Stuck in my own horrible head

[Kittyg]

Hi there,  

I am desperately hoping I can find someone who has suffered in the same way I do or can offer some advice. It’s a really hard thing to describe but I will try my best:

I have a problem of constant negative and depressive thoughts. I have a great life, a good job, beautiful family and a great boyfriend, but can’t stop my conscious thoughts going around & around. They aren’t really centered around anything in particular, but I seem to have gotten into the habit of constantly being aware of my negative thoughts kind of thing. Like I can’t stop my mind thinking or searching for something negative. For instance if I am outside going for a peaceful walk I will think negatively, if I am at work I think negatively. As soon as a I find myself even coming close to enjoying myself, my mind ticks back to searching for something negative. I suppose the only real basis of my thoughts is “what is happiness, are you feeling happy right now? What is the point anyway?”. I used to love working out but now I struggle to even go to the gym because it allows too much time in my own head. I would rather be in bed reading or watch a movie because at least then I can find some escape….   It’s such a hard thing to describe and I don’t think I am doing a very good job at it, but it’s like I have lost the capability to just let my mind just drift off into a day dream, experience happiness on its own or ever just relax . I am always consciously fighting with my own mind. It’s sooo exhausting and most days I can’t wait to get to sleep so I can finally let my mind go. When I wake up I automatically welcome the negativity and fighting back in. Some days if I really let it get to me I get really really depressed and even suicide thoughts sneak in. I would never actually do that, but sometimes I think it would just be easier...  

I have seen a psychologist who didn’t do much at all except tell me to practice mindfulness. I have been trying, and meditation seems to work when I am actually in the process of doing it, but as soon as I’m finished my usual racing negative thoughts begin again. It really is the most frustrating habit I have gotten myself into and I seriously have no idea how to allow myself to let it go. I have read up about how you should accept the thoughts and let them go n all that, but so far it just isn’t helping.

I wish I could go back to before all these messed up thought patterns and be the happy careful girl I used to be :'(

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[Lily_28_]

Yes Jacko777, I do see a psychologist and have for almost 4years now, I am also now being referred onto a psychologist.

when I feel in desperate need of help I also chat to a counsellor on here. I don't know, everything just seems to be a blur at the moment.

[Jacko777]

Hang in there Lily28, often it is 3 steps forward 2 steps back, but you are still making the steps and getting closer to greater happiness and calmness. Some times will be a blur, I try and take some satisfaction from knowing I am on the path, headed in the right direction.

I am glad you connect with people on the BB phone service, don't hesitate, nip it in the bud early. Perhaps you can think of things they have suggested that have worked for you in the past.

[Kittyg]

Hi everyone, Sorry on late reply. There are a lot of replies so I guess I will just chat about how I am going.

I'm not seeing too much improvement yet. I have made the decision to start anti depressant medication only because I have been offered a new type that works mainly on melatonin and doesn't give you the side effects. It also has no withdrawal effects so I can stop it when I like. That is what scared me about starting any sort of medication. I have been on it for about 3 weeks with no improvement which is a bit upsetting as with this new one you are supposed to start feeling it from 1-2 weeks. I will stick at it for a little longer...

I haven't been to see a new psychologist yet. I only have 4 Medicare visits left before I have to pay the full amount which I can’t afford. I am also tired/exhausted of trying to explain myself and getting no where. I’m also about to go on a big trip to American and Canada in June where I may stay for a year or so so I don’t know if there is much point seeing a new  psychologist for 4 visits before I go away…

The same thoughts consume me of negative thinking, what is life, what is the point, what is happiness. Some days may be slightly better than others but in the end I always end up back in my own mind. It also upsets me that I actually have a great life and this hasn’t come about because I have gone through something traumatic or upsetting… I just do it to myself I guess? All the things I used to get excited about I can’t anymore and that really really scares me. I am even finding it hard to get excited for this big trip to America and Canada I have planned…

There is also one other symptom I get from time to time: I sometimes become a bit light headed and feel myself being really detached from what is going on around me. I think they call it derealisation, or something a lot like this anyway. When it happens I feel really really down like there is something wrong with my brain. It’s a hard thing to explain, but I just haven’t felt myself for quite some time. I yearn to forget this negative mindset I am in and enjoy the simple things in life again. I struggle to even go for a walk around the block because it allows me to have too much time in my own head… it’s a really scary place to be.

One last thing would be to ask what your thoughts are on naturopathy? I have considered taking an alternative route as I really just don’t feel like “me” and any doctors I see really don’t do a lot to help that

[Chris_B]

Hi Kittyg,

Good to see you back. Just picking up on your point about derealisation (or dissociation), there are a few threads on this if you would like to speak to others about these symptoms in more depth in addition to your own thread:

Has anyone experienced disassociation?

Is anyone experiencing my anxiety symptoms?

I don't know what's wrong with me

Not sure where to turn

With regard to naturopathy, the evidence for the effectiveness of alternative treatments does vary greatly. I'd recommend to start with that you look at our resources A guide to what works for depression and A guide to what works for anxiety, they're both quite comprehensive and evaluate all available types of treatments based on the evidence.