Need advice:(

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Hello everyone,

i am new on here and I don't know where to start. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. I am a aged care nurse and my husband runs his own business. Last year was a very tough year for us. My husband developed depression. I watched his personality change and have sat back and tried to help him as much as I can (been a nurse it's in my nature I guess). 

That was 8 months ago, and nothing has changed. I just want to help him as much as I can, but it feels like he is pushing me away. He hardly talks to me anymore and when he does he doesn't make eye contact with me. His moods are horrible so I don't know where I stand anymore. I just look at him and think what has happened? 

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Evening all,

my husband told me today that he is moving out. It all started when she message me on Facebook last night saying that he has moved on and I need to leave him alone. Her profile picture is her and my husband and he is hugging her. I feel so sick. I can't eat because I have no appetite. This makes me sick!

why is he doing this to me?

sad PMD

[MrsCam]

oh thats awful for you 😞

did he know she was going to message you?? cos that is really quite weak & pathetic on his part to go along with that...

I know it doesnt feel like it right now but in the long run you will be better off without him. he has shown you so little respect and consideration and that is not a symptom of his depression, that is just him being a selfish jerk!!

take care of yourself and good luck

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Hello MrsCam,

I only wish that I knew where his head was at. He didn't move out. I asked him to sleep on the lounge last night, but he didn't. Yesterday was my birthday and today he took me shopping. All I wanted was money, so I could go by myself and look around. It was weird because he really didn't want me to go by myself. He finally gave me some money and I spent about 30 mins by myself just wondering around looking at shops. Then he text me saying he was going to faint because he was hungry. As always I have to drop everything and go to him. We sat down for lunch and I started to question him about why he lied to me. 

I finally said to him that he can keep on being friends with her but please stop lying to me. He says it's over, but then he says he loves me and bugs me another birthday present. It's messing with my head. What do you think he would do if I went to my parents for awhile? Would he run after me or just leave me?

caught in a tough place

PMD

[geoff]

dear PMD and Charliebear, I'm sorry but you can't have him one minute and the next minute he's gone or off with another 'bird', this may seem to be harsh, but true.

Marriage means commitment to one person, sure we all want some fun, but fun doesn't include sleeping with someone else.

I have an analogy here which works on the same principle, 'a guy who never shouts a round of drinks in a group, is a person who always lies', so someone who has another girl on facebook or receives text messages will always lie to you, trust has been thrown out the window, and you can never believe what they say.

If he still stays friends with her then something will happen, whether she entices him or whatever, it will happen.

Sorry to say this but it's inevitable.

Once I caught my wife (ex) ringing someone from a public phone booth, I never trusted her again, and even though we still talk and see each other now, I would never trust her again.

Once it's done the chain link which holds the marriage together has been broken. L Geoff. x

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Morning all,

my husband is moving out today and in with her. I am so emotional but I still have to go to work. He thinks that he can come back and see the cat. No way! Once he goes, then he is gone for good! I know that it won't last and I will never take him back. I have to get a second job now, just to pay for his part of the rent.

why is he doing this to me?

[BeeGee]

Because he's selfish and never grew up, believing the universe revolves around him, and who thinks with his Johnson.  Sorry to be blunt, but there it is.  I know this guy - well not specifically, but someone exactly like him. He's left a litter of broken lives and families behind him in his quest for self gratification.  Frankly, you are better with him out of your life altogether.  The "why" of your question would be meaningless to him - for him it's not about you at all, it's all about him and what he wants.  You just don't happen to feature in his latest package of "what I want now".  He is not doing it to you per se, you are just collateral damage in his lust for self gratification.

Having said all that, what I want to say next might sound strange but bear with me.

I think you need to find it in your heart to forgive him.  That doesn't mean saying what he did is OK - it means choosing to clear the scales of judgement in your mind, to say "you don't owe me anymore - I release your debt to me".  Unforgiveness is a cancer that eats away at us and only hurts us - it does nothing whatsoever to the person we don't forgive.  As long as you nurture unforgiveness it will eat away at you.  It's like drinking a vial of poison in the hope of hurting the other person - obviously that's only going to

hurt yourself!  There's an old proverb - "whoever opts for revenge should dig two graves". 

Whether he changes or not, whether he is repentant or not, you can still choose to forgive.  None of that means that you should put yourself back in a place of risk, or allow yourself to be treated like a doormat.  He has chosen to burn those bridges and has to live with the consequences.  It's all about the state of your own heart and nothing to do with him at all.

I know it's really soon, and maybe you aren't ready for it yet, but please consider what I'm saying.  I believe it's crucial for your own healing process that when you are ready you can come to that place where you can find the peace that comes from really forgiving and moving on.  This is a gift that only you can give yourself.

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

I am a total mess guys. His dad text me last night saying that if I say anything to my husbands clients or on Facebook, he will take me to court. I haven't said or wrote anything. I got rid of my Facebook account and now I am so scared. 

Why is he blaming me?

[BeeGee]

Perhaps he is the scared one?  Could he be working on the principle of "the best defence is a good offence"?

Maybe he thinks if he can intimidate you into keeping quiet he can salvage his own reputation. It sounds to me like it's all just bluster and hot air, designed to make you feel exactly the way you are feeling so you'll crawl into a hole and go away.

Be strong. Don't let this sort of intimidation get the better of you. If you've done nothing defamatory (as if you could anyway!) you have nothing to fear. I know this is easier for me to say than it is for you to do, but as much as you can try to ignore their posturing - they are toothless tigers. Treat them with the ignorance they deserve.

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Evening guys,

today I was at home by myself and I just cried and cried. I couldn't go into work and I rang my parents to come and get me. I am now at my parents house until Tuesday, so hopefully my husband will be out by then. He won't give up his house keys which I hate. We live with his brother so my husband is moving out with her, and I will live with his brother. 

Why won't my husband give up his house keys? What does he want from me?

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi PMD, 

I love your name. Just putting that out there.

It sounds like a terrible situation you are in. I have been throguh a nasty divorce myself recently. I wish I could answer the question as to why our partners do that the things they do. Things do not need to be nasty at the end of a relationship but somehow through the pain they feel, they want to make us hurt too. 

I  can't offer much detailed advice as it cuts close to the bone for me. I don't want to bring my own issues into to reflecton yours. It wouldn't  be good advice. 

I do want to say I am here for you, and I am listening. Good on you for calling your family. I hope it is a better environment until things even out a little.

GA