Need advice:(

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Hello everyone,

i am new on here and I don't know where to start. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. I am a aged care nurse and my husband runs his own business. Last year was a very tough year for us. My husband developed depression. I watched his personality change and have sat back and tried to help him as much as I can (been a nurse it's in my nature I guess). 

That was 8 months ago, and nothing has changed. I just want to help him as much as I can, but it feels like he is pushing me away. He hardly talks to me anymore and when he does he doesn't make eye contact with me. His moods are horrible so I don't know where I stand anymore. I just look at him and think what has happened? 

[white knight]

Hi PMD.  a warm welcome to BB forums.

As you might be aware most of us here are sufferers of mental health illnesses and have been through issues like that of your husband.

However you havent mentioned if you and he have been to a GP to discuss the problems facing both of you, the sufferer and his carer. An appropriate referral to other specialists would be a positive move.

Either way you need to get to the bottom of it.

Hope you are ok and good luck

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Hello White Knight,

thank you so much for the warm welcome. Yes last year my husband went to our GP and he was seeing a psychologist, but that all stopped earlier this year. I asked him to go back and see his psychologist again, but he refuses:(. He has found closure with mediating. He goes to a meditation centre pretty much every weekend. This is where I feel so useless and left out. I know that I work weekends, but he hasn't even asked me to go with him. 

This really upsets me as up until last year we did everything together and now it's just him. He has made friends where he goes and I can't even meet them:(. I am on a emotional roller coaster and I can't get off:(.

[white knight]

Dear MDP,

It leaves me guessing and like most, I dont like guessing.  But  depression, psychologist to meditation sessions...sounds like possibly he is searching for his answer to peace. Often we humans go through periods where we dont know what we want but we arent happy with where we are at.  

I cant suggest anything else but family counselling. If he wont attend with you then go alone.  I'm of the view that if a partner wants to continue the marriage they will attend especially if you tell them its for you and your fears...not pointing the finger at him.

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Earlier said than done White Knight. I have suggested marriage counselling and he shot me down:(. I have counselling sessions on my own. I still think that he has issues to deal with, but he can't accept it. 

Last year he didn't work for 3 months. Now he is back at work, but his issues are still there. He is a different person now. I wish that he would come back to my loving husband:(. 

I can see that he is not happy with everything, but he refuses to take medication. I do love him, but he is pushing me away:(

[white knight]

mmmm, wondering how to be positive and supportive and be realistic at the same time.

Normally I like many would make suggestions along the lines of the gP etc but you have been down that road.

I know for me I'd need resolve or my mental state would suffer. And thats where I would have to draw the line.  You might have to put yourself first if you decide he isnt putting you first.

I hope you work it out.  Without good communication it isnt looking good. But take care of yourself and remain positive- that's your choice, to remain true and strong.

[Charliebear]

Hello purple monkey dishwasher! Love that name!

as you know from my posts we are in a very similar situation. It's so hard to see the one person you love so dearly go through this and as you I am a giver and care deeply so to be felt like we are getting pushed away from the one we love the most is heartbreaking. This emotional roller coaster is the scariest ride we have been on. 

I go to counselling every we know just to check in and debrief what is going on. The main focus is to get me being a tad selfish and doing things that make me happy. And it does work however at the end of the day when you are both home those emotions come flooding back. You simply can't turn them off.

im off to the counsellor again tomorrow and I will let you know what happened as if you read my last post you will see that I needed to make a big decision for the sake of my son and my little bubba inside. I'm not sure if it's the right one but there is no other choice. I'm scared I'm making the wrong one but I'm willing to give him the space that he keeps saying he needs.

start to do things that you like doing but didn't do them cause you were focusing on others. That is what I have started. I try and exercise a few times a week, I'm trying to do more activities with my son and not let him miss out in anything. I treat myself to a few things. 

My counsellor said if I go down there is no hope if both of us break. That puts a lot of pressure on me but I can see where she is coming from. I can control my actions/feelings etc to a certain extent whilst my husband can't due to this illness. We can be strong and we can be strong first for ourselves and then when our husbands need it we can be for them. 

Feel free to ask me any questions etc as I know how hard it is. xxxx

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Thank you so much white knight and Charliebear for your advice and support. Last year when this all started I kept it all inside for about 2 months. I arrived at work one day and just broke down. I spent about 3 hours with my boss, filling her in and she couldn't believe it. 

Wait there is more! Last year my husband text me and said that he was attracted to another woman. This is where he went off the rails. He saw her every day while I was at work. I thought I put a end to it last year when I told him it's either her or me. He chose me, but then last week I found out that they haven't stopped talking. He reckons he hasn't slept with her, but she just can't take a hint.

i said to him last week if he can't get himself together, I'm leaving and filing for divorce:(. I just wish that he saw how selfish and self absorbed he has become. This is killing me. I have phone counselling and all I do is cry. How can I be with him, if he lies straight to my face?:(

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Thank you so much Charliebear and Geoff,

Geoff: let's start focusing on my problem here and not on Charliebears page. Thank you for getting back to me. My situation is a tough one to deal with. I have my family and few friends( what I have) telling me to leave him and start again. But I wish people would see that it's not easy to do. I don't have a lot of self confidence in myself and I look at my husband and still see the old loving man that I fell in love with 10 years ago. 

I hate this other woman. I hate what she has done to him and I hate this situation. It's hard for me to leave because we live with my husbands brother ( as my husband is unable for some reason to leave him). I wouldn't just be walking away from my husband. I would be walking away from my brother and law and my beautiful cat:(. My head is telling me to go, but my hear is telling me to stay. I'm torn in 2 pieces:(

Charliebear: I am so glad that you and your husband are doing your best to work everything out. I hope you both find happiness together and your beautiful family. You deserve the best in life my friend:). How was your massage? Xo

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Feeling very alone right now:(. It's like he is on a different planet to what I am on and I can't reach out or talk to him. He just shuts me down:(. Don't know what else to do for him. Finding it very hard:(