Struggling - 10m postpartum

[StitcherMum]

So. Background. I have had depression from aged 13, most seriously in late teens, early 20s. I learned to manage it very effectively with a great selfcare routine and some cognitive behavioural therapy. I had a baby at the end of 2016 and he has been a very easy baby. I actually coped quite well until the last month or so. I get angry/frustrated very easily, insomnia is making it worse, I cry at the slightest hint of everything. I feel awful I get impatient with my son when he won't nap or shrieks his god awful ear splitting squeal, I don't do anything, just internally scream and tense up.

I can feel that my depression is taking over again and that frustrates me too as I know that I have had it under control before. Then I feel bad for whining because sooo many people have it worse and I have everything a person could want.

Frustrated 😕

[white knight]

Hi stitchermum, welcome

Yep, we can have it all, but depression isnt selective..it hits when it wants.

We can lessen the impact if we identify our triggers....if indeed we have triggers, many dont

Google

Topic: triggers that lift you, triggers that down you- beyondblue

Topic: depression triggers- beyondblue

Time out. By merely walking 30 metres away as baby cries then walking back your eyes focus on other things. If you can afford it get more child care and space it out say every third day. In that time chill at a cafe have a coffee and relax. Babies dont die from crying...my doctor told me!

Topic: depression and sensitivity, a connection ?- beyondblue

patience. If you havent got any then dont force yourself.

Topic: supermarket shelves- beyondblue

Balance your life. Get more sleep- sleep is so important.

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

My baby had cholic the first 4 months, it was hell. She married this year. It does get easier.

Im sure you are a good mum

Tony WK

[Blue_Jane]

Hi StitcherMum

Welcome to our forums. We hope you find them useful.

Sounds like you are a great mum. I hear that babies go through different stages of being difficult, as Tony said, it is only temporary.

The great news is that if you have had your depression under control before, you can do it again. Can you do extra things in your selfcare routine? Possible to see a counsellor or psychologist again? What about making time to do something for yourself each day, like walking (with baby or not) to get a coffee or watching a show?

Have you seen your GP recently? If not, might be useful to start there and share how you are feeling, she/he might have some other ideas.

I have my anxiety under control now, something I am very proud of. However in the midst of it the insomnia was what made everything worse and it took a combination of many things to get out of the cycle. I am expecting my first baby in December and a bit worried about the lack of sleep and the impact it is going to have on my mental health. But we will get there!

Blue Jane

[StitcherMum]

Thanks! I had a long talk with my husband about how I am feeling, he has been riding the rollercoaster of my depression with me since we were both 17, he is amazing at supporting me. He helped me talk it all out and unpack it. I think a little bit is being ready to go back to work to give myself some balance.

I have seen my GP and she recommended meditation and sunshine, she also is checking all my vitamin levels and hormones to make sure physically I am fine. I love her. I am always afraid she will just push meds, but she never has so far! The guided meditations I found have helped with the insomnia a lot.

Once I go back to work (January), I will have access to a free psych again and will make sure to check in. I have an online mums group, I never clicked with my in person one, and they were also very kind and supportive.

Thanks for reminding me that if i have done it once, I can do it again! So plan:

1. Organise the house - declutter and tidy. A decluttered space helps to declutter my mind.

2. Ditch the unhelpful people - a few from mums group make me feel inadequate, I don't need to go to catchups anymore.

3. Self care activities - stitching, meditation, yoga, ballet, reading, organising, post on forums.

[StitcherMum]

Thanks! This is very helpful. I had a chat to my husband (see my response to another comment below) and I think we have unpacked a little of what triggered my latest dive. So I am ramping up my selfcare, cutting myself some slack, ditching some unhelpful people and will restart using my mood tracker app to take to my next gp appointment.

[Blue_Jane]

Your husband sounds great! As does your GP. The sunshine is an interesting one - I was told that the sun in the morning is better at resetting our internal clock and clears our mind ready for the day ahead.

Glad to hear the meditation is helping the insomnia. Another tip that sometimes works for me is warm milk with powdered turmeric (from the supermarket), cinnamon and some honey to sweeten it. It calms my nervous system and makes me a bit drowsy.

Your plan sounds ideal. Good luck!

[StitcherMum]

Yep, I am trying to get out at least into the garden, plus my son loves it. My husband has been home for the last few days and I feel pretty good, he will be home most of the next week as well. I started organising the house, feels great to do something productive.

My son is teething and that is really hard this time around but knowing the reason he is fussy helps so much. Just trying to take it one day at a time.

I wish my old GP had recommended meditation! It is gold! A channel on youtube has all lengths and types, including 1 minute! The other day, I was getting overwhelmed, so I put my son in his crib with some toys, walked to the other side of the house, meditated for 5 minutes, return less overwhelmed and could think straight. Whole house was much calmer.

Just makes me a bit sad that this is my life. Constantly readjusting my selfcare routine, making sure I do it ALL the time. But I should be grateful it works for me too.

[MarnieH]

Hi Stitcher,

This is my first post, so be gentle with me!

I had horrendous PND with my second child - I can totally relate to hearing them cry / needing something and just feeling overwhelmed and resentful about it. Just be kind to yourself and know that often it's a chemical imbalance that aids in you feeling this way, it's not being a bad mother or bad person!! Sometimes we all need some help and this might be one of those times.

I'm so glad that self-care and meditation seems to be working for you. Take the time you need, if you need to leave him in the cot for an extra 5 minutes while you get yourself together, that's FINE! Take care of yourself (remember, in the plane they say to affix your mask before putting on a mask for your children). That's because we're no good for our kids unless we're looking after ourselves as well.

Life is life. If your life routine includes constant meditation then you'll be more zen than 99% of people around you 🙂 Just think of all the good karma!

I really hope you continue the regime that works for you. And don't feel bad if you need to reach out to your GP or specialist for more help if you need it. And call BB or PANDA if necessary - I called both when times got really tough for me in that first year and it saved my life.

xx

[StitcherMum]

Thanks Marnie! I am still struggling but having good days mixed with the bad. I have left my son in his cot for 5 minutes or so while I step away, do some breathing exercises and step back in. Still working on the sleep thing, but slowly getting there.

It makes me second guess my desire to do this all again one day. But that is definitely something I will discuss with a psych before I jump into trying to conceive again!

Thank God my son has replaced his high pitched squeal with roaring like a tiger and babble. That noise was just rage inducing.

I am struggling today but I have to learn to cut myself some slack. I felt guilty giving my son his dummy because we try to limit it to bedtime only. I felt like this made me an awful mother. Working on making my internal thought patterns more positive.

Hope everyone is having a good Friday. These forums are really lovely.