Sad truth: Not everyone with depression like me is going to be your friend...

[JJ1981]

Hi guys

I got back onto this forum after a long absence- partly because of abuse that I received during some of my last threads.

My background with depression (or rather anxiety/depression) stemmed from a nearly unrivalled series of setbacks throughout my entire life of 38 years across two Australian states and involving both the Italian community of Australia (like my father) and the Angloceltic Australians (like my mother). To put it very mildly, I can say that despite enormous contributions made by the Italians in Australia and the increased acceptance and respect of both parties towards each other, there have been (more than) enough people from both sides who made my mixed blood look like a hideous mutative disease! Just ask the oldest fashioned Italians and all the followers of, say, Pauline Hanson!

Because of that, I was lonely, isolated, confused and felt scrambled every day on how to rise above all of the beliefs made against me. This lack of genuine respect from both sides may have been one of the biggest factors in me being prevented from becoming a "millionaire dad" by age 38. At my age, I am earning less money than high school dropouts in mines (despite having three uni degrees). I was likely nutritionally deficient as a child because my Australian mother could not understand how to properly cook Italian food (we had to shut up and accept it because "she's your mother") and it made me hate eating vegetables to this very day with brutal passion, despite their healthiness. I was seen as the only single guy in traditional Italian weddings at age 25 or so, when the eldest single girl was just 14! I was overlooked when trying to get into medical school over EIGHT YEARS just because I was seen by medical elitists as a "lower class wog". Even my maternal grandmother and uncle dislike my father and try to use him up for financial gain and to stay on my mother's "good side".

And, it gets better, have you seen all the videos of Italian stereotypes made by SuperWog and Sushi Mango? I have not really seen any stereotypes against British/Irish Aussies or Aboriginals by them, have I?

I can go on and on, but I have 2500 characters to type. I can say that depression now stays with me like a cancer partly because not every depressed person is a friend!

[Croix]

Dear JJ1981~

Welcome back to the forum, I've not read any of your previos posts so guess a welcome is appropriate.

Having anxiety and depression are pretty horrible, I should know, and trying to soldier on alone -particularly in adverse circumstances, is more than I could do. May I ask if you have been diagnosed and are being given proper medical help? I could not improve without it.

It is not easy to have mixed parentage, and if one side thinks little of the other it is easy to be caught in the middle and receive the hostile thought of both sides, getting to think less of yourself in hte process.

However I do see someone who has three degrees, a stupendous feat from which you can acknowledge yur strenght, tenacity and intelligence -it was you that did it.

Living in an environment of hostility cannot be good for you, have you ever given thought to simply leaving, and having a new life in an areas for whom Italians and Anglos are simply a normal part of the mix? The world is not full of Pauline Hansens, she is a small minority

There are films that poke fun at Aussies, the " Adventures of Barry McKenzie" comes ot mind, John Clarke and Bryan Dawe (7:30 Report) were another.

While everyone may not be a freind depression, as one improves can give insight and lead to empathy, not all are hostile, quite the reverse,

Croix

[JJ1981]

Hello, Croix (French for cross, right he he?)

Thanks for getting back to me.

To answer some questions. I have been diagnosed years ago, even though I may have had it starting from 12-13 years of age (this may have had my Year 12 TER score of 88.1 being "disastrous", even though I was in the top 12%). I had antidepressants, as well as valproate as a mood stabiliser. Saw one psychologist repeatedly, who made some help but not much. Even stayed voluntarily at a mental heath centre for two weeks...all I had was the hospital being paid $12K by private health, not much counselling and a psychiatrist calling me a "coward" for moving interstate from where my immediate family lived! The treatments didn't work, but I have recently started St John's Wort for a second attempt. It seems to be helping me.

In terms of me having mixed heritage, I find that it is ridiculously hard...partly because - even within my family - they pretend that one side is bad without actually saying that they are ashamed or embarassed of being, say, Italian - for example. One forum participant years ago told me "stop being so hung up on being Italian". She acted as if I had no right to be proud of who I am.

Italians and Anglos being "a normal part of the mix"? What do you mean by that?

I know Australia is not full of Pauline Hansons, but there are certainly enough of them in certain groups like political and media elites to have me worried. I stopped watching Channel Nine years ago partly because of that...ask journalist Christina Spiteri and she will give you an example of ethnicity being seen as "bad".

John Clarke and Brian Dawe...how could I forget that lovable duo? I saw them every Friday Night on A Current Affair when I was younger...fun to watch too, like the Pizza show on SBS, which actually jabs at everyone. You do know that John Clarke is Kiwi, right?

I do feel that having mental illness may lead to more sympathy for those with the same, but - as in the non affected population - not everyone will like me.

[therising]

Hi JJ1981

Ahh, what it is to live in a world where many aren't prepared to raise them self to meet a challenge. Sounds like you've come across more than a few of these folk over the years. Typically, folk like this would prefer to ignore the challenge rather than grow through it. Perhaps this is what makes some truly ignorant.

The mantra for the challenged may look a little like this

• Don't challenge me to be conscious of being more thoughtful and discriminate less
• Don't challenge me to cook more masterful dishes
• Don't challenge me to be more considerate of other's financial generosity
• Don't challenge me to see the positive open minded attitude that says love overrides racial differences
• Don't challenge me to see the benefits of having a staff which offers a variety of racially based experience

Before you know it, you're the only one trying to accept challenges and it feels like a complete rip off. You're constantly being challenged by those who refuse to rise above narrow mindedness. How is that fair?! Such people can pretty much suck the life out of you, when the goal is really to breath life into you and encourage you to be a social challenger of outdated limiting beliefs.

Getting together with people who love a challenge aimed at the greater good is empowering. When you get together with more open minded and accepting folk (who acknowledge injustice) yoo know it's not you with the problem. You go from a 'lone warrior' to being someone who finds their tribe and fights together.

Some of the time we're left to raise our self to the best of our ability, when those around us want to stay vibing low for whatever reason. Raising our power once again means finding people who want to help us do this. Yes, can be hard to find these people but they are out there (such as those who try so hard to bring people up through support, on the forums here). Sounds like you want to raise yourself above the point others have brought you to. I believe if we do come to find our tribe, so to speak, we find the most powerful version of self. Our tribe will say 'We're in this together. Are you ready for the fight?' This has typically been the way throughout history with all major social changes (race, gender, child rights and so on). Changes are made when individuals come together.

You're a powerful person who has longed to challenge many. Never forget this and never give up the good fight, for we need more people like you (open minded with greater consciousness).

🙂

[JJ1981]

Wow...a very inspiring and "outside the box" post, rising.

I suppose that me finding my own "tribe" of people who accepts challenges and honours me for taking on my challenges...that's probably one major reason why I left interstate. I didn't feel particularly powerful when I'm by myself taking challenges on my own...I may have made extraordinary progress, but as you put it, I may have still felt "ripped off"...because lots of people with far fewer challenges appearing to have made more progress in life than I did.

As I said, I would have been more than capable of being a "millionaire dad" at age 38 - instead of me not saving up money over the last two months due to one major expense after another...I have some money, but definitely not a big Swiss bank account. Or, me working for someone else instead of myself. Or, me having a wonderful wife and mother, instead of me having none and me wondering if the next women I date I have to end up marrying just because "that's how life works".

Settling...I have developed a big intolerance for it. It's this fear of settling that also fanned the fire of my anxiety and depression. For if I were to settle, I would have been "reliving" my somewhat sad childhood all over again!

It does feel good to challenge, but - boy - can it be so damn draining!

[Croix]

Dear JJ1981~

While you are right, Croix can mean "cross" in French, it has many other meanings in that language, so no "not cross" (if I can say that:) in my case.

Being proud of your Italian heritage? Why on earth not, it is part of you and and I would hope the thought would lend you strength when you need it.

I too loved The Rising's post.

Marrying the next person? Um, might I say I have married twice, and each time it is because I felt I could make the other happy, and would be happy myself. For me and my 2 partners it has worked well (OK my prescription is not for everyone, but perhaps something to consider.)

Not work for yourself? OK if that is important to you then I'm sure in time you will make it happen, as for a big bank account, if you find the secret whisper it to me here (nobody else will hear I'm sure:)

OK, the biggie I've put off till last, the idea that by settling down your own unhappy childhood will be present, even relived, and you may even be afraid of repeating some of the mistakes. Have I got that right? If I'm wrong and misunderstand please let me know and explain where I went wrong.

My childhood, which as I became an adult resulted in being formally disinherited, finding out that the love I had thought was present all my life up til then was a sham, had acted as a template of what not to do, and as a result maintain close relationships withmy offspring and partner. It has helped heal me. A bad childhood can work to your advantage.

>Italians and Anglos being "a normal part of the mix"? What do you mean by that?

There are are places where heritage is not remarkable in any way, this Forum is and example.

Croix (not cross)

[JJ1981]

Hello again, Croix...I shall leave the name as is he he...

I have never felt ashamed or belittled about me being Italian. It is actually one of the greatest assets I found about myself, even with me being half Australian. The problem I have is that there are LOTS of Italians in Australia who are ashamed or hostile about being Italian and you still have LOTS of Anglos in Australia who say that being Italian is "not the most ideal". It is them with the problem, but they have not been CALLED OUT on it! The shame problem got so bad that not only have you got negative stereotypes like Sushi Mango having Italian tradies preying on Aussies like innocent lambs (and trying to my dad's concreting business look bad), I even read about a new immigrant couple from Italy who claimed that the wife never fell pregnant until she left Italy and moved down under! It's like to them my suffering over decades as a mixed blood in one of Australia's poorest urban neighbourhoods never mattered to them! My life never mattered to them!

With your "two partners"? What do you mean by that? I'm a bit curious. Confidentiality is assured with me.

And, with your "biggie", it is pretty much right...except that I am afraid that not only will I relive my failed past, I will feel that it would be practically unescapable. Years ago, because of my family's struggle to do well in Australia (supposedly one of the best countries to exist in), I came up with a mantra: "Prosperity means freedom, poverty means forever!"

[Croix]

Dear JJ1981~

I quite agree with you there is some rampant prejudice in Australia, not everyone of course, but enough for one to be ashamed of their behavior. I do not know any answers any more that you. I wish it was different.

Your life and experiences are important, and I guess one of the hopes for the future is that people like yourself can act as living examples of the fallacy of these views.

2 Partners? Simple. I married my 'unsuitable' fiancée, the reason for my disinheritance. After 25 very happy years she passed away. Later I found another, and have had a further 20+ years of happy marriage. I'm blessed.

I'm not too sure abut your mantra. I'd certainly agree that sufficient money to pay the bills, and security it will continue, is a basic need. Beyond that however I'm not fussed. Recently my car broke down and there was enough to fix it. So a basic level of finance is a must.

With the biggie, as you already know I tend to disagree, just based on my own experience, which I admit is a pretty small sample. I deliberately do not overreact to an offspring's' views or behavior, and always try to be a person an offspring can come to for refuge or help, even if the have strained things in the past. I learned what not to do from my parents as I do not want my offspring to feel as I did. I suspect you might do the same.

Croix

[JJ1981]

Hi Croix

Thank you for getting back.

I do agree that I do not want my future offspring (from my future wife/wives (maybe)) to feel the same way that I did. It would be just too scary to get stuck into, like watching something really bad on the Dark Web. Hence, mental illness...as an adult.

I do feel that the "ethnic fallacy" will be unravelled with help of people like myself. Not everyone will still consider me as an equal, but it will be a great hope of mine that those who do not will have a glaring spotlight over them and face certain humiliation.

I salute all good people on both sides of the world, including yourself.

Many thanks for your inputs, Croix!

[Croix]

Dear JJ1981~

I think you are right and that the 'ethnic fallacy' will fade, even though it will take time. some people do not learn and they have to be replaced by a generation to whom such things are irrelevant.

I also think as peple get a lot older and their memories are more of when they were young, and even sometimes language skills revert, then they will believe "back then" was better, but lots do that anyway.

As for wife/wives. I guess I found firstly it was all strange new territory, but the bad examples I'd lived though did help. I knew for example simple things like if I shouted that would be hurtful , so did not. Not closing myself off was harder, but managed in time.

I like this place here, text may seem an old fashioned way to communicate, but does allow everyone to be on the equal footing. they should be.

I hope we continue to talk

Croix