When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

[Guest_1584]

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

[Guest_1584]

But l've wondered too if it's a character thing or lack of as well. She's had to fight so hard so long though l could understand having nothing left, but still.

And l've wondered if her love just isn't string enough or within that character thing there's also a walk away too easily thing.

DK.

[Guest_1584]

My biggest problem is that l just can't feel it.

l've relied on feelings all my life they just come and and they're deadly accurate. But on this- l'm as confused as she is now and when things get like that the feeling can't come through.

l knew this was coming if she stayed too long and she'd just get too low, especially if we didn't reconnect in person.

But l can't feel if it'll turn again, it has before, her depression is like a wave set.

My brother and his gf have gone through much crapola and splits, but yet here they are now, closer than they've ever been after 20yrs.

l do feel things will turn again, as if l'd go up again and we'd reconnect or she feels better enough to come down , God knows when though if not Dec.

And l can't feel anyone else , l couldn't even imagine anyone else.

But the logical side is worried about time and trying to bring it to a conclusion saying you can't just keep going on putting up with all this indefinitely, so make a bloody decision

rx.

[CMF]

Hi rx,

Just did a bit of a catch up on your thread. I must admit I'm not on here much as I find it hard to navigate.

You are, and have been, so patient. I don't know how you do it. I don't think I could,  athough like you, at this age I couldn't start over with someone new.

Hugs

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

Hi cm.

Ahhh, l dunno. Patient l suppose in still being open. But l've also just been doing my thing right through,met people, doing things, lifes just been going on no expectations.

l suppose it paid of for you though right , few mths ago you were ready to chuck it in.

She's talking about coming down again , so l'm not closed yet knew she would but not on hold either though.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Have been doing a lot of thinking though.

Her, all this stuff, on offs, trust from here, us, or moving on !

A lot of guys would be glad being free of the bs too but l have though hypotheticals and one reason l'm trying to stay open is bc no one else would have things we have that mean a lot to me, big things.

But anyway , trying to do life meantime, think too, l'll be open till end of yr but that'll be it for me. 

rx

[CMF]

Heya,

I guess the hardest thing for you is deciding when is it time to stop waiting.

It's interesting how long we'll wait when we know we don't want to start over with someone else.

I hope you do catch up & sorr things out. You certainly deserve it. 

I'll keep checking in when I can.

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm , l'll have to c if l can find u and what's goin on.

Thanks for that .

Yeah l hope too but just not holding breath. Starting over though hmm, couldn't imagine and then there's our things, love our history too, it's really something, very special- well, before this part , and then feelings. Although they're sorta blocked a long time now it's unnatural, hate it but in self preservation,yaknow, bc unless there's a future well,

Crazy really l see my brother and his gf now after 20 yrs and yet here they are, gf and l talk about it all with us like that too, anythings possible.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Yaknow , l'd be interested in what you guys thought of how l should be handling her on offs.

l mean l sort of take them grain of salt mostly bc there's a few things. 1, l was on off myself 8 mths when we met bc with ex issues, but gf stuck by me gave it time and l worked through it and then we were ok, better than ok

So secondly , she's had all her stuff and it was far bigger than a few ex things yet we got through it even with 1/2 of that long distance. l mean l feel it's all been such a testament to us both.

But yeah , it's taken huge amounts out of her and caused depression and then she becomes all over the shop but believe me anyone would've been..

At those times she's just been lost and worn out but she comes out of it and gets back on track so l've tried to allow bc l've known if she gets through it and back to us she'd probably slowly get back to herself.

A lot of guys wouldn't have put up with the on offs but then most wouldn't understand depression and where she's been either..

l do wonder though if l should've been a bit tougher on that stuff and walked away, let her be accountable , not just let it all back in so easily when she comes out of it.

Any thoughts ?

rx

[Guest_1584]

Actually and she did a lot more fore us and held us together. Flew up and down in the middle of Covid , caught trains, empty airports , all of it .

l use to call her wonder woman haha.

[ecomama]

Hey rx, 

I know what you're talking about. When the person isn't here with us RIGHT NOW, then all we have is to look to the past IF we want to keep the relationship alive and going. 

If we don't then I guess we break up, go NC etc... 

I had a break from BF over the weekend and I really needed it. SUPER needed it. 
Break as in not talking, lol, not "break up" break. 

We didn't argue or anything, I'd just had enough of the long calls and I think when he wants to keep my company going on a longer call, he just talks about really silly stuff IMO. 

Anyway I know I couldn't have gotten through the horrid Courts era without his constant support. 
I offered to set him free a few times but eventually this really upset him, so I stopped doing this. 

My decision for now, is to plan whatever I want to do (harmless stuff like joining a Permaculture group lol) and just DO LIFE because it's being sucked away by hours on the phone during my day time. 

I think you and I both don't want to "waste our lives" waiting for something that may never happen. 
Where to next? 
I have no idea.

SNAP rx, I get it. That's all I got! Lol. 

Love EMxxxx