Reaching out, do you feel like you can't?

KaraArtist · ‎09-12-2016

Do you ever feel like you can't reach out to friends and family because you're having another episode and it's the same as the last one you had and the one before that? I am sitting here trying to make my brain focus on work but I am screaming inside,I am desperate to talk to somebody but I feel like I will just be saying the same things I always say. I know it will pass but I feel so alone in this.

I have Schizoaffective disorder and that means I have mild hallucinations, mild delusions and Depression. Today there is a nagging beeping I can't find, points of light (I think I am also getting a migraine) depression and a sense of detachment from reality. How can I tell my loved ones these things without them shutting down? I am rambling, I guess I just want to see if anyone is around to listen to my madness or share in it.

girl_interrupted · ‎09-12-2016

All the time - I feel like I'm a burden or that no one is interested in what I have to say, or that people don't care or they won't understand... all of those things that go through your mind at the worst possible moment. It helps to let it out on these forums (or if you feel comfortable you could chat online later or call the BB hotline, they're very helpful).

I can't imagine what it's like having Schizoaffective disorder, but I have had mild psychosis and hallucinations before (several times) and sometimes my thoughts are quite extreme/delusional and I can get very paranoid. It takes a lot of courage to reach out to others when we really need to. That fear of being misunderstood, judged, scrutinized etc. . I hope you get some comfort in knowing that we are here to listen, without criticism. I'm sure there are others here who can relate and empathize with what you're going thru. Do you have a regular counselor that you can talk to about this kinda stuff? What are some things that have worked for you in the past, to get you thru an episode? I know it can be very isolating, what you're going thru. I am learning to challenge my distorted thinking and focus on my breathing, but it's not easy. Can you try some breathing techniques to help calm you? Thank you for sharing. Keep posting xx

KaraArtist · ‎09-12-2016

Thank you for your reply girl_interrupted.

I agree, I often feel like I am a burden on my family and friends when I get like this. My partner always reminds me that this isn't true and if it is then I don't need that person/s in my life. He is right of course but it doesn't change the way I feel in that moment. There's an online chat here? I didn't realise. And yes it helps me a lot to let it out in forums actually.

Yes I agree it takes courage to reach out when it gets bad, that fear of rejection is so strong. I have been told to get over it, why aren't I getting help and all kinds of silly things. But these are people I have walked away from. I actually have a wonderful psych who I see regularly, a naturopath who I talk with suffering similar problems and a good doctor who's trialling me on some medication.

Unfortunately in my past I used drugs and alcohol to get through episodes, so now I am learning to get through them without these things as I no longer partake in either. I also discovered Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and it changed my life. Taught me to brake the negative cycle of thinking and move past a lot of issues I was having. I have come a long long way but there is still stuff there waiting to find the path as I did before. And now that I have dealt with a lot of the depressive side I have more time to focus on the hallucinatory and disembodied side. However this also means I notice it more. I start a meditation group next week, I am hopeful that this will be another good stepping stone.

Agreed that challenging your negative or distorted thinking is very hard. I am having trouble even thinking about my thinking right now because I am afraid I won't be able to come back out.

Thank you for also sharing

girl_interrupted · ‎09-12-2016

It's hard work, just "being" sometimes isn't it? That's great you have a supportive partner - take advantage of that! He obviously cares a great deal about you, but yes it is hard to recognize what's real when we are caught up in that distorted thinking pattern, and we tend to push people away or disbelieve whatever they are saying. The online forums have definitely helped me through some tough times and continue to inspire and motivate me. Some wonderful people on here. There is a chat line - I think it's under "get immediate support" or just type online chat in the search tool. Very helpful. I've used it a couple of times and its really helped me. I had a really bad episode 2 years ago (just before I got properly diagnosed) and was fortunate not to be hospitalized, but I used the online chat and it made a big difference. Reaching out to BB was the best thing I could have done.

That's wonderful you have a good support network and it sounds like you take care of yourself and are health conscious. May I also suggest that you look for forums on Schizo-affective disorder? I've just found this website, from the Schizophrenia Fellowship of NSW. It may have some helpful information and advice/support. Also Sane Australia has some great resources.

http://www.sfnsw.org.au/Mental-Illness/Schizoaffective-Disorder

and this one: https://www.sane.org/people-like-us/294-sam

I hope these are helpful. Do you keep a mood diary? Keep posting and certainly utilize as much as you can from the web, especially BB and other reputable health and wellness websites. Take care for now x

girl_interrupted · ‎09-12-2016

Hey I forgot to add - well done on joining meditation - it's wonderful! So calming and centering. I hope you get something good from it, as I did. I'm sure you will! 🙂

Meridian · ‎10-12-2016

This is exactly why Ive joined the forum. Thank you for posting.

I have always dealt with depressive episodes alone. As many do, I learnt to hide the signs and 'bluff' my way through as a child. As an adult I managed to isolate myself until I was capable of picking up the pieces and continue with a believable 'bluff' until i came out of it.

lately I realise I really miss what I haven't had, someone to sit with me or check in on me. I don't see my family for few years now but they never acknowledged issues even though my mother was a nurse for 45 years. My teen kids are boys and they are off living with their dad now. I have a new partner who is amazing and capable but he has his kids to tend to and I certainly will not bring my problems into their world and its only a few months in. He would welcome me of course but I can't face the drive to get there.

So here I am again, sitting it out by myself. (Im sure thats been a song lyric many, many times! haha)

I have a mother, father and brother. I have two teenage boys. I have friends and work collegues and yet, no one has noticed or even asks about my welfare.

I think I was trained too well as a child to fly under the radar, don't cry or complain and work really hard not to be a nuisance.

Wondering how many of us were not nurtured or comforted as children and who as adults are unable and/or don't have words or skills to ask for what we need? Know what we need or even feel deep down, that we have the right to get comforted and supported? Feel like you could drop off the face of the world and not be missed.

KaraArtist · ‎14-12-2016

Sorry girl_unterrupted, I have been flat out and also flat lol. Thank you for the advice, I will check those links out.

Yes I am very lucky to have support. I had been lacking this in the past but I have taken myself away from the people who cause me to 'fake it' or just make me feel less than I am. Lots of hard decisions with great results.

Thank you for talking with me and I go to my first meditation tonight! excited hehe oh and yes I have a mood diary, in fact i am writing a book about living with depression. Even if it never sees a publisher it's been good for me.

KaraArtist · ‎14-12-2016

Welcome to the discussion Meridian. I apologise for such a late response, as I mentioned in the other reply I've been flat out and flat. I guess that's something we can all understand, being too flat to respond or check on responses to messages, emails ect.

I get where you're coming from with the 'bluff' when we grow up being told to 'toughen up' or 'get over it' we learn to just put on a mask and feign the happiness everyone seems to think we should have. My youngest sister is really good at this and that makes me sad. I am also pretty good but I have an amazing partner who I cannot hide anything from, even if that does annoy me at the time haha.

So with this in mind I have had success in deciding to let go of my mask, except for work purposes, that means I have put myself out there, mental illness and all for anyone to see and I do not allow people into my life unless they accept me for who I am. It's super hard and man does it play on my anxiety, depression ect but it has been worth it. I have stronger and more fulfilling relationships now and all those people that drained me because I had to fake it for them are gone. I do still find myself faking it out of habit but the people in my life now generally recognise when I do this and are supportive when I need them to be.

I hope you are able to come out from behind your mask and find people there who will love your true face.

Foxylass · ‎18-12-2016

I know what it's like to not be able to reach out. I'm feeling severely depressed right now and have for weeks. That was after a three month remission. I've exhausted all treatment options and been labelled treatment resistant. I live with my parents who just get angry with me if I'm unwell or god forbid go to hospital. I am on a disability support pension and my profession has been taken away by the national board for health professionals placing restrictions on me. They make me unemployable if I ever recovered. I've had to move to a state where the only people I know are my parents and support services are lacking. My Dr's parting words to me last visit were ,not very positive. I just feel I'm out of options. I will never know good health again and be forced to live with my parents until they die because I can't afford to move out.

Cucuboth · ‎21-12-2016

I too understand what it's like to feel like I can't reach out about how I feel. I first tried to reach out in 1999, after severe bullying at work (the last straw in a lifetime of bullying) lead to a breakdown and a suicide attempt. I found that doors slammed shut. My family basically said (and still say) to "suck it up, get over it, and just get on with life", they also believe that a male shouldn't talk about their emotions, and that I shouldn't "rock the boat" by wanting, and looking for, and asking for, more than what I have. I don't have any friends, never have. That was part of the problem. Doctors and therapists all said that things would get better. 17 years later and all I have heard from doctors, therapists, and basically anyone who has been told or knows about my loneliness, is that it will take a 'miracle' to fix. That it is impossible. And then they trot out the same old mouldy so called 'advice' that I have already tried over and over and over again. And now I have joined BB, I have found pretty much the same here. It all just magnifies the isolation.