My mother died in January

[Artymouse]

Hi. My mother was narcissistic and very needy. She never looked after herself properly, and spent the last 2 years living in a nursing home. I visited her once a week. If she hadn't been so draining, I would have gone more often. I never looked forward to going. Sometimes we got on well, other times were hard. My sister felt the same as me, and none of the grand kids wanted to visit her. 

In November, I went on a long trip overseas. I got back early January, and she went to hospital a week later with pneumonia. She became unconscious and died a few days later. I can't tell you how stressful this was. 

I am glad I was here when she died. But, I know it sounds selfish, I am really angry she died so soon after my trip. She had wanted to die for a long time, even though we took her out a lot and she was able to do lots of things. I came home to Oz on a high, and landed with a thud. 

Meanwhile, I am supposed to be looking for a job but I can't concentrate on anything. I am sleeping badly. I know much of my grief has to do with her never being the loving mother I wanted. It was always all about her. I am angry, sad, despondent. I am wondering how long I am going to feel this way. 

Artymouse

[Neil_1]

Hi Artymouse

You're relatively new to the forums, so I welcome you to Beyond Blue.

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your mother.

Grief is such a hard emotion to deal with and it comes in all shapes and forms.

Also just by reading your post and how it has now panned out, I can sense that your emotional well-being is all over the place at the moment - what with your fantastic time overseas, to coming back to the news about your mother and then her very sad passing and on top of all that, you are trying to find yourself a job.  No wonder you're having a difficult time sleeping.

My first recommendation would be to go see your GP - and give as detailed an account of all that has happened recently and more importantly how exactly you are feeling now.  The results from this will be determined by your GP, with perhaps meds needed, perhaps even alternative counselling needed - for those last two options, they are only 'perhaps' statements and may be needed for a short term, or perhaps not at all.

Please get back to us Artymouse with how you're going?

Kind regards

Neil

ps:  if you don't feel comfortable with your own GP, this site has a list of GP's that you can do a search on and hopefully you'll be able to track down one or more in your local area.  These GP's are specially trained to deal with mental health issues and extensions of that.

[Artymouse]

Hi Neil,

Thank you for your understanding reply. I have got a very good doctor, who I found on this site a few months ago. I am on meds too. But I really do need to see a counsellor. I am going tomorrow to get a referral. I would have gone sooner, but she was on holidays.

The other issue I didn't mention is that my son finished VCE last year. He is now on a gap year and spends most of his time on his iPad. I have to keep hounding him to look for a job. I've told him he will have to go to Centrelink in 2 weeks, and they will be using the stick approach, not carrot. I love him, but I find it much easier to do things when he is at his dads.

i am so stressed I've sent our old, needy cat to my ex-husbands for a few weeks.

i just want life to be easier. I am highly qualified and usually find jobs easily, but I want to make sure my son gets a job soon. It is no good for young people to be unemployed for months.

Artymouse

[Neil_1]

Hi Artymouse (by the way, nice name)

That's excellent to hear that your Doctor is very good and also that is awesome news that you found this doctor via this website.  If BB are listening and reading, hey guys, a big tick for you.  🙂  🙂   I've often wondered what the doctors were like - I assumed they'd be good but it's great to hear that kind of feedback.

I can so see that counselling is going to be needed for you Artymouse, just with all that you've got happening and as you say, you're stressed.

Hey, you don't mind if I relate a story to you.  "No of course not Neil, go right ahead", replied Artymouse.   "Gee, thanx heaps ... I will", says a relieved Neil.

My bro and his wife are highly qualified folk as well and both have excellent jobs - well I consider them excellent, they'd probably beg to differ - anyway, they had the same kind of opinion for their youngest when he was entering his 20's about getting work and a job.  I was always of the opinion, that he's a pretty relaxed and extremely personable young man, and in time he'll find a job.  Well, in time, he found jobs aplenty and is doing quite well.   So, what's the moral of the story ... hmmm, I don't think there is one.

Ok ok, yes there is.  It's that parents always want their children to land on their feet, do well in school, get through that and then when they're finished to get themselves a job.  But I guess after being at school for so so many years, perhaps the last thing they want to do is to then go straight into work?   I don't know.  I went to Year 12 (purely for the social side - well, that's what it turned into, cause I really sucked at both Year 11 and 12);  and then I did a TAFE course for a year, which was pretty cruisey, way back in the day.  So that was kind of like a year off and I found a job at the end of that.

Perhaps he's searching for jobs on his iPad?  🙂   That was kind of a joke, I think.

I guess it might be a matter of sitting with him and finding out what his interests are for jobs wise and perhaps while you're searching for a job for yourself, you might be able to keep an eye out for him also?   But I do understand your wishes for him to not be so lazy and to try and get himself a job as soon as he can.

Perhaps within your hopeful upcoming counselling, this person might be able to give you far better suggestions than what I've rabbited on about above.

It was great to hear back from you AM - sorry I've shortened it, cause my fingers were having troubles getting around Artymouse ... ok, I guess they weren't.  So it shows that I'm the lazy one. 🙂

Would be great for you to post again.

Kind regards

Neil

[Artymouse]

Hi Neil,  

You've made some good points regarding son. No, he isn't looking for jobs on iPad! He is a sports nut and on Twitter etc all day. He had hoped to get in to Sports Journalism, but missed out. Either way, it was his intention to have a gap year. I've suggested he starts a sports blog, as he is an excellent writer, but he can't see the point if he isn't paid!! (I've heard lots of teens say the same thing).

The bottom line is, he's had a 6 week holiday overseas with me, and we've been back 7 weeks. That's a good break, in my view. I don't even care if it's part-time or voluntary work - just something to occupy him. I has a gap year at his age, and spent weeks lying around till my mother told me to get a job. So I know how it is.

I just wish this summer hadn't turned into the perfect storm of stressful events.

AM

[Artymouse]

Well it's been 6 weeks since mum died and I still feel bad. I miss her, even though she drove me nuts. Some days I feel fine, this week not so much. I am not a religious person; I don't believe in life after death. Oh, how I wish I did! I'm sure death would be a bit easier to deal with if I thought I was going to see her again. 

This sure has been a learning experience for me. I've known other people who have died, and been really upset for a few days. But never anyone close to me. And I do believe that, apart from losing a child, losing a parent is the hardest loss. It actually feels physical. When she was unconscious for the last couple of days I was inconsolable. For 2 weeks after I was numb. Then 2 weeks of crippling stomach pain, and now I just want to sleep all the time.

Artymouse 

[JessF]

Hello Artymouse, condolences and hugs around losing your mum, even though you have very conflicted feelings about her. You have probably heard this before, but 6 weeks is still not a very long time at all to be getting over losing someone as close as a parent. I hear everything you are saying and think you are doing very well (as well as can be expected). It is good that you are able to step back a little and analyse your thoughts and see where you are at in the whole grieving rollercoaster.  The feelings  are there and still hurt, but you have some good perspective.  Give your body the rest it needs, you will find that your strength will gradually come back, you may start getting other emotions like anger as well.  But just let it happen and keep talking to us about it.

[White_Rose]

Hello Artymouse

A big hug to you for your the loss of your mother.  No matter what the relationship between you and your mother it still hurts like hell when mom dies.  I always hate it when someone tells me how they felt about their particular events because they think it helps. So other than saying when my mother died I was devastated and cried buckets every nights for at least six months I will keep quiet.  Sorry, I don't want to depress you further. It's just that pain of that sort doesn't go away in a couple of weeks, but it does get better, it really does. Hang in there.

My wonderful GP suggested that I sit down and allow the thoughts and grief to come and sit with them, but only for a limited time, say half an hour, less to start with.  Use a timer to tell you when to stop.  Then get up and do something active.  Sweep the floor, go for walk, etc. That way you get to do your grieving which we all need to do, but in small amounts until you are more able to manage.  It sounds bit contrived I know but it really works, especially when grief swamps you.

I was unable to say goodbye to either of my parents as they lived on the other side of the world and this has always made it worse.  It's hard to think of the good things you had together but they do make you smile and smiling is good for you.  When you are ready, get out the family photos and remember.  It may make you cry but it such a healing thing to do.

Remember it's OK to be angry just as it is OK to cry and grieve. 

Be kind to yourself.  Write lots here.

White Rose

[Artymouse]

Thank you JessF and White Rose for your words of wisdom. I know time is the great healer. And can't be rushed.

It must have been awful for you to be on the other side of the world when your parents died, White Rose. I am grateful I was back in Oz when she died. I'd been in the US for 6 weeks, she suddenly developed pneumonia and died 13 days after I got back. 

Today has been a "good" day - I've spent time with my sister and we can be honest with each other. My sister and I didn't get on well until adulthood, as mum always favoured her. I was the scapegoat. We've both had therapy and realise it was hard for both of us.

I was very angry with mum when I was in my 30's, and argued with her a lot. She wouldn't discuss issues we had, she'd walk out. She didn't "need" me as she had her second husband (he was not my father). However, when he died 11 yrs ago, she moved back to Melbourne and expected me to visit her all the time. I did visit her regularly, and took her out a lot. That was nice, but the last few years were awful as she was always depressed and expected me to cheer her up. We didn't go out anymore. I would come home exhausted. She never apologised for all the years she treated me badly, but I think she did regret it. 

So, I feel a mixture of anger about my upbringing, sadness that we never had the relationship I wanted etc. I am in the process of organising some therapy to deal with all of this. Plus my lack of self-confidence, even though I am intelligent and educated. 

Hope I haven't written too much!

Artymouse

PS my dad, who died 27 yrs ago, was usually away due to work. When home the only interaction was him disciplining us.