One step forward, two steps back?

[patchie]

Posted before on doubts & first psych app, eager for change! Psych app #5 is this Wed and I'm fighting the urge to cave and cancel! God I just want to never go back...

I lost motivation. Followed my psych's advice on looking for meditation apps + diffusion techniques. Started draw vent art. Had a spark to draw for fun but lost it again. My own projects and ideas are collecting dust.

I fallen back into destructive ways to cope. There's a constant weight on chest and I know too well both my depression and anxiety are winning.

I nearly cried at Workskils the other week while I was doing job searches as the constant reminder I'm unemployed hurts. Got asked about my backup plan and couldn't answer the lady (Always wanted to do art/graphic design - uni for 4 yrs, interned for 3yrs, started freelancing - Got replaced at interning, client cancelled projects, keep getting rejected by jobs). She said I have to do a group session next week and I'm freaking out. Asked why I was seeing a psych and what I'm diagnosed with and I felt ashamed. She said "we all suffer sometimes" which I know she was trying to be comforting but it's just more evidence I'm weak.

My family ended up in a domestic abuse situation and even though I don't live at home I always end up involved. Long story short my mum decided to stay. Because I'm already struggling, and upset with what had happened I wanted to step back. But now I've just ended up in a mess because Mum keeps saying I've abandoned her and being a bad influence to my sister. My anxiety is through the roof thinking of my Nana's and sister's birthday and Xmas around the corner... And I'm usually so close with my family so it's hard.

I'm struggling with my friends 'cause of anxiety and feel like I'm losing everyone and being replaced because I'm not like how I used to be...

I feel like I've used up all my allocated time to be broken? But everything feels worse and its winning... My psych said that I've had to deal with a lot lately and it's understandable that I finally broke. My self image is so bad though that I can't find the motivation to fight for myself... I don't deserve it. I'm so frustrated that I can't just pretend it's fine anymore... I can't find the girl that hid everything for yrs and kept going. What's the point of being me when I'm so broken? I don't bring anything of value to anyone anymore, I'm nothing special. So much bad outweighs the good this year alone that it just feels like "what's the point anymore?"

[white knight]

Hi patchie welcome

Those of us that suffer anxiety and/or depression live on the extremes. We are no different to others without these Illnesses except worse so.

Hence its not such a bad thing to allow yourself some grace. Eg allow yourself some slack, attend Xmas events in your terms when you want to for how long you want...not do things through expectations to make others happy.

Its likely others wont understand. Google. Topic: they won't understand, why?- beyondblue

You are having fingers pointed at you for not supporting your mother yet nobody is supporting you during this serious mental health period.

To tackle your anxiety (which should be a top priority) look in new posts "Anxiety, plan your future". I wrote that today and it might help.

You deserve " me time". Birthdays that are around the corner send a gift. Crawling into a cave so to speak, to regather yourself isn't such a bad idea. But you can do that but remain positive that thus act has a future ideal...that you'll come out OK and be back on track

When we are down its so common to feel we won't recover. You will. Have faith and take precautions against those that are demanding.

We are here if you ever desire to post again. Feel free.

Tony WK

[B2B]

Hi one step forward.

Well done for taking a step and reaching out. first of all let me begin by saying you are not week, but quite the opposite you are strong. Anxiety and depression are difficult to live with so the fact that you are reaching out and living is a sign that you are so much stronger then you think.

I recently had a re laps of A and D due to massive changes in my life and I to put all my creative projects on hold. I'm a part time florets and for the last few weeks I didn't even want to look at a flower. I just could not get motivated. So I just let it go. Focussed on day to day living and breathing and didn't think about it. Low and behold I went out today and bought my first lot of flowers today that I have in weeks.

See we as humans put way to much pressure on our selves to constantly be pro active, but the truth is sometimes we just cant be bothered and that's ok because eventually we will be again.

As for your psych maybe you should see about getting a new on or try another form of therapy. I know stranded therapy does not work for me so I get Hypnoses done to relax me and help me deal with life atm.

I'm sure you will find your feet just don't be so hard on yourself

Cheers B2B