Why now?

Conch · ‎28-02-2015

I'm sitting on the couch at midnight, sobbing. Why does this hit with no warning? My daughter is home from boarding school, my family are all well, safe. There is no reason to feel this way. It is so frustrating! This year I have had to resign from work due to anxiety and depression. For several weeks now it has felt like a huge weight has been lifted, and I was actually happy. Then tonight it feels like I am suffocating and I don't know why. I have read a lot of others' thoughts, things to try, but I just can't bring myself to do anything. I also feel ridiculous writing this, looking for what? I'm not sure, just a need to know that it affects others in the same way I suppose, that I'm not going crazy. I'm sitting here hoping my husband doesn't wake up because he won't know what to do or say, how to make it better, and then he will feel bad too.

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Conch · ‎28-02-2015

I am on medication, and it has been working quite well since I started taking it in July. When I mentioned other people's thoughts and ideas it was more about trying to find things to take my mind off my feeling of sadness, not suicidal thoughts. When I was first diagnosed with depression I was looking for a means to an accident, not so much to end my life but just to have a break, from everything, for a while. What was most disturbing was that to me they were quite rational thoughts. Yes my doctr has suggested and referred me to a psychologist but for some reason I am reluctant to make a first appointment. I suppose I do know the reason but I am not yet ready to explore my thoughts, not brave enough I suppose. If I just get it out now, perhaps that will be the first step. My father was an alcoholic, not a nice man, did not physically abuse any of us but the lack of love, affection towards me and the emotional abuse towards my mum was always extremely hurtful. He left when I was 15, thank goodness, but my mum struggled financially bringing up three kids on her own. I saw him 3 times in 20 years. Each time he was so wrapped up in his own life he would not ask about me or mine. He was a very selfish man. He lived on a yacht, a very nomadic lifestyle. The last time I saw him was when he arrived in my home town, for a visit and I made the decision that he should meet his grandchildren. He seemed very happy to see us, when we arrived at his yacht, very odd when I had to call out that it was "C ........, your daughter" He was very teary at meeting my little girls, but again a total lack of interest in our lives, what my children did, just endless tales of his life, who he had met, where he had been. When we left he was upset that he didn't get a photo of himself with the girls, but I said I would send him one. He left a couple of weeks later. Six months passed and I receive an anxious call from my brother. Dad's yacht has run aground in Tasmania and he is missing. Such mixed thoughts, but I decide to support both of my brothers and fly to Tasmania. Before we leave we are told his body has been recovered two kilometres from his yacht. There are conflicting stories about what has occurred. When my younger brother and I arrive in Tas we are met by my older brother and a detective. We are told he has taken his own life. there are very few people who know about this because I am very conflicted about my own feelings.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

CMF · ‎28-02-2015

Hi

yes it is very frustrating to be hit with depression and not know why. Everything is fine in our lives but we feel so down. I'm glad a weight has been lifted off your shoulders I inow how that feels. In my experience, when we do suffer anxiety/depression and we do change things to help cope I.e stop working we may get into a rut as we are looking for things to keep us busy and interested. Even though we found it difficult to work, stopping means we need to fill that gap. Do you have hobbies and things to keep you and your mind busy? Things that give you a sense of achievement? When you say looking for things to try I gather that yiu mean things to try and overcome the depression. I found exercise/ walking helpful, making a list of things I need to do around the house and ticking them off as I go. It gives me a purpose, sense of achievement. It does affect others, you're not crazy. Hope to hear back.

cmf

geoff · ‎01-03-2015

dear Conch, your story is a sad one and I felt quite upset by knowing that you tried to make contact with your father after all that time and then to find out what happened to him, so I have to say that I'm so sorry.

Your first meeting with the psychologist may feel awkward, but that's normal, hands sweat heart pounding away and a bit reluctant to begin the conversation, but they realise this and so it will be just a 'get to know each other', but more so knowing how you are feeling.

If you like you can write down on a piece of paper certain problems and whether these are just a major one and several other ones that you are concerned about and give it to him/her, then they will know what to do next.

If you click with this person it means the world to you, because then you will feel comfortable in talking about what you need to talk about. Geoff.

Dennis38 · ‎02-03-2015

Hello Conch,

I understand about the sudden feelings just hitting you for no reason what so ever. You have mentioned that you are on meds so maybe you might just need to have your meds tweaked just a little bit. After a while they stop working and they simply need to be either changed or the dosage you take needs to be upped or maybe even lowered.

The only thing I can add to what Geoff said is that you need to talk to several psychologists, it's kind of like trying on a pair of shoes, you have to try on several before you find that right fit, but once you do you will truly click with that person.