Used to frequent here a few months ago, I was moving upwards but the depression is seeping back in.

[Baileysmells]

I started the year off with multiple ambulance and police visits. I was hopeless, bitter and defeated.

I’ve started university since then, found a combination of meds that seem to work. But damn the feeling of loneliness is now my biggest enemy. 

I’ve been on a bunch of dates since moving to my new town and I always end up getting ghosted after a few meet ups. Despite it seemingly going so well over the phone. I’m talking weeks of calls and whatnot. One of whom was the closest to my personality I’ve ever seen, I kinda got my hopes up about that and now it’s a source of sadness for me.

Anyway my point is I feel lonely, around my sister and family. Around my one friend I made up here. In general. It’s like I don’t feel happy or hopeful unless I’m talking to someone who I can share my life with, and when I have that and it gets taken from me- the crash is so unbelievably hard. I notice my life is boring as hell, my hobbies don’t interest me anymore. My town requires a car for everything and I’m just working on my 100 Learner hours now. I just feel like there is no substance to my life. It’s enough to make me continue back into my old habits when I was really bad.

Being an introvert with mad anxiety too is proving very difficult with the uni environment. Group work makes me so awkward, if someone doesn’t show signs of liking me right away I assume they hate me. People are starting to ease into their groups and I’m in class working by myself when discussion topics come up. I passed on a toga party because I didn’t want to be left behind by my friend because I’d be like a lost puppy then. And I feel terrible about that too. Damn I’m rambling, I guess I have nowhere else dump this, I’m just struggling to be as social as I want to be and dealing with being alone.

Thank you for reading, the new layout is looking good so far

[Sophie_M]

Dear Baileysmells
 
Thank you for posting this evening, we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. As you know this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses...
 
We are sorry to hear that you are feeling this way; we can see that you are trying your best and clearly with resilience to keep on trying; it takes a lot of courage and perseverance.  We understand when it feels like you aren’t getting all that far at times and it’s moments like these, we like to offer a friendly ear to listen to these troubles and discuss any options or assistance that may be appropriate.
 
We are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
We’re sure you will hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M
 

[yggdrasil]

Hi Baileysmells,

Thank you for posting your experiences on here - I think a lot of people will relate to them. Personally I relate very much to what you have written. 

I felt the way you do for a long time, but eventually I started to question whether romantic relationships can actually provide the deep sense of connection and fulfilment I was looking for: I'm sure they can for some people, some of the time, but perhaos they're too intense, and too inherently volatile, to be a durable solution.

Another option is to join a community group you're passionate about. When I was younger these were often political or activist groups. Now I'm older I spend more time in "spiritual" groups (despite being a scientist with zero religious upbringing). I've noticed similar patterns among my friends too, and it's something we discuss.

One possible reason for our gradual shift is that spiritual groups may be less volatile. For me, I've also found they provide the best remedy for loneliness and emptiness, but this probably depends on the particular people in the particular group. I think spiritual groups can also provide a baseline level of social interaction for those of us who are very introverted or anxious. I think spiritual groups also often emphasise that there are many kinds of loving relationships, and romantic relationships are only one kind.

Regarding feeling like life is boring, I think it's really important to build controlled risks/thrills into your life to combat this. I think experiencing risk, and the psychological reward that comes from overcoming fear, is probably an important part of human nature.

During COVID I started skateboarding again, but now I'm old so I wear helmet and all the pads. I still hurt myself sometimes, but so far the pads and helmet mean injuries are minor. However, the risk of injury means it's a genuine thrill when I do push past the fear and land something scary. I see lots of people on rollerskates at the skateparks now too. I like that skating is a solo thing, but you can make it as social as you want at the skateparks. Have you ever tried a sport like skating? I'm sure acrobatics, contact sports etc accomplish the same thing.

I hope the upcoming week goes a little easier for you!

yggdrasil

[Baileysmells]

Thank you for replying. 

I feel as if friendships aren’t enough for me, they aren’t as caring or involved. Relationships fill this void in my soul that just doesn’t get fitted with anything else I’ve had so far. 

I do skate a little, where I live the skateparks are full of eshays and young teens. Turning 21 soon I don’t feel like it could be my crowd unfortunately. Anxiety doesn’t like the idea either haha

I just have so much trouble even talking to a stranger across my table at school

[yggdrasil]

Totally understand where you are coming from, and I agree relationships can definitely fill this void. However, none of us will be in romantic relationships at all stages of our lives, so I think it's important to also experiment with other strategies. 

Part of my motivation for exploring spiritual communities came from reading an article about mental health programs for Aboriginal kids. The gist of the article was that programs which helped kids connect with traditional culture had a very positive influence on their mental health. I started wondering whether the same idea would work for me. Being of Anglo-Saxon background I started re-reading all the Norse myths and legends I read as a kid, watching shows about Vikings, and listening to "traditional norse" music... which all sounds very lame as I type it.

From there it was a small step to exploring more contemporary religions, although I went in with both eyes open, and a very strong skepticism/cynicism/pragmatism about it all. It wasn't that I was trying to "believe" in something, more that I was suffering a lot, and willing to try anything that might improve my mood. Joining a spiritual community with deep historical roots seemed like a sensible approximation to engaging with a "traditional culture", as in the article mentioned above.

Different groups do different things, but for the group I joined it basically meant going to a nice building with a nice garden once a week, and singing weird songs about how there's some force in the universe that loves you, wants the best for you (and the best from you) and that everything will be ok. Perhaps it isn't so surprising hearing a message like this regularly helped alleviate feelings of emptiness. It's not that I "believe" it on a rational level, but some other part of me responds to it nevertheless.

On another note, if the skateparks are off-putting, I wonder if there are some other hard-core activities in your area? When I was slightly older than you are I started doing kick-boxing group classes at a nearby gym. Basically some pro kick-boxer instructor dude yelled drills at you - occasionally pairing you up for simple exercises. You could chat with the person you got paired with, or not, totally optional. It felt pretty cool learning some of the moves haha. 

Anyway, I hope the next few days go a little easier. 

yggdrasil