Stuck in my own horrible head

Kittyg · ‎02-04-2015

Hi there,

I am desperately hoping I can find someone who has suffered in the same way I do or can offer some advice. It’s a really hard thing to describe but I will try my best:

I have a problem of constant negative and depressive thoughts. I have a great life, a good job, beautiful family and a great boyfriend, but can’t stop my conscious thoughts going around & around. They aren’t really centered around anything in particular, but I seem to have gotten into the habit of constantly being aware of my negative thoughts kind of thing. Like I can’t stop my mind thinking or searching for something negative. For instance if I am outside going for a peaceful walk I will think negatively, if I am at work I think negatively. As soon as a I find myself even coming close to enjoying myself, my mind ticks back to searching for something negative. I suppose the only real basis of my thoughts is “what is happiness, are you feeling happy right now? What is the point anyway?”. I used to love working out but now I struggle to even go to the gym because it allows too much time in my own head. I would rather be in bed reading or watch a movie because at least then I can find some escape…. It’s such a hard thing to describe and I don’t think I am doing a very good job at it, but it’s like I have lost the capability to just let my mind just drift off into a day dream, experience happiness on its own or ever just relax . I am always consciously fighting with my own mind. It’s sooo exhausting and most days I can’t wait to get to sleep so I can finally let my mind go. When I wake up I automatically welcome the negativity and fighting back in. Some days if I really let it get to me I get really really depressed and even suicide thoughts sneak in. I would never actually do that, but sometimes I think it would just be easier...

I have seen a psychologist who didn’t do much at all except tell me to practice mindfulness. I have been trying, and meditation seems to work when I am actually in the process of doing it, but as soon as I’m finished my usual racing negative thoughts begin again. It really is the most frustrating habit I have gotten myself into and I seriously have no idea how to allow myself to let it go. I have read up about how you should accept the thoughts and let them go n all that, but so far it just isn’t helping.

I wish I could go back to before all these messed up thought patterns and be the happy careful girl I used to be :'(

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Jacko777 · ‎02-04-2015

I think you have done a very good job of describing a mindset that a lot of people have suffered from, including myself. I think your psychologist is right. Thing is, you might need to practice hard for quite a while. I think of it this way...my negative thinking has been left unchecked for a long time, more than likely it will take a while to get back to complete positivity. It takes lots of daily practice and eventually it can become natural. I take satisfaction from being on the journey, you can't change where you are overnight but you can change the direction you are headed in, overnight.

Take some time out each day to practice gratitude, be thankful for your 'great life'. You WILL be that happy girl again. Love to you.

Jacko

LisaT · ‎02-04-2015

I too dislike being stuck in my own head for too long as the negative thoughts do my head in and like you sometimes those thoughts are suicidal. I find them draining. I try not to spend too much time on my own which seems to help. I am learning to acknowledge the thoughts and then let them pass. You are not alone.

Daisycqt · ‎05-04-2015

Omg! You sounded so much like myself I couldn't believe it. My negative thoughts come from years and years of programming that the only thing is work, work, work! And not paid work like a job, but hard physical work like building walls and laying slabs and digging up trees etc. I've been programmed with that since I was 6 and now the negative thoughs and emotions that crowd over me if I don't do at least something like this each day, cause panic attacks and deep anxiety. It's like I have the two things on the shoulders, one saying I can rest and stop for the day, and the other saying no I cant I must keep going and if I do stop my brain just whirls with a maelstrom of thoughts. It's exhausting, physically tiring and makes me feel sad, emotional and testy. I look fir the sun going down each day because then I can stop with no guilt or worry. Hon I empathise and if I find the answer I will let you know. Big supportive hug

BKYTH · ‎05-04-2015

Meditation and mindfullness take time and effort to be useful. What type of meditation do you practice? If, as you say, it seems to work while you are doing it examine why that is. What is 'working' during that process? I don't think it is enough to just accept your thoughts and then let them go although that is a part of the process of taking back your life and it a very valuable tool. But you also need to examine them and challenge them. They are yours, you create them and you can change them. When you have a thought just don't let it go. If it is a negative thought it will just generate other negative thoughts, and if these thoughts are left unchallenged, they will generate a life of their own and overwhelm you. If you fight your thoughts you are sure to lose because you are fighting against yourself. Your thoughts do not come from outside but from within. Take resposibility for them. - Ask yourself "Why do I have this thought"?. Examine them and find that which is within you that is their source. This will take courage, time and perseverence but you can prevail. I hope you say more on this in further posts as I'd like to know more about your meditation practice, something I have done for many years. I wish you well in your efforts. Philip.

Cymru · ‎06-04-2015

I guess the thing about depression is that it isn't just being sad. It overwhelms us. I would only encourage you to try again with professional help. I personally hate seeing doctors and counsellors as it is confronting and often hard work. In almost all cases it does help things. But you do have to work at it. I note you offer you would rather be in bed reading or watch a movie because at least then I can find some escape. This is something ... you do find an escape. You just need to work this some. And really, reading book in bed isn't so bad. My counsellor regularly tells me to stop beating myself up over things; so I'll repeat that to you about reading in bed. And tell us about the last 3 books that you read.

Kittyg · ‎07-04-2015

Thank you Jacko, I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I am struggling a fare bit at the moment :(I suppose I could try harder with the meditation, at the moment I don't really do it very much.

What are your own experiences with meditation? Do you have a certain type that works well?

Kittyg · ‎07-04-2015

Thank you Lisa. I hope we both can find some relief in the near future

Kittyg · ‎07-04-2015

Thank you Daisy. It is very tiring isnt it. Atleast at the end of the day you seem to be able to find some release or you allow yourself to relax. I find I cannot reach this at any point of the day. Makes me feel sick sometimes 😞

Kittyg · ‎07-04-2015

Thank you for replying BKYTH you sound quite knowledgeable and I appreciate you replying to me. At the moment I have really only dabbled in the body scan mediation and a few other random sleeping ones off you tube - but I wouldn't say I have practiced enough mediation yet. Perhaps you could offer me some insight into what has worked for you?

As for challenging my thoughts I will try... it will be quite hard though as most of the time I am just generally thinking about feeling down. It's quite hard to explain. It's like I am searching for negativity constantly. It's so silly, I can never just be in the moment and enjoy it.

I even have a trip to America planned coming up in June with my boyfriend. I should be really excited, but I get myself down that I am not going to enjoy it because of my own mind.

Any help you offer I would greatly appreciate. I'm creating hell in my own head 😞