When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

[Guest_1584]

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Hi quirk , hth did you find it you must be firing , take a bow eh.

But honestly , wouldn't waste your time scanning too much , hate to think what l've ranted about haha. Hope you've been ok .

Hiya cm yeah you are NOT wrong. Thank the Gods she has wanted to see some people though of late , not in the manner in which it came about for sure buttttt, aanywayyyy. She is getting some support and guidance now and willing, well sort of , so it's a really huge step .

GF yeah been up a few times now and again soon, she'll be the rest of the yr with her stuff but it's something she feels she has to do so we see. Yep her legals are all done , done done done, it's still hard to believe , we're always saying we forget and think it's all still going- but it's not. After all this time and everything she's been through , pretty amazing. lt's really , l mean really, taken it's toll on her though , and l'm just not sure how she's gonna come out of this mentally .

But yep , wholeeee nother story.

Thx for dropping in , to whereever we are around here.

rx

[Guest_1584]

ps, sorry ahh, em , got the wrong m haha.

[CMF]

Oh, new posts I didn't know about. Still trying to figure these forums out. 

Good to hear from you rx ( and Quirky & Em).

Just wish I could see the threads I was a part of life I used to 😔

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

l dunno how to work posting now, tried 3x , using cm's to quote and getting on with it seems best shot- just what l need , how to use my own thread now doing my head in,

Anywayyyyy. Things with gf aren't looking good. l'm due to go up again soon but l'm really wondering if it's even worth wasting all that money and effort again now.

She's all over the shop , again , well tbh , it's not really again just a continuation. lt hasn't really stopped - wakes up one day thinks and feels like this- tom'w it's opposite , few days later it's something else. l couldn't even begin to explain , it'd just make no sense to the outside and how to even put her ways and rants and never ending brain farts into words is way way beyond me. The very short version of one tiny part of it is though that she's back to saying she doesn't think she can have a relationship- again !!!!!  That's handy thanks, now that l've put all these yrs and support into this, you, us . And that l need to plan out and organize taking off up to see her well in advance right now so which l've already been doing a few wks already now.

There's so many things though that not only could l not even put into words, l'd actually be embarrassed to talk about here openly like this even if l could.

Another thing l'm gonna have to start being honest with myself about is that she's doing my head and my own mental health in. lt's becoming beyond a joke. And any convos we have about anything or plans or us- are just forgotten and rehashed 1 day a wk a mth later , like they never happened, over and over. She's that damn smart l can never work out why she needs to repeat and retalk everything 50times, but l teel you what, that stuff is taxing the hell out of me too.

Anywayyyy, no iea what the word count is so l'll finish this here, may continue.

rx

[ecomama]

Oh dear rx, oh dear. 

I'm glad her (gf) legal stuff is done. 
Sorry but that's exactly how I was during and after to my beautiful patient bf. 
I still apologise to him every now and then for my scattered brain and smashed out heart over everything I was terrified of during that time, including years afterwards. 

He says now that he had full confidence I'd keep loving him lol... he has THAT kind of self assuredness lol. 

This is hard rx. GF is clearly suffering from trauma responses. 

I'm so sorry this is so hard on you though. 

It's understandable that it's all taking a toll on your MH, how could it not? 
GF tooing and froing like that, it's hard to support someone doing this. 

Here listening. 
Love EM

[Guest_1584]

Thanks em , l know you've got well and truly enough of your own to worry sbout so it's nice of you to take the time .

Unfortunately though, it's nothing to do with me or my self assurances, l trust and know myself 100% mostly.  lt's hers l'm worried about and the problem with what your saying though is that she's not you and her situation's not yours , it's a whole nother animal l can't talk about here. Tbh , another thing to is that say you, l don't even know you for example , but your heart is very easy to read , even here on bb. so no surprises whatsoever bf sees where your truly at.

GF's on the other hand, she's Portuguese/Russian and although l can't elaborate further , ahhhhh, lets just say she isn't quite as cut and dry to put it mildly. They also go back 1000s of yrs and there's huge cultural and beliefs differences to, and also in relationship/marriage ways wise as well. Matter of fact, l'm the only guy she's ever even known including ex h , that can see her buttttt, alas. l'm afraid even l'm losing that plot lately too, not even sure anymore who she is these days she doesn't even know herself. And she use to know herself to the soul far deeper than most women couldn't even imagine, l actually chuckle at things l hear or read from a lot of women as compared but sadly yeah , she has become just so lost .

The really big thing is though to that l also can't even begin to get into here is in  what's involved in her say just moving back down to mine now either, to even find out if she is still in there,us,  a few wks in Sydneys not enough. But it's a huge gamble now especially for her , on huge fronts that will mess her life for yrs to come if she was to drop it all now come down to mine but say we didn't work out. Well l certainly can't guarantee it but if it didn't the guilt of it all would kill me for yrs to come.

So all that is a real worry too bc if we did go on first of all we just need a lot more together time now to even know . But we couldn't get it and the way she's been talking lately wellllll.

Anyway don't trouble yourself with my crap it'd do your head in if l was to get into it you've got enough to worry about , look after you atm eh.

rx

[Guest_1584]

ps

at any rate , it's not her love l doubt or ever have l know how she feels. That in essence itself has never really been at the heart of the problem. But it may as well be you could say.

l mean in doubted times l have wondered and asked well how could she this how could she that then buttttt, at the same time, it's never really been about that love itself she still says even just in a call only 40mins ago - or somewhere abouts haha, she'll always love me.Things where she's at lately is also culturally at that very issue too though actually but in another way.

Anywayyyyy.

l thought this would help but it's not really so l won't rant further. Seems we just go on explaining in our hope of finding answers- which drives me crazy , rather than actually find answers.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Thought of a way of putting my main concerns.

Thing is, if we take em even your situation to actually , like from what l understand you two haven't really spent any real time together much at all , excuse if l'm wrong.

But with my sitch to put it simply , we pretty well lived together over 2 yrs before she went back up there. Although earlier in was for me pretty hard it's just that l wasn't use to being two again mainly, we settled right in eventually and she was a beautiful partner, and person ! One of the biggest problem's is lately though l just don't see that same partner , not in the way she talks or acts or in what she wants these days.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Lot of thinking , asleep haha, gf does the same thing, mornings are funny for her her heads been spinning in her sleep all night. She does this morning rant thing in Portuguese/Russian and English, it's that funny. She wonders in circles or around the house making coffees or bringing food back to us in bed and she'll just bla bla bla out loud to herself but sorta to me to, all over the house. She'll bring in coffee/food hands and hair going all over the place ranting away in 3 languages , cracks me up , love watching her self morning rants. She's basically just getting all the sleep stuff and thoughts out of her head, it's that funny to watch , lasts about 20mins.

Anywayyyy, so she calls last night 2 am with some thoughts on the situation, and this morning l get her morning rant- sometimes it's all in Portuguese, or Russian, which l don't read either of too well haha, some French as my mum was French but those two , ahhhh, nope not to well. No need to though they're only her rants, it's just funny.

Funny , my mum use to do the same thing in French but not mornings, just any time round the house, we'd always laugh she'd be wondering round bla bla bla like we weren't even there.

Anyway, her ant this mornig and call last night, English thank God on this one haha is that she knows she's sabotaging and confused , it's more just her situation than us as such - bc l don't wanna go live in sydney in a unit . wish she could just come down for a mth or two first, then we'd know, but with her situation she can't just leave for a mth or two. There's lots more to it to but basically at the heart of the matter if we could just do that, the rest could be sorted along the way naturally.

How did l get myself into these things.

Option B, rock up with a ring and say jump in the car baby haha, but eh, there's things l need to know and see again now first.

rx

[Guest_1584]

We had a beautiful wkend , about as nice as you can have when your 1200k apart and some answers for us both to.

lt's a weird mix with us, usually like is alike, but we're alike but also very different and yet still so alike.

rx