Stuck in my own horrible head

[Kittyg]

Hi there,  

I am desperately hoping I can find someone who has suffered in the same way I do or can offer some advice. It’s a really hard thing to describe but I will try my best:

I have a problem of constant negative and depressive thoughts. I have a great life, a good job, beautiful family and a great boyfriend, but can’t stop my conscious thoughts going around & around. They aren’t really centered around anything in particular, but I seem to have gotten into the habit of constantly being aware of my negative thoughts kind of thing. Like I can’t stop my mind thinking or searching for something negative. For instance if I am outside going for a peaceful walk I will think negatively, if I am at work I think negatively. As soon as a I find myself even coming close to enjoying myself, my mind ticks back to searching for something negative. I suppose the only real basis of my thoughts is “what is happiness, are you feeling happy right now? What is the point anyway?”. I used to love working out but now I struggle to even go to the gym because it allows too much time in my own head. I would rather be in bed reading or watch a movie because at least then I can find some escape….   It’s such a hard thing to describe and I don’t think I am doing a very good job at it, but it’s like I have lost the capability to just let my mind just drift off into a day dream, experience happiness on its own or ever just relax . I am always consciously fighting with my own mind. It’s sooo exhausting and most days I can’t wait to get to sleep so I can finally let my mind go. When I wake up I automatically welcome the negativity and fighting back in. Some days if I really let it get to me I get really really depressed and even suicide thoughts sneak in. I would never actually do that, but sometimes I think it would just be easier...  

I have seen a psychologist who didn’t do much at all except tell me to practice mindfulness. I have been trying, and meditation seems to work when I am actually in the process of doing it, but as soon as I’m finished my usual racing negative thoughts begin again. It really is the most frustrating habit I have gotten myself into and I seriously have no idea how to allow myself to let it go. I have read up about how you should accept the thoughts and let them go n all that, but so far it just isn’t helping.

I wish I could go back to before all these messed up thought patterns and be the happy careful girl I used to be :'(

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[Kittyg]

Yes Cymru the depression really does consume us. It’s definitely not as easy as choosing to “cheer up” and be happy with your life. I only have 4 psych visits left on my Medicare plan for this year – do you think it is worth trying a new pysch doctor for 4 sessions? I don’t think I will go back to the other one I really felt no progress with him what so ever, in fact I may have felt worse. I never felt any empathy from him. If I ever broke down in tears he would just stare at me. I never felt any sense of hope or “it’s going to be ok” from him…. I am like you, I find it really hard to talk and explain myself to a counsellor or to anyone for that matter. The books I have been reading in bed lately are self-help ones but I haven’t really gotten into them enough yet. The other book I read was “Make peace with your plate” which was an insight look into health and nutrition…etc. If reading is a slight escape for me then maybe I should do more of it. I just wish for the rest of the day I could escape the depression 😞

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hi Kittyg,

Please excuse the lateness of this reply. Hope you had a good Easter.

Am sorry to hear you are suffering with this very painful and distressing condition. I hope it is of some comfort to you, to know that others, including myself, have experienced much the same.

There is, in fact, a book written by Matthew McKay, Ph.D. and Patrick Fanning called "Self-Esteem" (3rd edition, New Harbinger Publications, ISBN: 1572241985) which, I believe, directly addresses the problem. The book is like a concise, self help  manual for achieving and maintaining a healthy self-esteem. The first few chapters deal with the "Pathological Critic", the name given to the negative voice in your mind that beats you up all the time. We all have one but some people's are particularly damaging..

The book describes the "Pathological Critic", delves into why it exists and then explores ways of fighting back and disarming it. Best of all, you can empower yourself by learning how to deal with negative thinking and not be at its mercy.

The rest of the book deals with other methods of safe guarding and nurturing your self-esteem.

I don't know if this is a total solution for you, counseling may suit as well but I really believe the book could be of considerable benefit. It was to me! I couldn't put it down.

Wishing you all the best with it and please feel free to reply if need be.

TMB

[Jacko777]

Hi KittyG,

I am glad you have responded. Your old doctor sounds crap, i wouldn't go back however stay on your journey, keep looking for a doctor that does help. And I agree with you, read more, meditate more. Make this journey your new passion, learn all you can about your self and your recovery.

When did this start KittyG? 

I was sitting on the porch one day KittyG, looking at the garden. I had suffered from years of grief over losing a loved one. I could look at the garden with sadness as usual or, I could look with love. It was a tiny change in focus, no one else would notice, to shift from fear to love. This was my realisation...it was MY choice to focus on the positive, I made my self responsible for making the choice that is not always easier, but it is always better, great. Practice is the secret hidden key!

I went through a phase of much meditation and now not so much. I had great experiences and realisations (which we can talk more about later if you want) and just like most people I found it a bit tedious at first. These days I will do a little relaxation meditation first to calm down and then I try to focus on my breath, starting with slow breaths. Research different methods yourself, I found that once I was on the journey the path reveals itself!

Love to you, keep us posted. You have created lots of lovely thoughts with your thread.

[Cymru]

With regard counselling; it is not possible in a post to advise what to do. That is your decision. I think the last time I broke down when talking to my GP, she handed a tissue. My psychiatrist is kind, but sometimes pushes me. I dislike going to see counsellors. I persist because I work in human services and its what I'd advise a client. It is hard work and no magical answer. Except, consistent research show it does work, and in fact can be magical. Perhaps next time you cry, ask, nay demand to know why they are just sitting there when you're visably upset . Back to books. Interesting. I too read self help books at times. Although, the most helpful book (and my favourite novel ever) is a quirky sci fi called Midshipman's Hope by David Feintuch. It is fantastically written and has this strong father son theme. Those who had problematic relationships with their fathers seem to like it. But my younger son likes it? Another favourite biography is Khassan Baiev  The Oath about a Russian surgeon in a war.  This quote is from the book "I closed the window and sat down. I pick up a newspaper and tried to read; the words blurred. And nothing made sense. I grabbed book, skimmed the pages but understood nothing. The minutes ticked by. It was 3 A. M. And I felt desperately alone." I felt that the best depiction of depression I have read. Anyway, I'm not suggesting you read my books, but that you utilise your strength (reading) and explore some  things you like. With gym; I find it hard to go. Sometimes I spend less than 20 min. I guess I at least went. If you have a bike,maybe you could cheat and cycle to the gym. Or go and have a coffee (tea is better, sadly) and read a book. Your desire to get away from depression is understandable ... That is what it can feel like. Thanks for letting me write here. Pondering what to say to you helps me. Any recipe that amused in the nutrition book? 

[Lily_28_]

After reading your thread, I know it sounds not fantastic, but for me it is comforting knowing that I am not the only one who feels like this, obviously what each of us feels is different in some way, but I find some sort of comfort knowing I am not alone in this, even though the majority of the time I feel nothing but alone even though I am surrounded by many who love and support me.

For me, I lost my best friend suddenly and things have never been the same since. Today marks 18months since her death and I think about her each and everyday. I miss her more than anything. I feel guilty for feeling such depression and anxiety as she lost her life at a young age and will never get to experience marriage, children etc like most of us one day will. I was suffering with these conditions before she passed, for about 3 years in which she never stopped supporting me, and out of everyone I know (including my loving partner) she actually understood my pain and was able to help me in ways no one else ever could. I know it is selfish to say, but I feel like I have no one now who I can discuss my crap with as they will never understand it like she did.

Every single day I struggle, I struggle to even get out of bed for the day. I wake up and an instant rush of anxiety and depression washes over me like a tidal wave and all I want to do is go back to sleep and not feel anything. Funnily enough, work is my distraction, but when it comes to university and studying, this is my downfall. I am even at the point where I think that my life would be so much less pain if I simply were not here anymore, but what keeps me going is my family and especially my partner, I want to share my life with him for I love him more than anything, but in the overshadow of my mind is always the self doubt and pain that consumes me daily. I always wonder will this ever get better?

The worst part of all is how my partner struggles to understand my condition- he has read factsheets on this site and has tried to research, but still says he will never understand how people can 'choose' to be so unhappy. Don't get me wrong, the way I have worded that makes it sound like he is being awful about it, but completely the opposite. He will drop everything to be by my side in need and all he wants is for me to be happy in life and be in the moment etc and not have to worry.

I just wish there was a magic fix or cure, I don't want to feel like this anymore but feel as though it will never go away

[Jacko777]

Hi Lily-28,

I have much hope that you can make this better, the fix WILL be magic.

I have also greatly missed lost loved ones, I know it hurts a lot. What changed my view and improved my life was this...would my loved one want to see me grieve like this for so long? Would they want me to suffer because of them and their passing, we all know the answer...of course not. So, time has passed and I now choose to think of them with love, not missing them. I even imagine that if I miss them I am drawing on their cosmic energy, if I think of them with love I send them energy, i would hate to draw on their energy.

Your best friend is in your heart forever Lily28, part of her lives on in you, I would honor and cherish that part. You could practice loving her, not missing her. 

Jacko

[Lily_28_]

I really do hope I find that fix soon, otherwise it is going to continue to contribute to my downfall; I appreciate your help from the bottom of my heart and thankyou so ever kindly. I see what you are saying, for some days I hear a song and smile knowing I had a memory of us when we were kids in the 90s and early 2000s listening to our favourite song on the radio and ringing the other on the good old home phone and putting the phone up to our 'cd/radio boombox' lol and listening to it together over the phone or some memory like that. Then, there are other times when it just saddens me, and I never know which one will come, the happiness or the unbearable sadness that overwhelms me.

[Jacko777]

You have these lovely memories Lily28, I know you will cherish them. At times it might help to practice thankfulness, be thankful that you had the opportunity to be friends at all, even though it was sadly cut short. Be thankful for what you did experience.

Have you been to a counsellor or such? A fresh plan could be very useful to you right now. Thanks for your kind words.

I wonder, how are you Kittyg?

[Dette]

Your post sounds so familiar to me, that ongoing negative thought pattern; mine includes the question what is happy? the sad answer is I don't know, I'm not really sure I know what it is to really be happy.  Depression seems to add an extra symptom of "do I deserve to feel this way?" and the answer is generally no, although it is hard to trust when you are used to feeling the worst.  I have this horrible memory of asking my Dr if she thought I was Bipolar because I had this "Manic" episode.  Will never forget the pity on her face when she said "No, that's just being happy." 

[Jacko777]

Have you seen the 'New Access' program coming from Beyond Blue, it looks terrific, it has started in a few areas...

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/for-me/newaccess---a-beyondblue-program?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_term=promotedpost&utm_content=post11v2_SA&utm_campaign=newaccess