I havent recovered from the deaths of my siblings

[pat_the_black_dog]

Hi

im new to BB and wanted to share my story. I feel like all your threads have spoken to me in some way or another and so hopefully can add something that someone else may draw from.

My history starts from being diagnosed with adolesant depression at 11 and being on meds most of my life. I more recently took them up again after an affair and also losing my brother to suicide a few yrs ago and found i couldnt cope. My drinking and drug use got out of control in an attempt to self medicate and then my other brother died from a heart attack due to long term drug abuse. This only pushed my own abuse into overdrive. 

More recently i have attended drug and alcohol detox and am on my 22nd day of sobriety. Realising its a long hard road to come back from all the anguish i have inflicted upon myself. 

I am now trialing my 3rd different anti d in the last month and am scared and

tired of the self loathing and being in my own company. I havent recovered from the deaths of my siblings nor the daily self punishment for my past/current actions. I feel like im losing grip. 

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[HA1]

Hello pat_the_black_dog!

First of all, may I say welcome to the Beyond Blue forum.  I am very glad that you have found the threads useful and, more importantly, that they have helped you.

And thank you for sharing your very painful story.  I cannot comprehend what you have gone through - it must have been beyond hell and back again several times.  That you have managed to lift yourself up and started to work on your road to recovery is a massive credit to you.  I would like to think that what you have demonstrated shows that you strong and determined to control that black dog.  By the username you have chosen, rightly or wrongly, I interpret it as saying that you are taming the dog.  Great!

It will of course take time to get back on your feet after the passing of your siblings.  I think one would never get over it fully, but I think it is possible to manage the feelings.

Like you and many others, I too self medicated with alcohol to the point where it was getting out of control.  Like you, I also have stopped drinking.  It is great that you have completed nearly your first alcohol free month.  How are you coping - are you OK about it or is it a bit of s struggle?

I am no doctor, but I am surprised that you are on your 3rd different AD within a month!  Maybe others on this forum have experienced it, but I find it odd.  In addition to not being a doctor, I am also no rocket scientist, but I thought there was a need to give your body a chance to adjust to the meds.  I could only imagine that you must be feeling pretty average, with withdrawing from one AD and adjusting to another.  But perhaps you had very severe side effects from previous meds?

You seem to suggest that you live by yourself - is that the case?  Do you have any support network?

I think I will stop there - I have asked enough questions (sorry!).

We would very much like to hear back from you and help out more constructively than I have in this first reply.

Please take care of yourself & and reply soon.

K

[geoff]

dear Pat_the_black_dog, it's been a long hard road to get to where you are now, but you're there now, and what this involves and needs is strength.

I'm also a victim of self medicating with alcohol when in depression, but it was one part that caused my divorce, the other part was this long term illness, now I only drink socially.

It's great that 22 days have passed, but I do have a worry here, in that 'you're sick of your own company', and this can happen while being on sobriety, however you have to be careful if you see your own friends, as the temptation to break this period could be tempting, but you haven't done it for 22 days and can still say no.

When I abstained I was always asked to have a drink, and it didn't matter what they said to me, I could say no.

Have you thought about having counselling and this includes grief counselling unless you are seeing a psychiatrist who has prescribed you the medication, but if not ask your doctor for a medicare plan which entitles you to 10 free visits to see a psychologist.

It's important that you have some professional help, so I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.