When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

[Guest_1584]

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Hahaaa yeah , easy enough , but eh just get that camera outa my head will ya, kidden.

l know , l feel those too , but l might be wrong , it did happen once haha. Nah l'm very rarely wrong unfortunately very very good instincts problem with those though is listening to them right. And sometimes they just take a few yrs to be proven correct but it always comes in the end. Some of them are in one of my threads, they actually scare me so l'm not talking about them again .

This particular dilemma though hmmmm. l know very clearly what l'm feeling and pretty well have right through the near 4yrs now.  And yeah , may the Gods bless our d's hey but don't worry , that's a s far as that goes on this. lovvvvveee it  when she chucks in her 2 bob though don't you , it's just so damn cool, cute and she is one very very astute old soul too. Buttttt, nevertheless nope never fear. Actually unfortunately that word's kind of [ notice l'm not game to say it twice] , befitting though in this.

Sometimes l think to hell with it, l'm writing the damn list, right here on bb. Nahhhh, can't do that.

But yeah , l've had things right through with us but it's been the weirdest, l've never had it before in anything life, like this and l just can not quite decipher the signs , first time it's ever happened, in anything.

l do know though if we could get her stuff right then we will be right, that much is loud and clear.  lt's the if we could part that's a blurry mess and where to draw the line at this stage.

l mean l hear ya , l feel that same thing, even now , but then there's the blurry mess.

[Guest_1584]

Mind you , l do have very simple back up for these situations. Although as l say never been in quite this weird frame but it's close enough.Time will fix !

The first thing was whether or not to pop up there in the next few wks but truthfully not a good move. She'll just be in too much of a state now things have changed and in every direction for the next mth or two now and after that there def isn't a gap before Christmas sooo, may as well forget that one.

And so from there it's pretty straight forward, if you don't know what to do don't do anything. l'm just getting on with things , doubt we'll talk much. As l say got some nice plans and goodies going on atm l'm really looking forward to and l'll just soldier on with those for the next few mths now l think and go about my business. Maybe she turns around later and does still wanna come down in Dec, we'll see then, or not.

lt'll take care of itself bc if she doesn't make it down or have a plan, then that's gonna be it for me.

l don't wanna be still going through all this every which way at my own expense for another 4yrs.

rx

[Guest_1584]

The thing l've been interested in from a females point of view is mainly just in where gf might seem to her, to be at really. lt's not that you expect some miraculous oh do this or do that , being female she might just see more with her that's all or something l didn't realize , that's all.

The most frustrating thing though is l know what we need and l know what she needs to bring herself back to earth and to us and to clear all the bs she's going through away. l mean even just being together for even a few days would help hugely there or here but what we really need is for her to just come back down to mine and just be us again here.

There's been a few times in life with something serious or even life changing where l've known exactly what's needed but circumstances were out of my control and so l'd just wound up watching it go to shit exactly as l knew it would right in front of my own eyes and damn it this is one more.

Dad always said don't worry about something happening you can't control butttt, that's easier said than done. It is right though.

Then l suppose you could say well it wasn't meant to be then was it well, sometimes when things are too hard or there's non stop road blocks you find out later they weren't meant to be anyway. Only time can tell right.

rx

rx

[ecomama]

Yes I agree and yes I'll get the camera out of your head lol. Maybe we're too much alike in our thinking for me to be of any help or comfort lol. 
I agree with the "time will tell" comment. 

I see you've kind of given yourself your own time line now. 
If she doesn't make it down in Dec then that's it for you. 

Your dad is right of course Re: not being able to do anything about things outside of your control. 
Yes. Sure. 
GFs situation is out of your control. 
What you do about it from your angle is kind of WITHIN your control. 

Still this harks back to a horrible decision with 2 yuck paths. 

It's so difficult and really depends on the level of commitment by each of you to the relationship. 
Atm GF is cutting loose probably because she loves you and knows her sitch is crappy and never ending, not wanting to put you through any more, to set you free. 

She knows she can't give any thing to the r/ship atm, nothing, life is too much for her atm. 

I agree with you though, if only she had a few days down there with you, it would make the world of difference to everything. 
Love EM

[Guest_1584]

Seen the bat phone anywhere can't find the damn thing.

All cool don't worry, l don't expect answers from anyone ha, don't think l've ever done anything anyone said in my life anyway actually, cept ex w maybe, of course there are times in marriage or as a partner eh.. But as l say perspectives are  handy .

Butttt anyway, that's the plan , has been all yr actually l've known it'd come to this so l've stayed open but haven't been sitting round. May as well have followed it 12mths ago though bc as l say, it can be after the fact sometimes when it gets proven right but it always does in the end.

My whales are moving on soon sadly. l might get one or two more sundays with them although they can keep straggling through until Christmas but they usually get much harder to find, little rascals .

Enjoy the party hey.

rx

[Guest_1584]

l haven't known whether to be grateful for our time and us and her, or curse it and myself for not listening to myself 18mths ago. Still , can't take it back l suppose right, maybe fate proves to be involved in life from here and has a surprise that otherwise wouldn't have happened. We see.

rx

[ecomama]

Darned Bat Phone, where is that thing when we need it lol.... 

This hit me hard about how you're feeling >>>> "or curse it and myself for not listening to myself 18mths ago". 

How can you have known 18 months ago what would happen in that 18 months? 
I know you have a "thing" for your gut instincts. Were they pinging you back then this deeply? 
I guess we can go back on your threads.... because we know it's been "a theme"... 

This comment had me thinking that you're pretty much done. 
Hearing your own ultimatum to yourself about Dec made me realise you were half way there at least. 
Esp with this last blow and carry on. 

I know you can't talk all this out to GF as much as you want or need to, it's a mouse wheel anyway atm. 
But it upsets me that you can't. 
So much of this convo is really stuff I would hope GF already knows. But then I know her anxiety and possibly depression over her sitch is completely blocking everything else out. Including you sadly. 

If she KNEW how committed you are to her, would it make a difference? 
Does she KNOW how deep your feelings are for her? 

I just want there to be some "common ground" of some sort or "base understandings" or SOME THING to hold on to as base level for you and her. 

Please don't ruminate over what you coulda or shoulda done, that's more of a waste of your life than anything else. Regret can consume a person and it's absolutely not worth a thing but to add more weight to depression IMHO.

Oops sorry the Party is not until SUNDAY night. Long weekend an' all.
RAINING bucket loads here! LIKE WATERFALLS ughhh. Might have to prep all the inside spaces, use the Straw Bales inside the GARAGE lol... omg whatevs at this point. 

Love EM

[Guest_1584]

Haa yeah , l was thinking ahead didn't think l'd hear from ya again before suday as the bloody bat phones gone west.

But yeah , been arguing with my instinct on everything a few yrs now truth be told. l'd never quite felt peace in persisting, always felt it'd just bite me later. l'd pretty well decided to take the gamble though because l may've been wrong. but oh crikey nah no old threads please haha l've recycled this one just to get rid of the others, done and dusted.

And thanks a lot for that to dear em you are one giving person but yep, we've talked about it all and everything else to many times through everything, anything in any of my threads we've talked about. She knows of course she must've thanked me 1000 times sometimes l actually have to ask her to stop thanking me. But the way you talk around depression/anxiety and all the rest of it with her is just skim across bits and pieces when it just comes up naturally during any of her up times and she's fine then, often bringing them up herself actually. Sometimes even through everything, she still likes to get right down into the soul , you just ride out the waves and get things done that way it's pretty easy on the time gauging how deeply or not to go.

My d's the same in depression might cry days even wks, but suddenly she'd just come for a chat.

Yeah l know , your right no use crying over pasts and spilt milk. Regrets are such a waste aren't they eh. Gf is really inspirational like that amazing really even with everything it's never coulda shoulda or l wish or regret , really admire that.

Nice wkend.

rx

[ecomama]

Old threads banned, found the Bat Phone thankfully lol. 

Such a sinking feeling knowing how great GF is in the normal UP zone but it's not a happening thing for now... 

I'm quite relieved to hear that you've brought up all these things with her, that shows just how close you 2 have been. 
It's always bewildered me how people DON'T bring up really personal things with their partners but ask a bunch of strangers online how to deal with the issues their partner doesn't know about?
This perplexes me but it takes all sorts to make the world go round, right? 

That depth of depression your d (and GF too?) experiences, crying for weeks on end must be SO hard to handle!! 
I've been diagnosed with depression but I can't remember ever crying for very long. I get a headache, so I time my cries lol. But my Counsellor "diagnosed" that I hold those kinds of expressions of my feelings inside due to the way my mother reacted etc. Dear old FOO issues. 
I doubt I'd be diagnosed with it nowadays. 

Is it okay if I ask you something? (I'm working on asking more questions... it's a thing for me)... 
Did you ever Face Time with GF? Like do visual calls with her? 

My BF has refused to all these years, so I respected that. 
This past week I asked, again, if we could FT some time (as a means of "staying close") and he said yes. 
Today I said I would do this if I passed some nice scenery. So I did, on my way home past a GORGEOUS beach I video called him. 
He hung up the video call and called me straight back. 
I was confused, so after I while I said that to him. He said he wasn't ready for it. 

From your POV is this strange? 
Because from my POV it is. I know he's self conscious about how he looks but he's beautiful and I miss seeing him. 

EM

[Guest_1584]

Oh God no we talk about anything , everything, and her as much as me it's not only me needing to know this or work out that she needs to just as much has right through but of course only when she's up to it. Sometimes she sends me 12 questions too, she likes to send her 12 questions , it has to be 12 no more no less, a superstition of hers - think we must be up to about 5000 by now.

Loveeee talking to that girl.

But yeah we vid all the time even sometimes at work l set it up and we chat away while l get a bit down, she took me to samba a few wks ago hmmmm, didn't mind that one one little bit. On the couch in bed down the beach, just whenever we feel like talking as in person as we could at the time yaknow. Not like every call though just whenever , more so just calls no vid than vid.

Yeah it is a bit weird l noticed he seems comfortable with things like this more so than too real, did you say he had some anxiety and other stuff ?

ps , yeah the crying, l don't mind it too much with gf she loves crying anyway, cries about anything even when she's up, heartbreaking with d though.