When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

[Guest_1584]

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

[ecomama]

woah just breathing out and hoping my previous post gets through quickly. Yes I see it now lol. 
Sorry for the miscommunication rx. 

Monster hugs right back at ya buddy! 

This stuff is HARD. 

I don't want you to block ANY ONE. 
I am exactly the same (bar Police advice lol). 
I don't block or play stupid games.  

And once my heart is where it is, well.... it's THERE. 
I think you're quite the same? 

Eeeek not blocking omg.... you just explained exactly what I was thinking... keeping lines OPEN may see her come to visit AT BEST. 
But after all the amazing support you've given to her from afar and how much she's NEEDED to hear your voice over these years.... heck on wheels, why would you drop her "like a bowling ball"?? 

You wouldn't because you CAN'T. 
You don't want her to feel alone. 
You don't want her to feel rejection or abandonment from you of all people. 

I couldn't imagine you shunning or dismissing her. 
It's not who you are. 

Cheeses rx, I'm so sorry you thought I meant that. I was meaning that OTHER people would be suggesting that... because I know "other people" lol. 
Oh and I KNOW sis too. Mmmm. I don't know your sister lol, I don't think? 
I meant I know someone LIKE your sister who needs a shrink but IS a shrink and watch out for the curved ball right back at ya! 
DUCK. 
In fact I know 2, that makes me the winner lol. 

(I could explain my random sounding posts in a myriad of ways, I've been accidentally overdosing on correct doses of what the GP ordered me to do. I've been in a fog for days and days - perhaps this contributed). 

IDK rx, I wish you could just go up there and SURPRISE her. 
BF would LOVE me to do this lol. Ain't happening but he would love it. 

Thanks for saying that about me re: the kids. You're so sweet. We're having a ROCKING party for the multiples this weekend. 8 straw bales arriving tomorrow for us to sit on around the HUGE Fire pit and then PARTY!
(Then I'll pull the bales apart one by one for the chickens AND my garden, BINGO! Triple winner lol). 

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1584]

Ahhh em , but eh , they don't know l'm crashing it to yet , that should curl some hair right. Have fun you've bloody earnt it.

And hey no problemo about the blocking thing all cool , l mean a psycho yeah, l might , as in your exs, yeah you bet but nah not her so no sweatsky all good. Funny though yeah they throw that advice around like confetti don't they, like you just switch of love. Actually most of them haven't even had love just 50 nothing nothings so called relationships , if they had of they would know. So you relax and enjoy , but eh l'm feeling dry grass bum splinters from hay bales now.

But you know what , l was gonna do just that , as we speak actually, luckily l called first though. Not to tell her but suss things out. Craps hit it all over left and right and she'll also be moving,,, and also stuydying right through it all too and she just got over her second Covid belt and so she's 3wks behind now at school too now, just to ice it and that's only the easy stuff soooo. Unfortunately we'd get about 5 mins together and that'd be stressing her out even more anyway bc she'd not only  have to find time and train across town just to meet me she's not even gonna have an hour for a mth now anyway.

Lucky l didn't just do it l was just about to actually but l know everything going on and as much as l love taking off, a 2400k drive that will cost a fortune and just put her under even more stress, bugger- just not a good move atm unfortunately.

l'll be back , you go get drunk, should go well with the new meds eh.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Funny , we had a fight once and did block ea other , for about 10 mins !!!!

rx

[Guest_1584]

Mind you , l am still thinking about going up haven't quite ridden that off yet but there are a couple of things though. Right now, we're pretty well broken up so l'm not sure how she'd even feel about it, she's said she just can't manage being in a relationship anymore . l mean l know where that is coming from and why but the thing is that it is so l def don't wanna go all that way for nothing or stress her out even more.

The other thing is picking a time to show up with what she has going on. Mind you l reckon l could narrow that part right down to where l think if l happened to be there, she'd manage it- if she wanted to.

So anywayyy, that's the thing .

[ecomama]

Okay, we're good lol. Awesome. 

Yeah it's a shame you couldn't go up. 
I still have some hope she may come down later on, Uni break in Dec and all. 

I hope she's getting extensions for her Uni work! 
Alexa has this year, in her Psych Honours Course, because she contracted Covid. 
Anyway that's me trying to help HER by going through YOU and you're more or less broken up. So yeah. 

I can understand her thinking "it's all too much". 
The amount of anxiety (possibly PTSD) she's got now after the horrors, plus desperately trying to find safe housing AND do Uni??? 
Heavens that's a TON to deal with. Pretty much a nightmare following on from the other nightmares... ughhhh.

I cannot understand how people think LOVE is a switch we can just flick. 
It's not under most circumstances IME, well not for my personality type anyway lol. 

Time to breathe and get some really healthy food in to you, dust off the kayak perhaps? 
Do anything and everything that soothes you. I was going to plant thousands of seeds in a new vege bed BUT the RAIN.... omg the rain. 

Hey Buddy! 
We pad those Straw Bales up SO much that they're very comfy thankyou very much lol. No straw splinters on my watch. I use folded blankets on each one AND a VELVET beach towel on each too, they're LUSH lol. 
I don't drink but I still enjoy myself. I get to put on groovy 80s and 90s music and dance around with the party goers. My kids LOVE that era of music and probably know all the words better than I do lol. 
It's not until Sunday night, I'm seeing Costa Georgiadis from Gardening Australia THIS SATURDAY!! Woohooo lol. SO excited. 

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1584]

Haaa , the comfort , l was only kidding , and with the drink to figured you prob don't. Bales make great seats and a beautiful atmosphere don't they hey, lovely idea it all sounds really nice. And meeting Costa , classic .

But alas yep, can't believe she's actually going through more now than through the courts and ex period, poor thing she's prob more stressed and pushed now than she's ever been. The course stuff though, yeah well she could and they have offered but she doesn't want to she wants out so. 

l mean going up anytime soon now l am really worried about her pressures and time, it'd likely backfire and be too much for her butttt, aside from this next few wks there won't be any other chances before Christmas otherwise.

[ecomama]

Oh gosh so GF is leaving Uni altogether then? Is that what you meant by "she wants out so"?

I'll wait till you respond to that lol... I'm trying to learn my forum etiquette lol... between ADHD and a BILLION kids omg I TRY to keep up but yeah, I can't, not always. 

And one son's new GF moved in without son talking to me about it BUT that's okay... I just thought it was odd he didn't mention it. She just came up and we had a really big talk. She is SO freaking SWEET. 
Sadly her dad is losing their home in Family Law as we speak. She just told me... I thought everything had been "settled" and him and the girls were in their home. Not so. They're losing it! 
The dad's a mess... they literally have no where to go... omg been homeless with kids.... the poor man. 
I said to son's gf you can stay here now and forever. She said "phew that's lucky for me then". 

Enough about that. 
I think going up would be too much for her as you said. She has too much of everything going on all over the shop atm. And I think PTSD compounds on compounding and makes us so much worse at handling simple things 24 / 7 over time. 
I want to gather HER up to live here too!!! But then I'd be fighting over her with you so nahhhh. lol. Just joking btw.

Hopefully the new place offers her some sense of safety and stability. Some GROUNDING in her own space. 

Do you know that everything and everyone anywhere scared me in the aftermath? 
Strangers, people in the supermarket, THE supermarket. Everything had triggers associated. 

I watched an awesome YouTube clip by Gabor Mate about trauma and found it SO true and amazing that I saved it in my YT Library. Let me know if you want the exact title. It would really help anyone trying to support someone who's deeply trauma affected. 

Will check in soon
Love EM 

[Guest_1584]

But  yeah , unfortunately things here are only the tip of it, sadly.

Even d said a few wks back dado , she knows all of it - you know l really like O and l know how special you guys are but yaknow, ever thought about someone else ? As much as l like her all this this stuff, it just seems to follow her around and you've been dealing with it that long , it was suppose to be done a yr ago and now all this.

Thennnn, she says, no one else is gonna have this kinda crap, really, imagine what it'd be like with someone that had her life together  !  Worst thing is she's right l know.

Oh well .

rx

[Guest_1584]

Haa thanks for that em , but eh you take it easy you've got enough on, and then some, Crikey Moses.

So sad about her dads place and the kids , God l hate all that stuff. l really hope something works out and that is so nice of you to btw. They kinda snuck her in eh , crack up that's the go l use to do the same thing.

Her course nah she's not quitting ha, l wish. They're just suppose to be finished end of yr and she just wants them done done done, at least that'll be something of her plate.

But yeah l could well imagine in your case , l hope things have been becoming more at ease for you. Her nerves are totally shot , that's why she's always sick , it all ruins the immune system you prob know all about it. And why she has so much trouble flying especially now bc it's become a lot worse so it's a really big thing for her to fly down or anywhere atm.

[ecomama]

Hey rx, we need a BAT PHONE with each other at the rate we're going lol. 

Yeah everything frightened me, as I can see her nerves are shattered too. The dear thing. 

Sometimes life IS like that for some people! I'm one of those "some people"! 
But the thing is that you KNOW her, deeply and underneath all the surface dramas. 

I know your daughter knows you far better than I ever will and she loves you like only a protective can. 
Butttt as you say..... this is YOUR life, you get to make these decisions and I'm gonna tell you what my BF says about really hard decisions to make between TWO options..... 

(he's a very wise old owl my bf lol) 
he says.... when we have the choice of 2 GOOD options and we can't decide then the reason for this is that they are BOTH GOOD paths to take.... 

Similarly .... when we have the choice of TWO AWFUL options, of course we can't decide because BOTH paths have really uncomfortable paths. 

Your options of (let's try to be rational here -yeah right...): 
1. Break up  >>>> awful path of heart break and revoltingness forever OR
2. Stay in relationship mindset, having hope and not giving up >>>> IMO not quite as awful? Very frustrating, very mind effing, very confusing even.... but NOT "the end". 

I'm still feeling that it's not "the end" for you. It could be one day! 
But it's not like that TODAY. 

So when it's not like this for you TODAY then we're still sitting on the side of HOPE. 

Make sense? I'm not sure if I ever make sense to anyone but myself lol!!! 

Hope it makes sense, 
Love EM