This black dog has sapped the life out of me!

AnnaSpanna · ‎22-11-2016

I'm in my late 40s and have been fighting this damn black dog my whole life. And I'm totally exhausted from the fight. It's getting worse with age, as it did with my brother, who was dead at 51 and my father who was dead at 66 and my grandmother who spent her final days in an asylum in the UK. I'm not going to "end it" though, because I have a very loving and understanding husband and son, and I would never do that to them. But I find myself pushing people out of my life, usually because I can't be bothered dealing with people who I feel aren't on my side, and never will be. I can't deal with any disloyalty by "friends" on any level. I'm not sure if a bit of paranoia is creeping in or if I'm just at that stage in life where I'm getting very choosy about the people in my life. I can't be bothered doing anything. I've given up looking for work because I know I couldn't hold down a job anyway. The bad days are greatly outnumbering the good. Sometimes I go days without even bothering to shower. I have to really push myself to do even the most basic household chore. Everything just seems pointless, EVERYTHING! My medication works some days, and others not at all. I've never found therapy very helpful in the past. I'm worried that I'm in a downward spiral and not sure where it's taking me. I really don't know what to do to stop it. When Major Depressive Disorder is strongly genetic, as it is in my case, what can you do??? Not much I suspect! Except to hide myself away from the world and keep pushing people away. I know the pain that suicide causes those who are left behind, and I would never do that to my son. My brother's suicide a few years ago affected me greatly and that's when my downward spiral began. And of course, then there's the extremely dysfunctional childhood at the hands of an abusive alcoholic and depressed father. Nothing works. I'm so very tired from fighting with this black dog, I wish he'd bugger off, but I know he never will. I'm really only writing this to get all of this crap out of my head. I know I'm stuck with this for life. Thank you for listening.

V17 · ‎22-11-2016

Hey Anna,

You're not alone. I think it's really good for you to gain a little clarity by writing in here, even if you think it is venting, by actually writing stuff down for us to 'listen' you are identifying what is causing you to feel as you are. That is no mean feat Anna and takes courage; one thing I am learning is these little steps are the crucial steps. Good stuff! Welcome to the forums 🙂

Your reciprocated love for your husband and son really stood out to me and made me smile for you. Having understanding and support from people you trust is really important for you right now. Do you remain in contact with your GP? It may well be a good time to reach to them. Perhaps even take a copy of what you have written here if you feel it difficult to open up?

The BB helpline 1300 22 4636 has really helped me too.

I resonated deeply with you regarding disloyalty and understand how you can't be bothered with people who you feel aren't on your side. I have a tendency to push people away, too. I'm 43 and I think it is completely normal to want to be surrounded by those who you feel genuinely care for you. Toxic relationships and fair weathered friends, for me, means a quick spiral downwards. I need people of substance and I have found many of them in here in what they have written - not just to me - but to others both in recent threads of past ones; there's some great insight in here.

There is also a great thread called 'What is the meaning of life?' that I recommend you could read. Just type in the words and it will come up in the search - there is a great amount useful stuff (awesomeness) in that thread, I read it often and it has been helping me.

Do you eat healthily Anna? I say this because it has been proven to help people like us who have a mental illness (I've been diagnosed with depression/anxiety and PTSD) but I never tried it. I get it now, and it is helping. I love apples and oranges, actually; no - I just love fruit! There's also something satisfying when I am feeling down and I take it out on a carrot and snap a bite off of it.

The black dog is a bastard, Anna, especially when I try and make it heel. Two wise men in here suggested I try and not fight it and perhaps give him a pat. Acceptance was a big hurdle for me to overcome, I know he is there now and everyday, one step at a time; doing mindfulness exercises; finding something I am grateful for; handing stuff over to my higher power - keeps him from biting me.

Thinking of you, Anna.
V.

Nikkir · ‎22-11-2016

Hi AnnaSpanna,

Great name by the way 🙂 Thank you for your post and sharing, if it helps in anyway just to chat online or call our number 13 00 224636 then we would love to hear from you ! I cannot even imagine how you must feel and i am not even going to try to offer someone who has experienced so much suffering and grief any advice. I admire your courage that you keep on trying even though each day or some days can be very challenging. Sometimes we do take forgranted the simple things like getting out of bed or having a shower so on the days we do this, we should feel good and proud of ourselves and the days we don't its an observation. You have lost so much and yet you have so much as well. A beautiful son and husband that love you and it is good that you recognise that you would not want to put them through any pain but that you are sick and tired of fighting for some sort of peace in each day. I notice that you said medication can work sometimes and not other times, depends on the day and you don't want to do therapy. I can understand that as well, therapy can bring up more stuff than we already had and depending who you get, you can leave feeling raw and confused. Other times I have found some strategies helpful and having someone to talk to that won't / can't bring it up again quite useful. I think the main thing is stick with the GP and make sure the dose and medication is right and try to do self care which I am sure you know but do something for yourself each day even if its " saying one good thing about yourself each day or writing it in a book, or one thing you are grateful for" or get online and watching some inspiring you tubes, I am not sure what you are into but I used to love "Doreen Virtue " and Marianne Williamson. Doreen is a bit fluffy and airy fairy but sometimes I liked having an angel card to choose each day:) I don't do that so much anymore, I am more into hard science ! Just remember you are not alone, we are all in this together. Everyone has their battles not to take away from yours but to say that no one has a perfect life and each day we just show up and try to get through the day or do a little better than the day before if possible. Please let us know how you are going or if there are any resources or anything we can do:) Best Wishes Nikkir x

Ellu · ‎23-11-2016

Dear AnnaSpanna,

No, it is not going to be like this forever!! I have bi-polar disorder (I'm 63) and have suffered from bouts of crippling depression at various times during my life. I am living proof that you can get over depression and lead a fruitful life. When I was at my worst I was just like you - I didn't shower for days, pushed away all my friends, hardly spoke to anyone...I have been hospitalized several times, and the last time I was so out of it that I had to buzz for the nurse because I coundn't work out how to put my pants on!

The first thing you need to do is look at your medication. It obviously isn't working for you. You need to go back to your provider and explain what is happening and ask for your medication to be reviewed. Are you going to a GP? You might find yourself better off being referred to a psychiatrist, who has more experience with medication. It isn't always easy to get the medication and the dose right.

I can empathise with your desire to "end it all". I have felt exactly like that. But with the help of a supportive psychiatrist I was able to get through the bad times and get my life back. Don't give up! You have a lot to live for, so just take it one day at a time, knowing that you can get through all this and lead a fufilling life. I know, because I have been where you are and managed to get through it. I wish you well,

Ellu

AnnaSpanna · ‎23-11-2016

Thank you V, I very much appreciate the time you took to reply and found a lot of what you said very helpful. I've had a slightly better day today, as you do! Getting through the tough days are harder some times than others. I find my ability to bounce back from setbacks not as easy as when I was younger. It's sometimes hard to remember that the bad days don't last forever, especially when that dog has you by the short and curlies and won't let go. But, I MUST remind myself that I'm lucky to have a very supportive husband and son. I live in a very peaceful part of the country, with lovely mountain views and 5 gorgeous pets that help my moods greatly. I just have to keep that damn black dog at bay somehow. Thanks again.

AnnaSpanna · ‎23-11-2016

Thank you Nikkir. Having a slightly better day today. Hard to see the light on those really bad days sometimes. Had a very upsetting week last week and I think I had a delayed reaction to that upset. Anyway, thanks again for your lovely reply, I appreciate it greatly.

wantalife · ‎23-11-2016

That was an amazing post AnnaSpanna

And so much Heart put toward someone (you) in whom is feeling so stuck.

I can relate in many ways and still looking for that spark but have not given up hope

Thank you so much for sharing this post we both need to break a cycle. perhaps we will.

🙂

AnnaSpanna · ‎24-11-2016

Thank you Ellu. I know I have to keep hoping things will get better. I know I will never give up, my son and husband love me too much to do that. I'm feeling a little better today. I had a very upsetting episode in my life last week and I think it caught up with me the other night. I feel like I'm starting to come out the other side. Thank you for your helpful words and encouragement. Anna x

AnnaSpanna · ‎24-11-2016

Thanks wantalife. I'm slowly improving from how I felt the other night. It was a bit of a delayed reaction to a very upsetting episode in my life last week and it caught up with me and hit me for six. We mustn't give up hope. Sometimes hope is all we've got. Anna x.

Nikkir · ‎24-11-2016

Hi AnnaSpanna,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to us:) It is a good feeling, I always hope that what I am trying to say is that I can see you are in pain and wish things were different and hope they get better and that you are not alone. I am glad that you are having a better week I guess thats how life goes, mine does anyway. We are always here and thank you for sharing. I feel very priveledged to be a part of people's lives and intimate thoughts and feelings and often it helps me and others as well. Thank you and best wishes Nikkir x