what to do when Depression strikes

[BBUser10]

Hi all

i've come to the conclusion that I have very little chance of a full recovery ( only took 6 years for me to admit it).

this came about today with one of the many colourful discussions with my wife who said I've been trying different things for years to cure myself, and maybe it's time to accept the condition and learn how to live with it rather than fight all the time. I feel she right as it takes so much energy to fight and I'm tired I just want to live my life , save my marriage and spend time with my kids.

so my question is when you feel an episode of depression comming what do you do to accept it and get on with your life ? Hopefully it's possible .

also I don't always know when it's going to happen , so can anyone tell me how they know when it's happening ?i also have anxiety Attacks , but i find these easier to deal with 

TIA

MR

[Neil_1]

Hi there MR

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.  May I ask for the part you wrote that said, TIA, is that an abbreviation of Thanx In Anticipation?

Learning how to live with it is a crucial thing and that’s very positive that you’ve been able to come to this conclusion and it’s also very perceptive of your wife in saying that for you fighting the fight, that it “does” take a tremendous amount of energy and as such can take away energy and enthusiasm for other parts of your life;  family, children, marriage, etc.

I’m assuming here that you’ve got a good doctor who you go see and also perhaps a counsellor or psych who I would imagine would be very beneficial for you as well.

Personally I find that depression is with me for most of my waking moments – it’s just the intensity of it that varies;  and so for me, the daily coping mechanisms that I have in place are to keep to my routines.  I know if I stray out of my normality, that will cause me no end of stress, tension, anxiety, so as much as I can, I stick to my routine.  I make it basic so I can achieve it.  I also exercise regularly, eat as clean a diet as possible, drink ample loads of water – and have time for my family (my partner, son, and daughter) – they are my world.

So basically I’ve learnt to accept my life with depression, anxiety and ptsd and I deal with it on a daily basis, and of course I have my daily medications that I must take also.

Lastly, I find that coming here and writing to others helps me.  I find that if I can reach out and help someone else, by posting and delivering some words that I’ve gained through my own experiences, hopefully it’ll help that person, but on a personal note, it makes me feel good inside.  I guess that’s another key – try to find something(s) that make you feel good inside.

Cheers

Neil

[Stormi71]

I think most of the time, we can't "cure" depression, at best we can manage it and live with it. I tell my husband straight away when I'm having a bout of depression or anxiety, so he knows what is coming and can be more supportive to me. Not that he's not supportive other times, but he just knows I'm having a tough time and to help more than normal.

It's really hard for partners and family etc, too, as unless they have been through it themselves, they don't really understand it. There are support services for carers, too, that might help. I got the package from Beyond Blue the other day (because I joined Blue Voices, I think?) and there is a booklet in there that is the Beyond Blue guide for carers. I keep trying to get my husband to read it, as I think it will help him understand a bit more, and also how to help himself in the role of carer. 

[BBUser10]

Thanks Neil

 TIA = thanks in advance

 i have a good dr and physc , but I'm trying to cope without meds at the moment ..... I'm 8 weeks in with no AD and the last 2 weeks have been hard. 

 my mind find a hundred reasons not to discuss my feeling with my wife and that's the part I struggle by the time I go to speak to her we're both wound up and ends in a arguments.

[BBUser10]

Hi Stormi71

 thanks for you reply

 i will try and per warn my wife I feel depressed and see if that helps, it's hard as she does not understand what a hell on earth depression can be 😞

i also have tried to get her to read help for care givers of depression, but she just says no 

thanks again 

[Neil_1]

Hi there MR (hope it’s ok to address you as MR, as you signed off like that in your original post)

That’s really pleasing to hear about you having both a good doc and psych – I can’t tell you how much that can be of a huge relief to the person;  finding someone professional who is good is really a huge bonus.   Eight weeks in and still no AD’s – that is brilliant going, but as you’ve said, the last couple of weeks have been though.  It could be well worth another visit back to your doc, because you don’t want to ride this thing out alone if it could be at the expense of other areas of your life.

And I relate this to perhaps you and your wife.  If things are being bottled up so much, it sounds like it could be coming out in the wrong way and you end up in arguments.

I know your wife, your partner, your nearest and dearest should be (for all intents and purposes) be your massive support and be there for you, etc;  but sometimes this can become just way too much for them.  If we do our unloading at home and on a frequent basis, or perhaps telling them things that they don’t understand or simply don’t want to hear – it can really affect them.  I’ve personally found this and as hard as it is, I find our relationship is better if I shield her from the fullness of how I’m feeling.  Of course I do let her know fairly regularly with how I’m travelling etc and if I’m doing it ultra tough, I’m able to tell her, but then I don’t go into anything further there.

I’ll either get onto computer and type it down in a word document, or talk to one of my dogs, they understand and still love you no matter what or make an appointment with a counsellor.  Or I’ve got a couple of friends who are very receptive to my woes and unloading, so I’m very lucky in that way also.

Cheers

Neil

[BBUser10]

Hi Neil 

 thanks for your reply , I totally see what you mean by bogging down my wife with the in and outs of how i feel.... She fets defensive and frustrated and it just ends in a argument.

 i am finding that as soon as ghe kids have gone to bed i start to get agitated , for several reasons

1. My wife says making small talk will help me , i find this hard at the best of times let alone when im down. She is adamant that we can not be either close or intimate unless we talk about mundane things

2. My physc says i need to tell my wofe how im feeling , the only real time for this is after thd kids have gone to bed at 20.30pm and my wife works alot so goes to bed early i feel alot of pressure badically having an alloted time

3. Both physc and wife say i need to talk about how my days been work etc..... My job can be stressful and i dont like to re live it when i get home 

 these 3 things on top of my mind playing with me ..... Makes me go into a fight or flight situation and i end up getting pains all over and going to our room within 1/2 hour of the kids going to bed if i stay around i will just get angry ..... So flight it is

i love my wife , i want it to work but i just want the depression to go away .

i am stickmy wife leaves upto me weather to talk or not which just adds more pressure 😞 

 i think sometimes it would be easier to leave ( but thats not what i want)

rang over thanks for listening 

MR

[Neil_1]

Hi there MR

Great to hear back from you.

That damned old syndrome of ‘fight’ or ‘flight’.  And then the other term that can go hand in hand with that, ‘You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t’.

But this is much more than just clichés etc … this is your life and how things are right now for you.

1.  With regard to the mundane things, when perhaps it’s dinner time or even the clean up afterwards (and from my point of view with that, the kitchen and the eternal goings on there – does it ever end – sorry slight digression), is it possible to chat away at that time, while the kids are maybe off doing something else?  I’m guessing your kids are much older, if their end bedtime is around 10:30pm?

1. That’s interesting that your psych would say that – but then perhaps he’s just meaning, similar to what I mentioned, in saying how you are feeling, but not going into the actual guts of everything?  I too feel pressure and get a feeling of things not being right, if you’ve got to allocate time for different things in a relationship – with work or other things, yes, but with a relationship, my thought is that it should flow more smoothly than that;  just a personal viewpoint there.

1. In all three of your points, it seems the main key thing is the option of ‘talk’.  So I’m no expert, but it appears that communication could be a big factor here – perhaps just a little off-load from time to time “might” be helpful?

Perhaps another option could be for your wife to share her thoughts and her times for how her day went – get a bit of two way communication going, rather than it all seeming to be just one way – all that “you” have to talk, you have to unload, etc?

I hope some of this has helped.

Kind regards

Neil

[Gruffudd]

Hi there,

I think one of the things is tuning into the cycle that Depression seems to take. Sometimes it is like clouds going over and it will pass, other times it needs my attention. I think how I know if something is happening is by checking in with how I am at least once each day. It is probably described as mindfulness, how I feel physically is a clue to mentality - if I am heavy, or frozen that is an indicator that all is not quite right.

Rob.