what should I do with my alcoholic and depressed partner

haike · ‎05-06-2018

Where to begin? we've been together one and half year, we met in New Zealand when we were both travelling there on a working holiday visa. He was honest to me at the beginning, said he’s an alcoholic for 5 years and he has depression since he was a teenager. He want to quit drinking, and he never deny his alcoholism. we've always been travelling in the past year, since we come from different country, kind have to, all the visa problems. We fight a lot over alcohol. He start being physically and mentally abusive. I start being crazy also. Every time he got a bottle, I try to pour it out, then we get into a fight, next morning we’ll hold each other crying and say sorry he’ll never drink again.. then, it happen again. he drink and we fight/argue from nz to china, then Indonesia. there were somedays he did really good without drinking, but never last more than 2 weeks. always some bad thing happen, to became his new excuse to start drinking again. now we are in Australia doing working holiday.. He become so mad recently, at everything, got fight with people after drunk at night, then got himself in trouble. I have realized i'm in an abusive relationship for a while, but it's so hard to let go, so hard to give up on him, to watch him suffer, I want to help so bad, but don't know how. we were trying to find a place to settle down, get a job, which, he said would help him a lot. but we just couldn't make it yet when we still travelling. and his mind set is he won't stop drinking until we settle down. but I can't deal with he drinking anymore, it drives me crazy, I thinking about breaking up all the time, and so many hurtful things he put on me, I'm mentally destroyed..but , who is going to help him? I'm the only one he has, I feel so selfish, but meantime I know it's the right choice for both of us. he is not only an alcoholic, he is in depression too. and I know partner's support means a lot to him. but, when I'm so mad at him drinking and when we argue so much, it dose't do any good for him. I tried to calm down, I searched a lot stuff online, I learned a lot, but when thing happened we do stupid things we couldn't control our anger... im so lost, so confuesed ,,don't know what to do? what's right? I just want to make the best choice for him, he needs more help than me. I'm still strong, positive, looking for a way out, for us, him and myself...but I'm so lost , and helpless..

Peppermintbach · ‎07-06-2018

Hi haike,

I would like to extend a gentle and warm welcome to the forums to you. I hope you don’t mind...

I felt so many emotions as I read your post. You’re clearly going through a lot. It’s painful and heartwrenching to love someone who has a lot of their own inner demons to wrestle with...

Sadly, and I hope that I don’t upset you by saying this, I feel alcohol is the “third person” (so to speak) in your relationship...he seems highly dependent on alcohol. I know he said that he will give up drinking if he settles down but it’s also possible that this might not happen...

This is coming from someone who also turn to alcohol to cope. While I don’t drink to the same extent as your partner, I know it’s not easy to give up...I feel this is something you might like to think about when it come to your partner’s drinking.

Also, I must admit that I’m concerned about your safety and wellbeing. You said he is abusive, and alcohol or no alcohol, I feel that’s not ever okay. You deserve to be treated with care and respect...please know this.

I know you care about him and want to help him; you clearly have a big heart. That said, I feel at the end of the day, you need to look after your own needs and mental health first and foremost especially when there is abuse involved.

It’s just that with the abuse and drinking that you mentioned, I just feel this relationship is very damaging to your mental health (and you seem to aware of that too). Sorry, I hope that wasn’t out of line. I’m saying it out of concern for you so hopefully that doesn’t upset you...

I hope that I can make a gentle suggestion. You might like to look up 1800RESPECT as it’s an organisation that specialises in domestic violence and abuse; I believe they have a helpline plus other online services that you might find helpful. Also, there are other state based helplines for abuse and domestic violence that you might like to consider.

I think you’re very brave to share some of your story. I hope, and only if you feel comfortable here, that you continue talking to us as we would like to support you. I know you’re going through a very difficult time.

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

geoff · ‎07-06-2018

Hello Haike, and a warm welcome to you and thanks Pepper for your excellent comment.

Sorry this will be a short reply now, but will continue when my pc is going properly, it's the printer doing this.

I know and understand exactly what you have told us, I've been there as well and I have also had someone else who had the problem, at that time I was looking after his elderly father.

To settle down hoping it will stop is a big decision to make, but he as to decide whether or not he wants to give up the alcohol because delaying his decision is not helping him.

You can provide the dollars to help him, but nothing will work until he makes that decision.

My concern is how you are coping because you have to look after yourself.

I will continue and again sorry for the short reply.

Geoff.

haike · ‎14-06-2019

its been almost a year, we've made some achievement. the last job we've done we didn't "muck it up", we had struggle though, we had dark moment that we thought about giving up, but the manager was really supportive and we've made it through.

now we are separated because of visas, he's alone in a foreign country, full of negative thoughts. I'm so tired and when we argue, he won't stop saying horrible things and it hurt so much. im at this point that I don't want to forgive any more, why cant he stop doing shit? I want this relationship work so bad and I feel I've done my best, but I feel he just keep ruining it.

and all this make me question myself can we continue this? can we make it? or why I'm still doing this shit with him? he always put his feelings beyond me, every time we had an argue, he might just went for a drink because "he's pissed off by me", once I cried and I walked away after he said something that hurt me, but instead of getting an apology, I had to deal with a drunk one that night. he could say real bad things to hurt me or humiliate me, to push me away. he can be really cold to me or be an asshole for all day because he is in a bad mood, but when I feel upset, he get upset at me.

I blame those problem to alcohol or depression, but its so hard to not take it personally.
so many days I think about a break up, but I love and care this guy so much, I think I just need to be more patient, and give a bit more time, be more supportive.
some days we can be so happy, some days we take care of each other and having fun like 2 kids.
I feel that if he is happy than we both are happy, but if he is depressed or can't help to drink, then our relationship will be back to miserable again.
but I often forget that he is in depression, he can hide it so well, he can just act like an asshole instead of being depressed. I don't know how to make him to understand that im a human being too, even im not depressed but I have feelings and I get hurt.
I know its not fair to me, but its not fair to him either, i could not imagine how he suffer from his depression and anxiety, he's on the edge now, I feel so sorry but don't know how to help.