Sometimes I'm ok, then I'm just not

[CynthiaAzure]

So I've had depression for years, mixed in with anxiety and an eating disorder (amongst other things). Thats just the general background story. Thing is, I've pushed myself hard to get to the end of my degrees. And I'm done now, thats great.

I'm on medication. Most days I feel fine. I think I don't need psychological help. Then some days, like today, I cry every 10 minutes. It's like a never ending waterfall of tears and sobbing and I cant control it. It's like I just break apart. Then its those times, that I think definitely, I need help.

But how to deal with those insecurities that Im not sick enough to 'deserve' help? I don't want to cause a fuss. Everyone gets sad. Am I just being a weakling? I need to toughen up?

I think I'm just in need of someone to console me perhaps. I don't know. I just feel lost about whether I'll ever get better from this cycle. I'm sick of feeling like this.

[MsPurple]

HI Cynthia. Welcome to the BB forums

I'll want to say you are not alone. And you background is honestly scarily similar to my own. I had EDNOS (now recovered) depression and anxiety. I finished uni and after that I felt happy that I had finished but not yet accomplished as I hadn't landed the same job.

At uni I was always scared I either too not sick enough or too sick and I was concerned they would admit me to hospital or something. I want to say me reaching out and getting help was the best thing I did. And no I wasn't sent to hospital. You will not be causing a fuss by having a concern with your mental health (or any health problem). If someone is concerned they have an illness, for example a mole, they get it checked out and the doctor is glad they did even if it isn't cancerous. They same should be seen with mental health. If you are conserned that your moods maybe a sign of your depression/anxiety flaring up again then why not the support from you doctor and get a professional opinion. It can't hurt. I know it's scary but trust me I strongly advise it.

If you are not comfortable going to your local GP maybe do some research on google (or on the beyond blue website they have a GP checker) of someone interested in mental health in your local area. I didn't have a GP because I could never find one I clicked with. I ended up going to headspace for help. They were great. They got me to see one of their GP for a long consultation (please book a long one or let the receptionist know you are wanting to discuss a mental health plan and they'll know how long to book) and I told them my history. They then referred me to a mental health nurse and other appropriate team members. I still see a psych now and then (I have moved states so need to find a new one) but I feel way better than I did at the start of my journey. I know how to deal with it better and I am getting treated appropirately and not self treating myself.

I hope some of this advise has helped. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to get help. Remember you are not weak. Depression and anxiety is a chemical imbalance of the brain. 1 in 4 have a mental illness so you are not alone. And reaching out on here is a sign of strength. You can't just toughen up and depression would go away, I wish it was that simple. But you are strong and you can get better with the right help and support.

p.s I am dyslexic so sorry for typos

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi CynthiaAzure,

Thanks for your post.

There's kind of a common theme that I've seen a lot on the forums and also in real-life and that is that people need to "deserve help". I'm not entirely sure where it comes from, but there's so many people who feel that they too, need to toughen up, not be weak, and deal with everything on their own.

In my experience, nobody needs to 'deserve' help because everyone is worthy of getting better and feeling better; asking for help is not weak, but instead takes an enormous amount of courage - as it fights the social stigma and basically says "hey, I deserve more." Asking for help is a choice, but it's a choice that you make because you decide that you want to feel better and live a better quality of life with your depression.

I hear that you're struggling but you do not have to do this on your own.

[B2B]

Hi there Cynthia.

I too suffer from the same illness, and that's just the thing, we need to remember that it is an illness. Just like a Diabetic need insulin because there pantries does not work so do we need medication to help our brains function correctly.

May I suggest talking to your Health adviser about how you feel. You may not be on the correct medication. Medication does work but as we are all different we need to find the onw that works for us individually. I know when I take the right med it works miracles for me . There is nothing wrong with asking for help. you have an illness just like any other that is treatable. We are all here for you

xxB2B

[geoff]

hello CynthiaAzure, well done for completing your degrees which must have been such an enormous effort, but now it's over.
Firstly I wonder whether you are still reading your post, I hope so.
You ask a valid question, but when you cry for 10 minutes and unable to stop then a red flag starts flying, meaning that there is definitely something that needs attention, no you're not sick in the stomach, but sickness has a lot of meanings which definitely includes mental illness.
You can't call yourself a weakling, because when someone is suffering from any type of depression you can have good days, days where you can still laugh when in company, but this certainly doesn't mean that everything is OK, and once you feel unstable in how you will react to a situation you need to go and visit your doctor.
Who is to determine whether you deserve to get any help, probably not yourself, but for a doctor to decide. Geoff.

[Shred1106]

Hi Cynthia

I can totally relate ...I feel like sometimes I am in a washing machine - spinning and then on the rinse cycle when all I do is cry. Am on my sixth med now for four days and can already feel the weight piling on.I have anxiety and depression like many others but where I was once fit, lean and healthy I am now a blob finding it extraordinarily hard to exercise for over five minutes.

Well done for completing your studies!

I was initially diagnosed with depression 20 years ago but, this episode which started several months ago is different - I have anxiety and panic thrown in for good measure.

So, what's helping, I don't know. Perhaps it's the four key friends who have taken it upon themselves to kind of do a roster of being in touch with me in some way, shape or form.Or my GP who has gone above and beyond or my psychologist..

And then sometimes I don't know if it is helping..because I break down again

Today is ok...those four friends know that if they ask they will get ok,alright or bad in response to asking how I am doing.Now that's the hardest thing for me because I was always told to say you are good and doing fine...And now I am always apologising to them for saying the above.

The thing is..sticking in there is a mountain.But, guides are available and know you are not alone..

I am sick of being like this too, but,by reaching out we can get help in some way shape or form..

Hang in there!