Never done this before

[Moonstruck]

Good morning all,

My loving partner died 3 weeks ago and I've been different each day....managing to do all the essentials but at times in a confused "lost" sort of way that I hide well. I conduct conversations with others, some who know, some who don't very easily...chatting and laughing and carrying out the essentials of daily life, paying bills, making appointments, car services, new appliances etc....as if nothing had happened.

Most mornings though I want to lie in bed for the whole day,never seeing or speaking to anyone. Driving in the car when a piece of music plays that reminds me of "us" the tears come. I attended a small group meeting of member of a club I belong to (of course it's all been shut down and in limbo since Corona, so nothing happened to distract me from the loss)....just needed to see familiar faces. Strangely enough conversation seemed to shut down and become a bit stilted when I arrived..no one mentioned my loss at all. I was longing for a hug, so I could give way to my pent up emotions, but there were none.

No touch,no comfort offered....nothing! Why was this? These are great people and I know they care and like me..........but they didn't offer any words of comfort. Perhaps I was wrong about them being my friends, perhaps they couldn't give a stuff about me after all...what an idiot I am!

The loss is not just"him"...a person. It's the other things that have also gone. No one knows me, "gets"me, or thinks I am as beautiful as he did. No one will tell me how lovely I look (even when I don't ) any more. No one calls me "darling". No one has my crazy at times black, sense of humour. I don't know anyone else who laughs at the same things we did. It's all those things that have gone too. No one comes in the door and immediately enfolds me in a hug.

Why didn't my friends comfort me?

[Moonstruck]

I am finding this situation of "grief" very strange and inconsistent. I feel out of control about everything pertaining to my life....death of my partner, CoVid restrictions especially state borders preventing me seeing my sons, continuing my social activity and much loved hobby (which involves crowds, but we are not "protestors" so we're not allowed to gather ) crashing my car, and continuing to have nightmares......is like the grief is compounded and added to by these other events.

I have no one to turn to. I lost my partner last month so no one refers to it any more or asks how I am. No one touches me. My GP said she would refer me to a grief counsellor, but I am hoping this can be done face to face, not over the phone. I need face to face....will it be face to face do you think?

after I've had a nightmare the next day I am confused, useless and non communicative...numb. It's been over a month....when will I be through it?

[blondguy]

Hello Moon

you have been through so much....the loss of a loved partner...crashing your car..nightmares....ugh

Since there is no such thing as a dumb question on the forums....can I ask one?...What do you think about making a double appointment with your best GP and having a real talk? I bet you will feel better Moon...You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by doing so x

I used to have awful nightmares when I was in the family court and I was a mess the next day....confused..useless...numb and non communicative....I feel and understand your pain Moon

Bear Hugs...and then some 🙂

Paul

[Moonstruck]

Thanks Paul

I have made the appointment with my GP as she suggested, so I can get the referral to a grief counsellor. I would rather spend the longer time with the counsellor than the GP as I know her primary responsibility is people's physical ailments, especially with the Corona hysteria....

thank you for the bear hug....God I wish it was real, and not just a virtual one. If our Premier allows my son over the border I will hug him and never let him go......

[blondguy]

Hey Moon

You are very strong...seriously

Good on you for being so proactive with your health and doing your best to cope after everything you have been through. The Bear hug was real! I joined the forums in Jan 2016 and have never used the word 'virtual'...until just now 🙂

my kindest always

Paul

[Moonstruck]

Thank you Paul....you're so kind to me always. I have been wondering something...regarding grief and when a close friend or well known associate loses someone close e.g. partner, as I have, someone who loved them.....why do the majority of their friends suddenly "disappear".

Don't they care? Didn't they like me very much in the first place? No one rings me just to say "How are you going...are you handling things OK? Do you need to talk?".......I let an old close friend of more than 30 years know the news via email when it happened....and he replied at once of course.....and since then...nothing!

Another long time friend rang me that day and we spoke at length...since then...nothing! My neighbours with whom I get along fine and knew my partner as well.....nothing. No one ever mentions him. It's as if the death never occurred at all. It's as if I am the same person as I was a couple of months ago...the person they've always known.....except....I'm not!

If someone were to ask sincerely and seriously "How are you? How does this feel and are you doing OK?"...I would burst into tears and wish with all my being they would put their arms around me and comfort me. No one ever asks. Maybe I have been guilty of doing this exact same thing? I am not ascribing "blame"or criticism here...this is all new to me.....I am just wondering why human nature seems to be this way...any clues?

[blondguy]

Hey Moon

I hear you loud and clear when some people dont call us after the loss of a loved one....and it does seem like we have been 'kicked to the curb' so to speak

Thats an excellent question Moon....it is common for some people to 'break contact' so they can grieve as you may be a solid reminder of the person you were close to....Just my humble opinion

Human nature can sometimes work in ways that arent in our best interests.....that said....I dont think it would be a huge ask to have one person text you and say 'How are You?' after what you have been through with the loss of your partner Moon

kindest always Moon

Paul

[Moonstruck]

Dear all....he died in May and it seems the overwhelming grief is just hitting me now. In past few weeks I cry so easily..sadness everywhere. No beauty anywhere..my beautiful ocean, palm trees sand and flawless blue sky are all bland and devoid of pleasure.

Who will love me now? CoVid drama and turmoil have added to the ugliness of the world and my emptiness...how do I fill the emptiness. I am just a walking she'll.. no person inside...how do I get "her" back again..where has she gone?

[Ggrand]

Dear Moon,

Loosing someone we love is hard..and we grieve differently and their is no time timid to start grieving or end grieving...that is if it ever ends...A part of us go with them...and a part of them stay with us...It’s learning to live with our missing part that’s not at all easy....

In the 38 years that I was married, we kept our school friends and their spouses in our lives...I should say my late hubby’s school friends...I got on good with them all..Once my husband passed away, that’s 7 years now..not one of them has contacted me...One of these “friends” was mine from school, who married my husband’s friend....Are they scared to talk to us now, because they don’t know how to, without bringing our partner/husband into a conversation and hurting us...Do they feel awkward toward talking to us..I don’t know...

Dear Moon...You have not that long ago lost your partner..Please don’t be hard on yourself...it might take some time to look at the ocean, palm trees, sand and a flawless blue sky..on your own and see the beauty in it..I promise you that the beauty is still their to be seen by you and to give you pleasure....but atm it’s hidden by grief, sadness and uncertainty...

Moon..you are still their...inside of you....when she is ready..she will come back...

I’m sorry Moon that I cannot take away your pain or help you very much..I really wish I could...

Dear Moon, we all care so much for you...and are here for you...Talk if you need to and feel up to it..

Sending you my care, and some gentle warm hugs..🤗.

Grandy..

[Moonstruck]

What a gentle loving person you are Grandy. Thank you for the comforting words. as my thread says in its title, I have never done this before....I have lost elderly relatives, parents, acquaintances of course as I get older myself...but not a partner, not this kind of relationship...I don't know what to expect of myself, or if I am being too weak, or trying to be too strong.....or making it worse by taking it easy instead of pushing myself to keep busy...I don't know the right way to do this!!

Do I keep busy or do I rest when I feel like it? Is it just an excuse to be "lazy"? These are all things I don't know...I don't know if I am doing it "right".....Love from Moon S

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Moon...

My first time was with my late husband...I married him at 18 years old and lost him when I was 57...even though he was a narcissist...I still loved him...and still miss him...

I had no support after a month...My sons had to get back to their lives..and I was left alone...to manage myself...so many tears, confusion, on what I should be doing...

I just done the best I could...If I felt like doing nothing..I did nothing..if I wanted to cry....I cried...I went with my heart the best I could...He controlled every aspect of my life...I was so afraid of my future and me...

Moon...Honestly sweetheart...I think go with your feelings and do what you think is best for your soul...There is no right way nor wrong way....there is only your way...If you want to play sport..play it..If you want to be busy....be busy...if you want to relax...just relax...most importantly if you need to cry....Please Dear Moon...cry as much as your soul needs to....

Moon..expect nothing of yourself except for giving yourself, some compassion, some care, some kindness towards yourself....and time for your soul and heart to heal..

Sending you Kind thoughts..and more warm comforting hugs..🤗...

Grandy....