Need advice:(

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Hello everyone,

i am new on here and I don't know where to start. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. I am a aged care nurse and my husband runs his own business. Last year was a very tough year for us. My husband developed depression. I watched his personality change and have sat back and tried to help him as much as I can (been a nurse it's in my nature I guess). 

That was 8 months ago, and nothing has changed. I just want to help him as much as I can, but it feels like he is pushing me away. He hardly talks to me anymore and when he does he doesn't make eye contact with me. His moods are horrible so I don't know where I stand anymore. I just look at him and think what has happened? 

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Evening GA awesome name by the way!

i think my husband is very confused. He says he still loves me, but loves her in a different way. I couldn't watch him pack, that's why I rang my parents. I broke down on Sunday. My husband has being texting me all day, saying its so hard and he is crying while he packs. Then he texts me and says is our marriage over? Do I want it over? I said no I don't and I asked what he wants and he won't answer me. I know he doesn't want to leave, because he won't leave his house keys.

this is doing my head in

PMD

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi PMD,

It certainly sounds like your husband is confused. Like he doesn't want to leave but he doesn't want to stay either. He has to choose though, you or her. He can't have you both. Its not fair on you, not fair on her. Maybe you could ask him to decide, and not respond unless he has made a decision for good. 

I know it is a big step, and perhaps too big for you now. But maybe try turning your phone off for a while, and just chill out, listen to some music and work out what your heart is teling you. If you just stop and listen, sometimes the answer comes to you.

GA

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Hey GA,

i have asked him to choose between us, but he won't. I have also told him that he can't have both of us. He is dragging moving out on so much, but why? She has 3 kids from her previous marriage, so I don't know if it will last between them. Do I sit back and wait or what?

i just want to scream:(

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi PMD,  

I would suggest making the choice for him. Ask him to move out by a certain date. After that throw his stuff on the verge. He is trying to get both by dragging his feet, and its not fair on anyone in this situation. 

If it is going to fail between them, let it fail, but rebuild your life without him for a while, and even if it does fail, suggest you separate for a few months. At the end of the time, he will know if he wants you or if he wants someone else. if he wants you, you two will be stronger than ever.

Just my thoughts on it, the decision is all up to you and I won't think worse of you if you don't decide to play it that way. It is your life, don't let him take that from you.

GA

[MrsCam]

Seems to me that he wants to have the best of both worlds... it is giving his ego a boost to think that you will always be waiting for him, that is why he occasionally throws you a small bait like saying he loves you, or holding on to his keys... I noticed he asked if you want the marriage to be finished but didnt answer when you asked the same thing... that is a perfect example of whhat I consider him keeping you on a hook to boost his ego when he wants it...

Can you move out of his brothers house?? give yourself a complete break from him and everyone associated with him, especially given the way his father is acting...

Good Luck

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Morning all,

sorry that I haven't being on in a few days, just needed some time. We have separated:( He has only taken a few things with him, so now I have to stair at the rest of his stuff. We talk everyday via text and he still tells me that he loves and misses me, but why say that if he is with her? He hasn't worked all week:(

why not move all his stuff out and give up his house keys?

falling apart:(

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi PMD, 

He is just trying to have both of you, or have a safety net so that if this relationship fails, he won't be alone. 

You deserve better than that, PMD. You are not a toy to be set aside when a shinier, newer toy comes along, but left neglected in a drawer so that he can play with you again if he wants. It is disrespectful to you. 

Pack his stuff up, maybe with help from his brother or a friend you trust, as it will be a hard process and see if you can get his brother to store it somewhere else. Cover it with a blanket and forget about it, as much as you can. Send him a  message saying to pick his stuff up by a certain date, maybe a week or so, and demand his keys by then. If he doesn't  give you his keys by then, change the locks and give his stuff to the salvo's. 

I'll say it again, PMD. You deserve better than the way he is treating you. 

GA

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Hello GA,

He sent me a text this morning saying they he wanted to come over and talk. I waited 2 hours for him, then I text him saying don't bother. I also said that I need time away from him without the talking and texting. I have told him that I want to be separated until the 6th July ( his birthday). I agreed. I told him not to come over, call or text me until then. He reckons that he loves this other woman in a different way to me. He has plenty of clothes and I told him to go back to work. 

This other woman has 3 kids and school holidays is coming up LOL

wish me luck?

PMD

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi PMD

Good luck! Not that I think I'll you need it.  Good on you for asking for a break. It won't be easy being alone,  I just got separated myself, and am facing being alone myself. It is something to get used to, but there is a certain freedom to it. 

The break should give him the space he needs to make up his mind over which one of you he wants. Even if he loves both differently, he has to choose who he is going to be with. 

Also I agree, good luck with the school holidays.

GA

[MrsCam]

good on you for telling him to leave you alone for a bit... will help you get your thoughts & feelings straight in your own mind... how dare he ask to come see you then keep you waiting for 2 hours!! that is a perfect example of him just wanting to keep you dangling on the end of his hook cos it makes him feel better about himself... my ex used to do this to me... he would ask me to come over, Id spend 2 hrs on public transport to get there then when I did he would tell me to F off... he just liked knowing that I would drop everything when he clicked his fingers... the relief I felt when I finally said "no more" and cut him out of my life all together was amazing, and  when he made the 2 hr trip to try and speak to me cos Id stopped answering his calls, well lets just say i treasure the memory of saying "I dont care that youve come all that way to talk to me, I dont want to listen to you"  and shutting the door in his face 🙂

my point is you deserve to be treated better than what you are right now... good luck