Too much to fix

[aap]

Hello

i have visited BB quite a bit but have only just signed up.

I have been seeing a counsellor for issues at work , over the last year, and I have been making some improvements as far as things not getting to me as much, although I have lost my passion for my job as a result. I have a supportive husband and son who is 21 and a teenage daughter who is busy being a teenage girl

I have had serious health issues over the years that seem to be resolving themselves but my problem is there still seems too much to fix.

Despite having a good immediate family I don't have that relationship with my extended family, on both sides they live away and aren't interested. My friends prefer to stay at home rather than go out and I feel I have no family, friends or workmates that I can talk to about my mental state ,work issues or even just go out with on a regular basis. My son  whom I am very close to is moving out soon and I know it is the next phase of his life, but I am feeling for my own loss as he truly is good company and understands me.( his moving out has been the instigation for signing up as I am devastated for myself and happy for him)

Sometimes I feel there is too much to fix about my life as I have been trying to work on many things over a number of years and am getting tired of it all. I feel very lonely often and as I am so unhappy at work this compounds the problem. 

I need help to fix my loneliness, learn to let go of things and have some peace where I am not trying to rectify some part of me that is not right.

Any ideas ?

[White_Rose]

Dear AAP

Welcome to Beyond Blue. If you have been reading the posts for a while you know we welcome everyone and we are interested in your story and how we can help and support you.

Work life affects our home life so much and we spend so much time at work every day that when things go amiss it can be very upsetting. I am really sorry that you have lost some of your passion for your job.

I am glad you are making progress with your counsellor. When you have someone who understands what is happening and is in a position to help it gives a feeling of relief to some extent.  Have you thought about changing jobs? I know this is not always easy to do and you may not want to do this. Just a thought.

It's good that your health is improving as being unwell can be so draining. I hope the improvement continues. Social life is also important in our overall health and going to work and coming home does not not offer much stimulation.

I take it that you work full time so are not able to go out socially during the week. And weekends are generally reserved for family. Have you thought about joining a group that already exists and offers social interaction? I go to a book club once a month and of course I need to read the appointed book during that time. Check with your local library or in you local paper for groups that meet regularly for whatever reason.

In my area there are walking groups which meet early in the morning, craft groups, book clubs and various service organisations. I see BB has released a booklet  about loneliness. Go to the home page and scroll down to Latest News at the bottom of the page. The third column under this heading has a link to the booklet. It is called Connections Matter and is mainly for older people but you may well find some of the suggestions useful. BB will send you a copy or you can download it to your computer.

Other activities that may interest you are meditation and yoga groups, perhaps visiting older people in retirement homes at the weekend. These folk love talking about their lives and have such interesting stories. What about the local pet refuge if you like animals? Have a good look round and see what your area offers.

I look forward to hearing from you again.

Mary

[aap]

Thanks White Rose

Everything you say makes sense but when you are caught up in the moment it is hard to think clearly.

I forgot to mention that I suffer from very bad insomnia and sometimes I am so exhausted from lack of sleep that I get myself into a state.

i do belong to a book club and I do enjoy it, it is a good outlet.

I started a TAFE course for a new job last year, it is two years part time and I am a quarter of the way through. With all the increases in TAFE fees this year I don't think I can afford to continue it! I have also realized there are not a lot of jobs in the field, but at the time I just needed to do something so I enrolled.With the help of my counsellor I have tried to desensitize myself from all the things that are happening at work, I am making progress with that but as a result have lost the passion for my job.

 I would like to be more active in my community but have been looking for the right thing. My counsellor says I just have to try a variety of things until I find the right thing, it is just about making the first step.

My family life growing up was pretty bad and as a result I have invested myself in raising my own family, just need to come to terms with my son leaving home.

My daughter is leaving next year as she is joining the defence forces so that thought is in the back of my mind as well.

I will keep plugging along.

thankyou Mary 

[geoff]

dear Aap, I would like to endorse Mary's comments as well as to welcome you to this site.

There are a few issues here that all add up to how you are feeling, and they are that both your two kids are about to leave home to expand their ventures and careers, which will leave you and your husband at home together, but you are going to grieve over the kids not being there, so you won't be able to bounce issues over with your kids, so this is going to upset you ans make your job feel as though it's not satisfying you.

I have just come out of hospital, but one night nurse said to me that she was exhausted but could never get to sleep, so she went to the chemist and was given a couple of types of medication which didn't need a script, and couldn't do without them, unfortunately I'm not allowed to mention what they are, as this site doesn't permit this to happen.

If your counsellor has been able to help you to desensitize from matters that are concerning you at work, then that's a great effort, plus it will teach you for the future, but I would suggest that look in the net and read about it as much as possible.

It's good to see that you want to do more in the community, but I don't want you to dive in with over exerting yourself, in other words just sit back and have a look at what your options are, ask questions and find out what is involved, and I only say this because if you go in hook line and sinker and it turns out that it doesn't suit you, then you confidence may take a dive, so as they say 'slow as they go'. L Geoff. x

[aap]

Hi Geoff

Thanks for taking the time to read my posts and offer some sound advice based on your experience, it means a lot.

I have spoken to my GP about my sleeping issues this week and we are going to try something new.

I have raised my kids to be independent and while I am happy for them to start new chapters in their lives they were my 'hobby' , so now I have to find something for me.

I really do value your feedback and wish you well also.

Cheers aap x

[White_Rose]

Dear AAP

Lovely to hear from you. Sorry my response has been a bit slow. Had computer troubles all weekend and I have been so frustrated over it. Finally got fixed yesterday evening by which time I was so exhausted by the anxiety that I went to bed.

Great you are trying different options with your sleeping. I went through a period of not sleeping well. My GP suggested I try a small dose of an anti-histamine medication. Wow! One quarter of a tablet knocked me out.

It's good that you have raised your children to be independent. Unfortunately the downside is that they are confident to leave home (smile). I have four children, all grown up, left home, found partners, produced children etc. I have forgotten how to cook a meal for more than myself. But yes, we want it both ways. Kids to leave so there's not so much housework, nagging to clean up their bedrooms and wondering where they are in the evening. Or still wondering where they are and how they are doing but without the mess at home.

When I retired from work I spent time savouring the rest but I needed something to do that satisfied my personal ethos. So look around. Are you interested in your family history? It's a hobby that can be addictive so beware. I have been doing this for a number of years and thoroughly enjoy it. Also community work of some sort such as joining a service club.

I do understand about not being able to think clearly when things go wrong. It's as though your brain has seized up and your body. Frozen in the moment, which is when the panic sets in. I have learned that at times like this we automatically turn to the action we have become used to. The default path. And of course it is the usually the worst choice. In fact it is responsible for getting us into trouble in the first place. It does take time to learn new ways of coping.

Try looking up neuroplasticy on your search engine. Or talk to your psych about it. Not only is it fascinating to learn how the brain can change but more than that it can help you understand the hows and whys to changing your reactions to pain.

Please continue to write in.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello AAP

Have not heard from you for a few days so I thought I would check in with you and ask how you are going. How did you go with your doctor about the insomnia?

If you feel you can respond that would be terrific.

Regards

Mary

[aap]

Hi Mary

I have struggled with sleeping issues for most of my life. My GP has prescribed something mild that sometimes works and sometimes doesn't, he doesn't like to prescribe too much as I am on other medication.

My brain is quite overactive, sometimes when I am watching a movie or TV I will 'miss a bit ' as I am thinking of something else. I have been told to try meditation but to be perfectly honest I don't have the patience to slow my thoughts down. I have always been a person who has done lots of things at once. My job is very busy and I often don't have a break for lunch and so on these work nights I am quite wound up.

I have read your recent post and had a quick look at neuroplasticity then, but maybe I will go back again and have a more detailed look.

Thanks for your advice

aap

[White_Rose]

Hello AAP

Glad to hear from you. Yes it can be hard to slow down your brain's activities once you are working flat out. The point is though, that to get a good night's sleep you need to slow down. There a number of different ways to achive this so it's good to try several and then use what works for you.

One of the most effective techniques does not involve slowing down your thinking, but instead concentrating on a specific topic instead of ranging all over the place. One way to do this is through meditation.

Another way is to read a book in your mind. Decide on a book you have already read and recall it chapter by chapter. No skipping ahead, just remembering the actions as they took place. It requires concnetration and this allows your brain to stop working on the other thoughts and problems. It does require practice so do not give up after the first attempt. If you find you can do this, after a while try meditation. Instead of a book you could recall a film. Same process.

I remember when my children left home. My daughters went to uni and TAFE but lived at home for a couple of years. Then they both moved out to share accommodation with friends and my eldest son went to uni in Ballarat. Three at one time.Two years later my youngest left to go to uni and I had an empty nest.

I found it strange being in an empty house with just my husband. We had not been getting on for a while and a couple of years later I left. Now I live on my own and my children and grandchildren visit me. So I do get your feeling of loss even though you are also happy for your son and daughter.

I agree with your psych. The only way to find out what sort of activities you like is to try a variety. I have always wanted to learn line dancing and found a group that met in the early evening. I was still working then. I really enjoyed it and it gave me a good workout which I also needed. Unfortunately I broke my kneecap and never went back, possible because by then I had become severely depressed.

I have learned to paint which is a good, solitary activity and promotes peace in your quiet place. What about gardening, joining a theatrical group, Forum or Toastmasters. These are good places to make friends and exercise your brain in different directions. Work is not then the sole activity to think about.

Multitasking is a great skill which mothers leanred as soon as they had babies. Not a modern phenomenon. But you can carry it too far. Superwoman you aint.

Write in soon.

Mary

[Chris_B]

Hi AAP,

Hope you're enjoying the forums. In case you haven't had a chance to see it yet, below is a link to the 'Connections Matter' booklet that White Rose mentioned above. While it is targeted at older people, there is a lot of useful general advice in there too, including making an action plan.