When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

[Guest_1584]

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

[therising]

Hi rx

Good to hear you're on the verge of investing in some natural therapy, the speakers. However much you can afford, go for it. When it comes to the natural therapy side of things, I like to think of it as an investment. If someone was to say to me 'I can't believe you spent that much on speakers. That's ridiculous', my response to them would be 'How much do you believe my mental well being to be worth? $200, $500, $1000? To me it's priceless, so if I choose to spend/invest $1000 I think I got a bargain'. Do you like that 🙂 Of course, justification is typically based on a matter of opinion. An instant purchase or a long term purchase, the question becomes about whether it's a good one, in our opinion. Whether we're paying long term for a psychologist's time over a number of months, a holiday/break away from the stressors of life every few months, paying for a massage to release built up tension/dis-ease every few weeks or it's a big one off purchase for our well being that equates to a good set of speakers, whatever works.

Investment periods can become expensive. If we've got savings, makes things much easier. In talking of investment periods, they're periods of our life when what used to always work no longer works or things stop working for a period of time, so it becomes about investing in new things that make a difference. If what used to work were long walks on sunny afternoons, perhaps long walks on a sunny afternoons in Spain will take it up a notch to the point where we'll feel those walks in a more sensational way. If what no longer works is jumping out of the car once we've reached a destination that used to bring us to life more, what about jumping out of a plane (with a parachute on, of course). As I say, investment periods. They don't have to be so extreme or expensive but if you've got the money to fund the occasional expensive one, why wouldn't you.

I think, if we're familiar with the absolute depths of depression (a horrible place to be familiar with), one of the most basic of questions is 'What am I worth?'. Am I worth more than a set of speakers, worth more than the cost of being in Spain, more than the time it will take for someone to teach me to pack a chute and land safely (after having exited that plane) etc? The absolute truth is 'Of course'. The challenge can often be about believing in the absolute truth and then investing in it. Sometimes it's easier to believe we're worth less or worthless, which is far from the truth.

[Guest_1584]

Ha , have a friend just moved to Spain from Slovenia, she loves it and admittedly it does sound nice, different to Oz. Butttt, l suppose we have our things to like most countries.

But haaa, yessa , l've no trouble investing, matter of fact l've talked a lot about that last few yrs but l don't think anyone quite got what l'd been getting at. You see l'm not materialistic at all l love minimalism, so it's all been against my grain really, and fills no real void anyway, as l've always known. But there is a short lived feel good so l'll take what l get, and some long term worthwhile things to, like speakers well still getting to those but others. like the new mattress, tv, stick vac haha, at least that one makes life easier if nothing else. And the mattress ahhhh, l can not wait for bed so even if l still don't sleep at least l do it very comfortable. Lots of new tools for work which don't really make any sense bc l'm winding down work now but eh, l just like them anyway and l'll always make and do things. Way too many pizzas.The tv was suppose to get me back into my movies buttttt, nothing, oh well , when it does come back l'll be ready right.

Ah yessa, my new truck. Well it's not new 8yrs old but new enough for me. l always loved driving it was always an escape, freedom, music, open roads, things left the mind. But l couldn't even drive anymore, first time in my life. l was dreading it anytime l had to go somewhere welllll, l fixed that at least and got my driving back haha so l can never wait to drive again now, get my therapy.

l still won't listen to music, until l do again. But if the sound is right, it might work like the truck, we see. Either way when it does come back l'll be ready for that to right. l do use my new kayak a bit , more than the old one anyway which was another therapy, that has helped to if only a bit.

Lots more things, it's all so not me, l've felt fake. Not for things like speakers, mattress or a truck, necessities. But so many other thiings, cheap thrills, unwrapped thrown on the heap so to speak, so much for that. l've known with most it's not the right time but so what. l didn't expect anything really, just felt like some treats for once.

Beautiful things like getting out, feeling the earth sky nature, does just as much maybe even more for me.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Actually its been the same with work to and almost anything else l've managed to do, or just tried to do . Work was always such a go to for me, it was like driving. But even that left , although l need it again right now and can't wait to start back for awhile tight now.

Jobs around the property , forced to butttt, when l think about it all, l hate to think where l might be atm if the cheap thrills weren't tying me over. Short lived and not real but at at least that temporary feel good is higher than lows right, and that carries you over for awhile .

l'm done with investing and spending though this yr from here on, just the other night l thought that, enough. And luckily financially will put those brakes on to now too anyway as l haven't worked since last yr, Now l don't have money to do the house haha, silly bugger. Ahwell, l'll do a new job and put some of that aside for it, meantime there's a tone of just hands on stuff to do meantime.

But l won't be trying to buy nmy way through depression again from here, had my fun what there was of it and feel shallower than ever if anything. My way before was to just do my thing , do life, and mope, until further notice, and it would pass. l'm going back to that. Who we really are is always right.

rx

[Guest_1584]

People always say how can rich people not be happy but l get it. They could have everything , the world at their feet , that might even make it worse actually. The isolation of being famous or extremely wealthy , who'd want it. But even so , it still couldn't buy the important things could it, or love. Fake love yeah , get themselves used , but not real.

rx

[therising]

Hi rx

It's such hard work at times, figuring out who we are, how we work, why we shift (mentally and emotionally) and the list goes on. There are times where I think 'Okay, I think I've got it all worked out, this business called life' and then, bamm, I can feel myself on the brink of depression thinking 'Who was I kidding?!'. If we are as they say, a little like onions with us peeling back the layers, sometimes it feels like you're spending a lot of your life in the peeling process. Brings tears to the eyes 🙂

I can relate to the accumulation of material objects. I think that's connected to the wonderer in me. I believe there's that part of us who can sound a little like 'Oooh, I wonder what it would feel like to have that. I know, I'll buy it and find out'. Then it's a matter or 'Wow, this feels great' before it's put away in the cupboard and it's forgotten about, after having lost it's emotional charge. Then the wonderful or wonder filled self chimes in again, 'What about that? How would it feel to have that? I know, I'll find out'. My kids reign me in at times with their sage words, 'Mum, you can't afford to wonder about having that'. They help manage the wonderful kid in me 🙂 I suppose the question can come down to 'Am I buying good resources for life or am I simply buying into a feeling?'.

There's definitely nothing quite like nature, with the feeling it can offer. We're born natural (or nature-al), so returning to it on the odd occasion just feels right. We're born with senses, so returning to plug our senses back into nature also feels right. There can be a soulful sense of belonging in it and to it. Might sound silly to some but there are times where I feel how much I love nature and how much it loves me back. There's that connection. To personify nature, you can feel when the wind strokes your cheek or ruffles your hair playfully. You can feel the warmth of the sun touch your face gently. You can feel the invitation of the ocean or a walking track up in the hills calling 'Come join (with) me'. It feels like a love affair on occasion, where it all just says 'I love you'. From the pure brilliance of the colours within an astonishing sunset to the wonder involved in where a rainbow ends to being in awe of the power behind the crack that comes with a lightening strike, it is an incredible planet we live on. It's such a gift. With your talk of your love of nature, I wish to thank you for reminding me of my need to return to it more often 🙂

[Guest_1584]

Tbh l've always found the figuring out who they are thing with people pretty odd, or maybe l've just been lucky in that l've mostly always known, maybe that's unusual , don't know. Mind you , earlier in life 20s l suppose, l wanted to be this or tried that or admired him or someone else and went through a lot of fazes but many do. l'm very creative to which is a bit of a curse in many ways as you see a lot and sometimes to you think anything's possible.lt was sort of a bad way to be tbh bc later as l matured more l realized it can all go on into infinity and what l really needed was to just settle into who l really am if l'm ever gonna have a peace. Pretty sure family and friends thought l was a bit crazy and l noticed most of the steady ones didn't really change much , l envied that.

30s or so though l realized who l really was had always just been inside, not outside and all around or in other people and lifestyles, but instead what's always just come naturally to me was who l really was and l was better of just being. l watched my dad a lot too he was always a peculiar mix but one thing was for sure, it was all just him, and it worked for him. later in life people told me l was a lot like dad, which really surprised me.

At any rate , l've always known who l am and what l like , same with spending up last few yrs, l knew it was all just bs and not me but oh well, it doesn't matter had nothing else going on so wth, and maybe it helps no surprises it didn't though. And with trying and changing and doing all these things younger to, l suppose l just needed to get it all out first before settling into just me, or something ! l've watched though a lot of other people in life go full circle to and l've always known if they find it, it will be what they always were deep down, their real selves, passions and likes and ways. And most have returned to those later on to. Quite dramatically to sometimes.

Personally l always think it's all one of the nicest things about getting older, we finally stop spinning and just accept who we really are and there's a real peace in just being /living our authentic selves. But life itself still has all it's other problems l suppose to though doesn't it nonetheless . l really envy those that have peace all round, how lucky are they.

rx

[therising]

Hi rx

Sounds like your dad may have taught you well. Wondering whether he had a solid core sense of self that no one could sway or lead him to doubt. Wondering whether he was also a bit of a natural. What I mean by natural is things would naturally come to him, like ideas or certain inspirational things from out of the blue and he had faith in himself and his ability in following such things that came to mind. Was he a 'go with the flow' kinda of guy with an ability to manage the flow with an admirable degree of flexibility?

This reminds me of my daughter's boyfriend. At 19, he has an astounding level of natural wisdom and maturity. He's one of the most impressive people I've ever met. While he manages the constructive ability to switch between pure analyst and pure feeler (feeling great compassion for others), I couldn't help but wonder about his father. Many say he's very similar to his father in a lot of ways. I asked him whether his father has taught him well, to which he replied 'I suppose he has'. He loves his father dearly and has great respect for him. This young man holds the amazing ability to channel so many highly constructive parts of himself, based on the different challenges he faces. As an analyst, he studies electrical engineering at uni and studies hard while also thoughtfully tutoring my son in chemistry. As a feeler, he composes songs for my daughter of love, through heartfelt words and his ability to play guitar. He's incredibly proud of who he's becoming, having left years of being bullied at school behind him. He remains his sensitive self, yet now easily channels the part of himself who will not tolerate what's intolerable from others. I have great respect for him, while he manages to bring out the best in my daughter.

It would be interesting to know your dad's nature. Would be interesting to know how he managed his internal dialogue. Internal dialogue definitely plays a major part when it comes to how we manage the flow, that's for sure. If the dialogue involves fear, stress or resistance to change, can makes things a lot more challenging. Did your dad have a great passion for something in particular? Was he a nature guy who perhaps loved working with wood or someone who loved the feel of running or someone who loved the feel involved in challenge or risk taking? Was he also a bit of a music lover? Do you know how he managed stress? I do ask a lot of questions 🙂 I enjoy wondering about what makes people tick so brilliantly.

[Guest_1584]

Morng rising

l'l come back tonight but one thing l keep hearing about lately is everyone's daughters meeting all these special bf's.

l wish this so much for my girl , she is such a special special deep old soul and person she deserves such a special love . Yet she's had a terrible run with boys. lt's heart breaking and l wish l could just pop some deserving worthy man out of the sky for her, or advise in ways that none of these things happen again for her , not friends or bf's . She's been sooooo way too special for any friends or boys she connects with , she's so much more.

l was a lot like her at that age and although also a deep old soul l had a wild side to which she does also , she's a much better person than l was back then though, we're very different in that way. Her wild side and the people she's attracted to sorta brings that side of things undone, it so sad and so hard to help. She really deserves someone so so special though bc she is such a unique and special person .

l suppose she's only 20 , and most of the ones l've been hearing about are around the same age so likely none of them will last either anyway l suppose at that age. But still , we'd just love so much for her to meet someone worthy and she deserves it so much , yet they've just been in the end AH.

[Guest_1584]

Personally l'd think early 20s is too young to meet that one these days anyway, it was even back then for me no way l could've lasted. But l just wish she could at least meet somebody good , and steady , and worthy of whom she really is/

She's deep down such a good person but sadly and from her wild edge that person is also a bit of a curse in those ways for her bc she's not only far far more in so many ways than the friends and boys she's been around, they're also always turned out to be me me me selfish little you know whats in the end too.

[Guest_1584]

Funny you should ask all that rising , do you really wanna know about a strangers dad? Sounds like you've got a lot in your own world to worry about.

At any rate , he had a lot of stress, businesses and properties and a huge family, employees and went out on many huge limbs, most would never know. And nope, l never wanted to be like that , not the life l wanted, admired him though. Stress, he did well considering how much of it he had, He wasn't so much into nature as l am but yeah , himself , my brothers, me, have always been extremely out own person. When l say go through a lot of fazes younger , it wasn't really about not being me, stood my ground many times , more just a wandering curious spirit to l suppose.

Have you got a thread somewhere ?

rx