Spouse with depression or anxiety lashing out at children

[AlanZ]

Seriously concerned about my wife (40) of 14 years. Over the last year she had gone through a few major personality changes that are noticeable to me. She is often angry, sad, doesn't engage in conversation, spends most of her days on the couch and often lashes out especially to our children, especially in the mornings.

This is of most concern to me. The children are often terrified and feel like they no longer have a connection with her. I try to be there for everyone but this is just not enough. I step out for 5 minutes and she immediately starts a fight with someone. She still goes to work but afterwards or on the weekend mostly is glued to her phone or is doing some obsessive actions like reorganising the pantry for 3 hrs. She sleeps over 8hrs a night but still looks tired and frustrated all the time.

With regards to her mental state, I have broached the subject with her on many occasions but she seems to always explain it as something temporary ("I am dealing with it", "I'll be better as long I do less housework or something else", "I've had this before"). In her culture (she is Chinese) mental illness is seen as weakness or some kind of insult (to call someone mental). I feel like she needs to get some help before things get worse or before the kids develop some issues. 

I come from a family where my mother had anger and paranoia issues for years. My dad never had the guts to get her some help and she never accepted her problems. She had a very negative impact on my brother and my sister too. I would be a complete failure as a father if I let the exact same thing happen to my own kids. But I really don't know what to do to get her to treat this problem.

Talked to her mother and she doesn't seem to understand that this is a health issue. Also, she doesn't have a lot of influence over her. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi AlanZ,  Thank you for sharing this here. It sounds incredibly difficult. We can hear you’re a really supportive partner and you’re taking care of both her and the children while she goes through this. We hope you can find some comfort and understanding on the forums, where other community members may be able to relate to what you’re going through.   It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to help him, and we hope you are able to see how inspiring that is. I’m sure we’ll hear from our amazing community soon, but in the meantime, we wanted to share a couple of pages with you in case they interest you: 

• An amazing thread on this topic you may have already come across, are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience 
• Our article on 10 ways to be there for someone 

We think it’s really important more support is there. You or your partner can call our lovely counsellors or speak to your GP to find out about getting some more support. Please remember that if either of you feel unsafe at any point, the number to call is 000.   It’s so important, that while caring for your partner, you are aware of your own emotional wellbeing. Please remember to reach out any time you feel you are struggling, to the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636, or to our friends at Carers Australia on 1800 242 636.   Thank you again for sharing here, we hope it helps you to hear from and share with people who understand what you’re going through. Please share more, and keep us updated whenever you feel comfortable to do so. We’re sure others on this thread will appreciate it as much as we do, and will share in kind their advice, understanding and appreciation.  Kind regards,  Sophie M 

[Banksy92]

Hello AlanZ,

I am very sorry you and your family are going through this experience, it is so difficult to see someone you care about go through something like this - as well as you and your children being impacted by it. 

You have taken some really meaningful steps already to check in with her about how she is feeling and talking with her mother for advice. I think it's always helpful to try and keep those conversations going regularly even when it feels like it's going nowhere. As long as she knows you are there for here and are mindful of her wellbeing that is a support in itself she may call on when she feels ready. 

My other advice would be to look for alternative ways to support her if she is not quite yet open to getting professional help. For example, maybe there are certain activities you know she really enjoys which you could make time to do together? Plan a few fun or relaxing days out together which could help take her mind off things or bring a smile to her face. If it's within your means, maybe you could book a small holiday?

You describe some of her responses to your enquires to be about the housework load - perhaps you could support her by taking a few things off her hands for a while? Or do something special to show gratitude for all the work she is doing... Just some ideas.

Maybe if the mornings are tough, you could all sit down as a family and discuss ways to change up the routine that might be easier on everyone...

If you can take a few smaller steps towards making her feel supported or reconnected with herself, it could help to get her to a headspace where she is more open to discussing mental health services/support.

Let us know how you're going when you can.

[therising]

Hi AlanZ

You're such a beautiful person, so conscious and loving. I feel for you so much as you work hard on being the best husband, dad and self you can be, especially given the current situation combined with your experiences growing up.

I'm wondering if approaching your wife from a different angle might have a positive impact, given how she was raised to feel about mental health issues. Maybe instead of mentioning depression, anger and anxiety, using the words 'incredibly down', 'deeply upset' and 'overwhelmingly stressed' might make a difference as an opening.

The incredibly down aspect (depression) could perhaps go a little like 'I can't help but wonder what's leading you to feel so incredibly down. I can't leave you suffering like this and I feel we need to play 'detective' in order to get to the bottom of it'.

Once the issue's raised, you might be able to sense when you can start changing the wording. 'Incredibly down' might then shift to 'We need to figure out what's bringing you down, what's depressing you'. Eventually it could shift to 'There are many things that can lead a person to experience a depression'. So, it's like there's a gradual lead in, that might take hours or perhaps days.

Being a 52yo gal and having left long term depression behind me, since then it's taken a lot of detective work and a lot of strategic management to manage not going back into long term depression. I've discovered a variety of factors can lead to a depression. From my own experience: Sleep apena (waking up exhausted every morning), a serious b12 deficiency, a depressing lack of inspiration, a depressing level of mental and physical exhaustion such as with the final stage of general adaptation syndrome (GAS), feeling overwhelmingly lost with a lack of direction, grieving for a lost sense of self (like perhaps the adventurer in us) and so on. This is what I mean when I mention playing detective. There can be mental factors (perspective, beliefs etc), physical factors (chemistry, low level energy within certain systems in the body etc) and even soulful factors (feeling a disconnection to self and life as well as being able to sense the absence of joy and all those other feelings that act as fuel).

Your wife is blessed to have you in her corner.