The darkness is winning

[Maxmumma]

The darkness is overwhelming, I haven’t had a depression episode in quite a while (years!) and this one has hit quickly and hard. I have had cancer scare this year and the surgery took 6 months to recover from, and I coped through all of that surprisingly well. I fell and broke a toe then fell again and damaged a ligament in my knee - still ok, happy.

But today, the darkness has been with me since I woke at 5:00am and is sucking me down into an abyss. It’s like my very soul is filling with the darkness creating a void, a black hole, a nothingness.

I normally get some warning signs before The darkness takes hold not this time though.

Invisible, worthless, useless, irrelevant, useless, empty, auto pilot, invisible.

Nobody around me notices that I am drowning right in front of them! Tears are ever present, rage bubbles just below the surface, contempt lingers on my lips praying to be released. I sit and chat and nobody realises that the darkness is consuming me right then, that my soul is screaming in agony, and all around are deaf.

I am terrified

[Sophie_M]

Hi Maxmumma,

We are sorry that there has been so much darkness looming over you today. Please know our community is here to help you through this difficult time. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot of hardship this year and it must be very overwhelming to feel like no one around you see's how much you’re struggling. For our community to best support you it can be helpful to hear how you’ve managed this darkness previously, what has helped (or hasn’t helped) you cope during these times?
 
Please know that our Support Service is also always here to listen if you’d like to talk these feelings through. Our professional mental health counsellors can be reached 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or on email and Webchat (3pm-12am AEST) through our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  
 
You’re not alone here Maxmumma, feel free to check back in when you feel up to it.
 

[Not_Batman]

Hi maxmumma.

a feeling i know all too well. When your mind begins to betray you it is a hard thing to cope with.

i am sorry to hear that you have had a health scare, and some knocks. These can play on our mind as though we could have done something different.

how did you sleep last night? I usually wake up around 515am, and just doze for 45mins before getting up. If ive had a terrible sleep then my mind keeps playing the intrusive thoughts. Sleep is important for the mind and body.

i often visualise the ‘darkness’ as being a rabbit hole of sorts, and im scrambling to get to the top. Some days im reaching for the lip, somedays i have my arms out, some days im all the way out of the hole.

Have you reached out to anyone To talk about about how You are feeling? Talking about it is not shameful at all, There should be no stigma attached to it. I used to think that if i did talk about it, people would judge me.

Do you practice any mindfulness or meditation?

its ok to be terrified, we are here for you.

Not_Batman

[yggdrasil]

Hi Maxmumma and thanks for sharing your situation on here. You've expressed what acute depression feels like really well I think. It's a horrifying experience, and it's so invisible to others at times. Have you ever tried expressing it artistictly? I wonder if that's a way to express rage, contempt and agony in a way other people can more easily access? Are there any other strategies you like that have worked in the past? Anything that acts as a circuit breaker and stops the feedback loop? I do a lot of exercise and I find that works but I'm not sure if that's an option for you? If your knee and toe are injured maybe some light weights? There are also machines at most gyms that are like bike pedals but for your hands. For me, whatever gets the body moving even just a tiny, tiny little bit can start to break the cycle. When things are really bad for me I struggle to even make my body move enough to get me out of bed. Slowly lifting my arms up and down can start to get things moving again. Also as Sophie says don't be afraid to call the BeyondBlue chat line. I find it helpful everytime I call them. There are also support groups available for anxiety and depression, such as ADAVIC and ARCVic - they're running on Zoom at the moment but hopefully should be starting up in person. Those places have been really helpful to me, because I feel like people immediately understand the intense emotions you're describing, they've experienced them themselves and have in built empathy, and I suspect as a result there's a lot of subtle non verbal communication that helps you feel heard and understood, that it can sometimes be hard to get from peers or professionals who've never experienced the kind of pain you've described (although support groups are of course a complement not a substitute for professional help IMHO.)