Depression episodes

[ScarlettR]

So I've been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, depression and anxiety. I don't suffer from schizophrenia symptoms at all as I'm on really good medication for it.

The issue is being depressed and anxious, and it's more an emotional thing than a psychotic thing.

I have a pretty bad family life - my sister is autistic and prone to screaming tantrums and verbally attacking all of us. My dad gets bitter and short with us, especially me (I don't know why), for no good reason. The only level headed, somewhat kind person in the household is my mum, and she can be pretty spiteful at times.

Most days of the week, I feel fine. Then sometimes, usually in the evening, I get anxiety attacks and very bad feelings of being alone and lost. My heart races, my forehead perspires, I'm gasping for air - also feeling very sad and hopeless and unwanted. I try not to feel suicidal (I'm afraid of death) but I feel so hopeless that no one loves or wants me.

It's bad enough I don't even confide in my sister, who is closest in age to me, and my parents are always sticking up for her when we quarrel.

I also think about and have flashbacks of my high school past, although I'm 28 now. I think about how most of the kids there treated me, ostracising me, or if they knew I existed, they would bully and make fun of me. I had a very lonely time, and had no one to talk to.

So now my life quality has improved a lot, but I still think about those and get agitated, angry and upset. It doesn't help with my current situation at home. I have considered moving out but I can't find a job that would support me. So for the moment, I'm stuck at home with the fam.

[james1]

Hey Scarlett,

Oh wow you've not had the best upbringing and it sounds like that's continuing even now.

I'm 24 (turning 25 next week!) and I've been diagnosed with depression as well as symptoms of borderline personality disorder. Like you, I've also had a pretty rubbish home and it got to the point where my psychologist just said I needed to limit time at home so I totally understand what you mean by feeling stuck at home with the family.

For me, I'm about to move out and I'm really hoping the situation improves. My mood really tanks every time I enter the house at the moment. Can I ask if you have any friends who maybe you could move out with so the rent would be cheaper? Maybe a good place to start is to try and give yourself structure in the middle of the day, and for this to be outside of home so you can have a breather away from the family. You mentioned you can't find a job that would support you - are you working or studying at the moment?

James

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ScarlettR,

Thank you for posting and sharing with us what's going on for you.

I hope that writing this out has helped a little; there's always people here on the forums who will listen to what you have to say. Is there anything that can help you to feel better when you're getting anxiety attacks and bad feelings of being lost?

I know for me there was a few years after high school where I wasn't able to find stable work and move out either; and I lived in a difficult home. For me I often used to go for a drive so that I could be away, spend a lot of time with friends and generally find activities or things to do where I didn't have to be at home (for me that was the library). Maybe this is something that you can do as well? Do you have people around that you feel comfortable talking to about this like friends or extended family?

I think that it can help to remind yourself of the fact that the situation you are in is temporary. Your sister may always be prone to tantrums and your dad may always have moments where he is short; but you may be in a place where you can have a place of your own. Things can change so quickly.

As for jobs; what sort of work are you looking for? Is it possible that you could study or do some volunteer work to help get your foot in the door?

Feel free to reach out again or just to talk if you need.

[Nikkir]

Hi ScarlettR,

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your life, it is not easy. It sure sounds like you have been through alot and over a long period of time. It sounds like your living conditions are very stressful and have been for some time and yet somehow you have managed to keep going and somehow improve your quality of life, so that is amazing:) It is hard to live with someone who has some issues and I think it effects the balance of the whole family, but its hard because the person needs support, a difficult situation for all it sounds like. It would be good if you could work towards moving out if thats what you want. Maybe not today or next week but write down a goal and then the steps you would need to take to get there. I am glad that you are feeling better although the loneliness and flashbacks would be very hard to deal with and I really feel for you x. I don't know how you deal with that, there are all sorts of therapies, maybe you could get a referral from you GP and get some support and strategies? I have "smiling minds' app for mindfulness and improving my thoughts and I put that on when I am stressed or go for a walk. People keep telling me, "its only a thought, they are not real, just watch them float away in a cloud or down a stream and maybe label them. " Some form of mindfulness and CBT therapy which is effective about being in the present moment and knowing you are ok right now !!! I guess its hard when you are not feeling good about yourself but I have found "rick hanson" very helpful. He does this excercise where you take in the good into your memory for 30 seconds I think and it can change your neural pathway so you can end up naturally feeling more positive and not defaulting to negative. That is the theory anyway:) Please let us know if you can and you can reach out anytime or call us on 1300 22 4636. We would love to know how you are going and you are not alone. Best Wishes Nikkr x

[ScarlettR]

james1: Thanks for your input! I don't have many friends, but I consider moving out with my sister and we share paying the rent.

romantic_thi3f: yes, I do have some strategies when I'm dealing with these episodes. One, I go watch TV, like news, comedy sitcoms, talk shows, game shows - a mix of Australian and USA shows. Also while I like to rest in bed while I watch it and get as comfortable as possible.

I have some friends who I confide my feelings in, and they are very kind and attentive. I like to go out, usually around 10am in the morning, to the city and explore. Where I live (Melbourne) there are a lot of free stuff to do for a student like me, such as the museum and Australian Centre of Moving Image. It took me a while to appreciate the smaller things in life, and fortunately I do very well when I'm out.

With jobs, I'm thinking of work in business or public relations. I have two diplomas in Business and Public Relations). Otherwise, I'm happy to do work at McDonalds or Hungry Jacks, or for a law firm, or supermarkets like Coles. I had been studying full time at RMIT and may continue to do an Advanced Diploma of Business (Public Relations) next year, which will be full time.

Nikkir: wow, thinking of good memories for 30 seconds straight sounds really aspiring and positive! Thanks for your suggestions. I have an iPad so I can definitely try those apps.

Thanks guys 🙂

[geoff]

hi Scarlett, there's not much more I can say from what the wonderful people above have said, the only couple of points I would like to add is that remembering back to your past days which weren't so good is that you are suffering from PTSD but a doctor would have to make this diagnosis so that a psychologist can help you overcome this.
What we tend to do is when something at the present time and we are going through a tough time it automatically makes us remember back to all those past times which weren't good for us, there maybe no connection between the two events, but we make it to be.
If you are on centrelink payments then you can get bond money from the government, plus you can claim rent assistance which would make it much easier for you and your sister to move out. Geoff.

[pipsy]

Hi ScarlettR. From where I'm sitting you seem to be the one carrying the family. You have an autistic sister which makes life difficult as people who have autism often can't tell you how they feel. Your dad is angry because he can't 'fix' your sister. Father's being considered the 'head' of the family were taught as boys that they are meant to provide for and protect their family. Your sisters autism can't be 'fixed' or cured, dad is obviously frustrated and appears to be taking it out on you. Your father is human and needs to 'vent', unfortunately, he appears to be lashing out at you as your mum is worn out. You are worn out, tired and depressed. It also sounds as though you are trying to mentally escape by switching off and if you are 'hearing voices' (schizophrenia), that is your mind trying to help you escape by sending you messages. It sounds extremely volatile and perhaps now would be a good time to seek medical assistance. If you are taking medication to control the schizophrenia and from the sounds of it, you are and it's working, you still need assistance with the depression, plus every day life. The PTSD symptoms are controllable and will ease once you get some help. If you can move out with your sister, you will still need assistance with her autism. Is she attending any sort of respite, if she isn't, I suggest you make some enquiries. There are some excellent services which will give you time out to re-charge and your sister can be taught simple things to aid her. Also you may be able to partake some sort of volunteer work which would give you some confidence which the PTSD appears to control. I have PTSD too and my job helps control it.

[ScarlettR]

I suppose I may have PTSD as I constantly think of past traumas that impact my mental health and, to an extent, my physical health.

I recently come off anti depressants but I have decided to go back as it seems to help with brain cell regrowth and therefore encourage me to keep going.

[Nikkir]

Hi ScarlettR,

Thank you for taking the time to reply: ) Its nice to get some feedback and no that you are ok. I think you got alot of good advice and understand from the BB voices. I think I could learn from you, it sounds like your life and all the interesting things that you can do where you live sounds like fun and good you have friends to confide in, so important and not that easy to come by in my experience. I hope that you continue to move forward in a positive way and make the most of what you have and what you can do right now whilst working towards bigger goals. Wishing you all the best and feel free to write anytime you feel like it. Nikkir x