I feel lost and alone.

[_Nik_]

Hey,

It's been a while since I have been on these forums, and I thought after all the help I received last year and at the beginning of this year, that I wouldn't need to be back.

But...

I've almost lost everyone in my life. Not physically, no. But all my friends and all the people that supported me through my darkest times are slowly slipping away from me. And now I feel like I am having another low in life, but there's no-one to talk to, no-one to help me.

I feel like I'm asking too much of them anyway. No-one needs me weighing on their conscience. And I... I do have people still here. A couple friends here and there, and when I ask them for help they give it. But it never makes me feel any better.

I feel so lost, and that I'm slowly receding further and further back into the darkness, back into my old, isolating habits. I want to be happy, get back all the time that I missed wishing I wasn't here.

And now that I don't wish that of myself anymore, I just wish I could be happy, like I didn't have to feel all these random sadness anymore. There shouldn't be this much to be sad about. But I don't know why I feel like this.

I should be happy. I should be grateful.

But all I do is find myself feeling so alone and lost, and scrolling through the internet, for something to make me feel something. To not feel so angry all the time. To not feel so sad for no reason.

I've been taking medication to help me sleep for a month now. I don't know if it's got anything to do with that, because I don't exactly remember how I felt beforehand (since days right now feel like they are mixed into one, as I am at home all the time now), but I feel like ever since I started taking that, these feelings have gotten more random, if that makes sense.

Perhaps I'm making that up, after all, I don't remember how I felt beforehand, and if that was any different to the way I feel now.

I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

- Nik

[Sophie_M]

Hey Nik,

Thank you so much for reaching back out to our friendly community here. It takes a lot of courage to be so open and honest with your feelings, and we are really sorry to hear that you're feeling so lost and lonely. We can hear that you're wanting to find some happiness, and we hope that joining us back in this safe and non-judgemental space, and words from our wonderful and supportive community can help you during this tough time.

If you feel up to it, we'd also really encourage you to reach out to our friends at Kids Helpline. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under, and are available 24/7 on 1800 55 1800 or through online chat here: https://kidshelpline.com.au/  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals to help you through this difficult time. You're also always welcome to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

We hope that you find some comfort and support in the words of wisdom and kindness that our community can offer. You're not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.

[_Nik_]

Hey,

thanks for the advice, but aren't those helplines for people who really need the help? I mean, I'm sad and feeling hopeless, but I don't think my situation is bad enough to go and bother those places for help. There are plenty of other people whose situations are worse than mine, and if I bother someone through and online chat, I'm taking up a space that could be better suited and needed for somebody else.

- Nik

[Sophie_M]

Hey Nik,

These helplines are there for absolutely everyone to reach out to- there's no problem too big or too small. The kind counsellors are always there to help offer advice and support, especially when you're feeling sad or hopeless. We'd really urge you to reach out to them, as you are important and deserving of support. 

Our community are also here for you to help talk through these feelings, and we're sure many will relate to how you've been feeling. We're all here for you, Nik.

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Sometimes I'm just scared that someone might need that spot more than I do, or, in other words, someone might need that help more than I do.

Perhaps I'll check it out. I'm not sure.

- Nik

[yggdrasil]

Thanks for sharing that Nik. I relate to everything you've said. Managing friendships and other relationships when you have chronic depression/disthymia is extremely challenging. I facilited anxiety/depression support groups for four years and it was a topic that came up frequently. It's so hard. Based on the discussions people had in my group it's difficult because freinds etc generally want to be supportive, but most people aren't used to dealing with chronically depressed people and don't know what to do when the person doesn't get better. They feel frustrated and confused, and also embarassed that they've over committed how much support they're actually able to give. It's also frustrating because the mental health messaging the public receives encourages everyone to be open and talk about everything, but if you're chronically depressed, talking too much about it with freinds colleages sometimes risks straining relationships, because a few short talks rarely solves anything. So my personal perspective is a bit different to what others might give you. While it's absolutely fine (IMHO essential) to talk about how bad you're feeling, if you're worried about becoming isolated from freinds or colleagues consider limiting these discussions to professionals. E.g. if you're not seeing a psych, consider seeing one. You can speak to your GP about a mental health care plan to get some free sessions with a psych or social worker of your choice. I also understand how you feel about calling helplines and feeling worried about taking up places. I call BeyondBlue and Lifeline and other services all the time when I get bad, and I feel that guilt everytime. I would just encourage you to try and push through those feelings as best you can and make a call, and you can talk about feeling worried about taking a place etc with the person who picks up. That's what I do basically every time, and they always give me another way to look at it. Finally, I'll say that while we all need to feel well enough to get on with our lives, and it's absolutely great to strive for happiness, I think there's also much more to life than feeling good - if that makes sense. I would try also focusing on doing what you think are meaningful or good things to do. People who suffer from depression can do great things in the world.

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Thank you for your reply,

What you said makes a lot of sense, and I wish so much that I could stop talking about these things to my friends and the people I believe care about me, but my brain sometimes just blurts out things it doesn't mean to (which, and I'm not entirely sure, may have something to do with me being autistic). Sometimes I feel like I try to hard in friendships to keep them, and that's what drives people away.

I don't exactly understand what caused the loss of a lot of friendships. I keep trying to figure out what I've done wrong.

These feelings of sadness and lonliness happen in waves at the moment. One moment I'm fine, and the next some event or sometimes it's random makes me feel really sad, and that's when I start thinking about the lost friendships and all the bad stuff that's happened. And of course, I'll blame it on myself. And then the feelings of sadness and loneliness may suddenly go away, but they'll always come back. A year ago, when all the bad mental stuff happened to me, these were my feelings of depression, except all the time, and now slowly and slowly they are coming back, more frequently, and I feel stupid because they're shouldn't be anything to be sad about. Yet, I know that depression doesn't work that way. If that makes sense.

- Nik