Need advice:(

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Hello everyone,

i am new on here and I don't know where to start. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. I am a aged care nurse and my husband runs his own business. Last year was a very tough year for us. My husband developed depression. I watched his personality change and have sat back and tried to help him as much as I can (been a nurse it's in my nature I guess). 

That was 8 months ago, and nothing has changed. I just want to help him as much as I can, but it feels like he is pushing me away. He hardly talks to me anymore and when he does he doesn't make eye contact with me. His moods are horrible so I don't know where I stand anymore. I just look at him and think what has happened? 

[Charliebear]

Hi there,

do you have any close friends or family that you can just go and have a nice dinner and just not talk about it? Or go and treat yourself to something just for a pick me up. You have to start to believe that you too deserve to be happy as your husband. I've even thought about just going to the movies by myself - why not I say. Sometimes you just need a break from it for a while. Otherwise you are going to have a breakdown like I nearly did this week. Regroup and believe you are worth it xxx

[geoff]

dear PMD, finally caught up with your post.

When there is another person involved, that is in your case a female, the male gets memorised or put on a high and it also happens the other way around, but what it does is that your husband pushes you into a corner, ignores what you say, or even doesn't give a damn what you say, because he can go running back to this other female for comfort in which he tells her everything, so she will soothe him in whatever way she can.

OK men go to their mates, have a beer and talk, no problem, it's been happening for years, no different to ladies doing the same, and whether they talk about 'whow have you seen Z and look at her ************', but when there is another sex involved this will cause great problems, because your husband will talk to her about everything, and what he talks to you about is nil, so it puts a wedge into the marriage and this does get bigger over time, and if for some reason this female leaves then will go searching for someone else.

The trouble with this is that it's just two people living under the same roof, and if he wants s*x he will pretend to make up and say whatever he thinks you want to hear, but it's a NO WIN situation for you, even though you still love him and want him back, and he may also say that he loves you, then that's rubbish, because he has now chosen another female and she is his first priority now.

Let's take for example if the marriage survives and 5 years down the track and you go out to celebrate someone 50th birthday party where there are 60, 70 or more people there, then guess what he is going to do, go searching for another female he can then contact later on, so he is not trust worthy of having you, so I think you know what I am going to say now, well your right, time to move on.

Sorry but I have to be honest with you. L Geoff. x

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Hello Charliebear and Geoff,

thank you both so much for all your support. I have been staring at your posts for awhile. I am in decline now. My husband and I had a huge fight last night ( of course over her). He just doesn't see what he is doing is wrong. You shouldn't blame depression on this situation. I told him if he wants to be with her, then he should go and live with her. He said that I have to move out because we live with his brother and I said no! 

I am so over this woman I just want to scream and swear at her. How dare she ruin my marriage and think its funny. He has taken off early this morning, so I'm not chasing him with texts. Xo

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Evening all,

I feel like we are going backwards and not forwards. Today my husband told me that he wants a break from us, but we can still live under the same roof. That's fine with me, he can sleep on the lounge. I just won't do his washing or ironing, pack his work or lunch bag, drop off or pick up his dry cleaning, cook his meals, wait up for him and do his food shopping for him, fuss over him, call, text or speak to him.

lets see how long this lasts for

Sad PMD

[Charliebear]

Hi there,

sorry haven't been here for a while. Been trying to get my head around stuff too. There is not much more we can do to save our marriages. We have tried. Depression is an awful thing to have and try to overcome however some behaviours are still unacceptable. Everyone deserves to be happy including us. I am setting a date and if there is no improvement in our relationship or some commitment to work on it then enough is enough. I want to feel loved and supported etc. Everything I give to him would be nice to have in return and if not then I'm not going to put myself through this torture anymore and I don't think you should either. We have tried and we were committed to our marriage but there is only so much we can take before we break. Sorry.

Charliebear xxx

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

My dear Charliebear,

i just wish all this pain would go away for both of us. My husband is moving in with her and I'm staying. Makes me so sick that he thinks he is doing the right thing. He blames me for everything, but that's not new. I am so angry and hurt they I can't even talk to him.

i just wish this the could see what he is doing is so wrong and nasty. He isn't thinking straight at all, and she isn't helping the situation at all. And yet I still go to work 5 days a week and throw 62 dementia people into bed plus look after them. I walked around like a zombie yesterday and today is the same.

so very very hurt:(:( xo

[MrsCam]

sorry if this is harsh but how can your husband blame his decision to move in with another woman on you?? and how can this be the result of his depression?? 

I have been reading a few posts by yourself PMD and by Charliebear over the past few weeks and it seems to me that both of you are going above and beyond in your support for your husbands, but they can not use this illness as an excuse to treat you like crap... sorry again if Ive overstepped but as one who struggles with this illness everyday and who tries so hard to not make it my partners problem I get really angry when I read about people who seem to be using it as an excuse for crappy behaviour... 

maybe its time to focus on yourself instead of always putting your husmbands feelings in front of your own...good luck to you...

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Hello MrsCam,

Thank you so much for your support. Thursday and yesterday was a really tough day for me. Last night I sent my husband to the meditation centre and said that he isn't coming home until Monday. I couldn't take is behaviours anymore. I told him to decide who he wants to be with, me or her. I also told him that if he wants her, he can move in with her(even though she has 3 children from a previous marriage). If he wants that I say goodluck!

i told him that I don't deserve this crap that he goes on with. I'm still so angry and hurt. I don't know if I can trust him again. The sad thing is that he has lost his family because of this. And he still claims they he hasn't slept with her.

PMD

[white knight]

Hi PMD

you said "I dont know if I can trust him again" and "He still claims he hasnt slept with her".

Ultimately its your call.  But I know in my heart and my wifes heart we would never trust again if this happened to either of us.

Suffering a loss like this is so hard, so hurtful and so traumatic. But once the move has been made and you are settled in your own place away from that life - you will sigh with relief and go through the motions of rebuilding your life. It sounds so daunting but it will in the end give you a feeling of cleansing, a feeling of honour that you can hold you head up high.

You might not trust again for a while but there are good men out there that wouldnt dream of doing what he has done.

Its your call.  Be strong whatever you decide. But take care of yourself.

[MrsCam]

whether he has slept with her or not he has still violated the trust in your marriage by having this whatever kind of relationship it is with her... infidelity is not only physical...

take care of yourself