, I can relate to the confusion that grief creates throughout the mind and body. Numb and sad at times. Angry and feeling guilty about that at other times. Missing my mum and hurting. Crying. Yet she had been so controlling and unkind too often. So much more. Even laughing.

My response to you would be whatever arises in your mind or body, do not judge yourself. Western society conditions us to feel that we must grieve the loss in particular of a family member. This is wrong.

For our own health and peace of mind we can allow whatever the feeling is whether we like it or not and just be aware of it. This has helped me.

Anger has been the hardest for me as I was taught not to show or express angry feelings; count to 10 instead. I am only in the last 5 years or so approaching the subject of anger in therapy. I cannot believe how that can be. All I can tell myself is that I punished myself for all of those decades and buried those feelings for so long. That is why they are causing me so much pain and lack of understanding now.

Writing whatever comes into my head in a book, for my eyes only.  I have many books. This helps me so much. I have even in the last year been able to read some of the earlier books and surprised myself at how much I have changed. The books relate more to when she was alive and how she and others impacted my life. Yet without reading that book I feel today as though my grief is just as numbing.

Lastly grief is different for every single person. There are no rules. No patterns. No right or wrong. No timeframe that can be measured. My perception.

I tell myself now that it is okay for me to still love her and miss her even after everything horrible that she said or did. They are my feelings not her. I don't have to be like her. I want to be able to love her because I feel that in some ways she took that away from me. So that is a huge loss.  Loss is of course grief.

Be kind and gentle with yourself numbsad, as they are your feelings, not your father's.

Take care

Ems

ps apologies about the book.

[smallwolf]

It's true that there are no rules or timelines for processing these emotions, and sometimes simply acknowledging them without judgment can help.

Writing has been a powerful tool for me as well, and it’s amazing how much things (or we) can change over time, even through the pain.

And to everyone... be kind to yourself in this journey.

[Emotions26]

Well, hello all who write and or visit here. There is such a strong need for a safe space like this. Thank you again for having the strength and foresight to create such a place, smallwolf.

Thank you to all who have written their own thoughts. 

As usual I questioned myself as to whether or not I should write here today. The critical self -inner voice in full swing. 

So this might help someone.  It will help me in writing. 

Today is anniversary year two since mum passing.  Days staying with her during her last days add on to the week leading up.

Depression has been slithering all over me in between nothingness and then without warning non- stop tears.

Anger at self. Self -loathing I now realise to be anger inverted to self rather than outwardly expressed to those who needed to hear the truth.  Agitation and irritation snapping at my heels. 

Still not sleeping properly feeding all of above.  Going out only when absolutely, necessary as in rarely. 

All I can think of is that there is movement of emotions.  Movement is good. 

I read back from the very beginning here.  Was worth the effort.

Someone mentioned being sensitive. I am extremely sensitive as well as highly wired with my sensory perception.  So, if I struggle with myself being this way, how can others be expected to manage me?

Yes, I have asked myself over and over why have I not passed through this and moved on to whatever is waiting for me next? 

Answer:   Do not get to pass through.  Do not know what awaits.  Notice, acknowledge and answer back to the    critical self- inner voice:

"Inner self- critic, you have the repeat button on! Come up with something original and I will find an even better answer for that!"

Progress?

Do not expect everyone to understand.  Another aspect of loss and grief. 

Take care fellow writers and readers.  Respect to all. 

Ems

[smallwolf]

Hey Ems,

I like the answer to the inner critic. Shutting up the inner critic is the difficult part! 

Note to self... maybe just saying "I don't have to listen to you..." might be enough?

[white knight]

Hi all,

I tend to have the "thinking outside the square" answer to issues like inner critic, guilt, intrusive thoughts and especially man made conventions.

As a child my now estranged mother would actively seek any reason for attention. Important dates was her specially. So an anniversary of someone's passing is understandable but she'd go further, she'd calculate the exact day half way between, 6 months then that would justify why she cried so much that day "it's been 6 months since Aunty Muriel died so I'm unwell today... have some compassion".

So inevitably, as I matured I'd realise that the only physical fact about anniversaries is that the earth is at a similar point in orbit. The date is man made. This assisted me in devaluing anniversaries,  the opposite of my mother. This and other logic evaluations of man made things reduced my attachments to anniversaries, they became less significant, one less thing I was dependant on in my sensitive reliant life. Reduction of these milestones resulted in increasing my happy days and my down days weren't from such special dates, an estranged mothers birthday or grief because my loving father passed away that day 11 years earlier. My grief returned when I thought of him anytime.

As for inner critic for me it's same as intrusive thoughts, deflect by distraction rather than mentally trying to reach into your brain to extract it, that doesn't work for many. 

I have no idea if this helps anyone

TonyWK  

[smallwolf]

Thanks Tony. 

Can you tell me a little about distraction... I had made a small error today in something and the inner critic jumps in quicker than you can say ??? It is clearly a work in progress for me.

[Emotions26]

Interesting thoughts on anniversaries, WK

I know that I have had reflections where I think how long has it been now.

For me it is still too soon to distract myself as I have to let myself grieve.

The hardest part is her ashes are still here.

I just have not been able to take them down to the sea.

I will know when the time is right.

With dad, I like to remind myself how old he is now even though he passed so long ago. That is a way of having him with me. I miss him but I know that I am not grieving or it is different to mum.

My brain has outsmarted the distraction tactic and comes up with other challenges.

Best I can do at the moment is use my dark humour tool.

Yes Tony WK it has helped me and you received a response from smallwolf with a question that is a definite yes there then.

You are a wise poet.

Take care all

Ems

[white knight]

Hi SW,

As with many discoveries with my own mind, mere study of its internal mechanisms,  distraction was observed through post events. An upset then a walk around the block saw my mind distracted by anything by the senses, bees to nectar, a loud exhaust, a petrol smell or patting a walkers dog. Had I remained at home in the same chair or staring at a photo of my estranged daughter I not be distracted. As a tinkerer I'm lucky that most distraction can come from a visit to my shed. Years ago a large 3000 piece jigsaw puzzle set up in a spare room did the trick. It was of the Swiss mountains, a lake etc beautiful scene. 20 pieces later I'd leave the room totally free of the past grief or worry.

Then I had to acknowledge when life got monotonous. I'd always owned a vintage car or motorcycle as regular pleasure and polishing. Periods when this wasn't the case like last year for several months, I fell into boring times, gardening wasn't the answer. So in January I began  building a motorbike trike with roof. Very unique.  Plus joining a few bike Facebook groups and 2 local clubs. I'm wary of clubs, the factions, the politics so keep a buffer. So along with caravanning I now have variety. The two essentials variety and distraction is keeping busy. In fact I rarely stay inactive for less than several minutes - they say no moss on a rolling stone.

I do have the odd hiccup though, like my bipolar causes a mood or family upset. Those former is out of my control so acceptance becomes the key and the latter- nip it in the bud is my remedy now. Hope that make sense and by all means ask more.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/nip-it-in-the-bud-ideas/td-p/66816

TonyWK