Why doesn't it ever get any better?

[Nerezza]

You hear the success stories of those who once suffered from depression, especially on sites like this plastered with tales of 'It'll be okay' and 'Talk about it'. But for me it never gets any better, it's always there.

I know that I am clinically depressed. I have acknowledged it and attempted to fight it. I've seen psychiatrists and have taken various serotonin medications. The medications do help to a degree but nothing removes the constant exhaustion and lack of energy, the aching and the heaviness and the inability to focus or become truly motivated. Talking doesn't help. I have little faith in other people (I'm fairly misanthropic) and so what they say kind of falls flat on my face and means little. Talking about 'smelling the flowers' and 'seeing the beauty of life', I cannot. The inspirational posters of depression therapy are redundant to me.

Waking everyday is a chore, moving around and existing even more so. My body aches, feeling like some thick black liquid is pumping through my veins. I can feel the blood pulsing through my fingers and feet and they ache. Joints hurt, muscles are tense. It is often tiresome to breathe. Doctors just seem to do blood tests, which usually come back fine. Then they send me off to the psychiatrist, who just talks about jargon that means nothing to me.

I'm not suicidal, I do not hate myself. I hate the depression. I hate that it cripples what I could be. It is an enormous strain on my relationships with people and it is an enormous strain on my own existence. What hope is there when you've no faith in the hope being peddled by disconnected peers? When both the physical and mental pain circulate in a loop that cycles infinite? When every time you open your eyes and see the world for what it is and the truth of it fuels the loathing?

[Scotty2013]

I ask this to, maybe we just need to harden up, dont get me wrong i am not saying get over it or other stereotypical jargon, but not be as sensitive somehow. I'm not sure what i i am doing wrong either, i make small changes with things and yet someone will come along and ruin it usually, or throw a spanner in the works ,and i think oh to damn hard,its like a constant cycle of relapse to me.without the drugs, mentally that is.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Nerezza,

I bet you none of your peers, sorry, disconnected peers are mentally ill.

Your detail is spot on regarding all the exhaustion and ignorance from unwelcome comments.   I even had a comment last week or so that "There is no such thing as depression !" and even a BB survey earlier this year revealed that there are still a small % of the Australian population that think the same way.  What idiots !

There's something with less drug emphasis you could try and that's to meet up with a counselor, not a psychiatrist.   There's a bit more earthyness with a counselor and the psychiatrist mumbo jumbo doesn't sound like you're making a connection.

I blame the reality shows !   Always a winner on whatever medium.   A continual search for the "right" partner or the "best" cook, etc.  It's ridiculous.  I'm a musician and I remember when shows just had music.  No contest.   Not something called "The Voice", "X Factor", "Australia's Got Talen" or "Australian Idol".    So, of course, someone with depression "needs" a pick me up or banal, sterile good word or comment.

There's a post on BB I started a while back called "Worst Family Comments re: Depression" and it's close to 250 responses.   The basis of the thread was to write simple bad stuff that family's say, i.e. "Snap out of it".  Be good therapy for you.

Maybe because you are still alive you could also ask "Why doesn't it ever get any worse ?".   You seem resigned to the worst of it and have great awareness.  There is a disconnect in the brain with depression called "brain fog" so there's no way you can think more positively even if you wanted to.   A lot of your depressed brain is just working to stay depressed.  It's a catch 22.  Get a pet - might help with the walking if you get a dog.   My dog is my life saver.  Unconditional love.

Adios, David.

PS   Sometimes kind gestures of helping neighbours out is good therapy.  I even picked up some rubbish left in my park opposite from some overnight teen party and although it was a bit smelly (and most of my neighbours were happy to wait for the Council to do some work !) I found it refreshing.  Even got to chat to a few strangers and feel part of the community.  Very simple activity.   Gave me a chance to replace my negativity with something more immediate.  That's why I value local shops, the Post Office and passers by - you can connect with anyone if you make an effort.   You just have to leave the house.

[vip]

Hi Nerezza totally can relate to you because I have been suffering with depression for 22 years. Yes it is very exhausting but keeping up with meds speaking to psychs having a supportive friend and family base is the only way to beat this cruel disease. Have you tried doing some volunteering work sometimes thats a confidence booster and you get to speak and make new friends ect. I just live my life 1 day at a time if I get through that day then that was a great achievement, Hang in there and keep going thank goodness for this forum we can all support one another. Take Care

[geoff]

dear Nerezza, hell you're so right, and even if you do get on with psych then that's an hour of talking time, but then we have to go through another 167 hours before the next visit, and that's a lot of hours to struggle with.

OK I got on well with my psychologist seeing her for 20 odd years, but don't get me wrong it was hell for most of those years, had no interest in anything, only the bottle, and even then I got a hard time from everybody, they didn't understand that I needed it to numb my half brain.

Somebody who I do classify as a friend, only because she was the wife of a person who came to see me everyday when I was in depression, and I told her that I was depressed, as I'm still trying to cope with loss of my 18 year old dog, and finding this to be very difficult, but she said 'that's no good but can you please get rid of these empty boxes for me, see you on sat., and can you please take a few panels of the fence so I can get a table through'.

'Not happy Jan'.

I used to say that I had overcome depression, maybe I have because I can be depressed but the next day I'm not, or is it that I'm upset, this interpretation can be  judged differently. Geoff.

[giggles]

HI Nererra

i completely get it and your right it is hard work and I use to get quite inspired by others sometimes only to find that my experience was actually nothing like theirs and that as my key to learning that life is hard and it is a constant battle.

The expectations we are brought up with are well i am sure others have some juicy words for them so to be polite they suck.

That feeling of depression has actually moved for me because I have learnt over the years and it has taken years to accept that half the time the feelings have been coming from the expectations that of course have come from where? Goodness I can suggest a few places like tv,parents but no more because you can make your own connection for that one.If at all.

Because I have acknowledged the feeling in me I do consciously make time to think about that particular feeling and basically examine it bit like getting something new and you need to have a look at it thoroughly before you know how it works or want to purchase it.

I treat my feeling base the same way afterall they are mine to do what I want with so this is how I gain back my personal control and the depressed feeling leaves because I managed to let it go.Once I have done this if it is in the morning I can then get on with my day with a clearer perspective. It does not protect me from life things though you know say someone doing something stupid on the road how can it anyway?(the person doing something stupid is in their world sharing their stupid stuff)

It is huge for me to feel better about myself though because of where I have been so the difference shows through when I meet people as well.

So in a nutshell is this what you read about and nothing happening for you?

I wondered what makes you get up in the mornings.Something is keeping you here even if you can find a small thing like David did with the rubbish clean up.I have managed to find the healthy way to move on from depression and believe others should be able too as long as they know what is actually causing it and what they need to do to relieve it in their own unique way.It is worrying me that some people are not recovering with the help of their Drs.and other professions.

the picture in my post is the art that came out while I was recovering from depression explosive isn't it. 🙂 Ok I am guilty of thinking art therapy for everyone cause it is sooooooooooooooo much fun to do. You could move a mountain if you wanted too.

I hope you can move something soon Nerezza just so you can feel something other than that horrid controling feeling.

ps I know art is not for everyone it is a useful tool though.

Has not made us rich though thats for sure.So you ever go into galleries I do whenever I can and try to see the local councils exhibitions because it actually shows me what going on with our artists.

It is always, always different.

All the best

Giggles