Poor choices my whole life

[anamcara2]

Hi there, this is my first post. I have been on medication for two years and twice I have been to my GP to get advice on free councilling but I don't follow it up because I feel so foolish. I think I have been depressed most of my adult life but never recognised it as such. I used to believe I was a really nice kind person and couldn't understand the terrible things that happened to me. Now I know I am not a nice person at all and I have chosen my own fate time and time again. I'm trying to be a better person but I'm also realising now I'm not too smart either. Every decision I make to improve my life seems to be a poor one. I understand I can't outrun the depression so my questions are : how do I stop comparing myself to others. Others who can make it through the hard times in marriage. Others who are good parents. Others who are talented and are smart enough to work hard at that talent and achieve a level of success they are happy with whether at work, home hobbies, sport etc. others who finish what they start. Others who can accept who they are and be happy. Others who have a passion. Even others who make similar mistakes as I but don't seem to suffer the consequences. I know comparison is a fools thinking and I know I have not walked in others shoes. I just wish I had it in me to lead a successful life. I just don't know how to accept who I have been put on this earth to be and I definitely don't know how to accept how me thinking like this has affected my children. I have never really had a mind of my own and when I finally took charge I completely and utterly made a mess of that too. In the past I did fall into the trap of expecting things and others to make me happy. Now I know only I can do that ... except I can't. I've failed at that too.

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Anamcara, 

You jumped right in the deep in with your first post didnt you. 
I don't think there is a person on this earth who can honestly say they have never compared themselves or their own lives to someone elses and been left wanting. Even the most famous, most successful, most attractive, most talented people still have things they suck at and wish they could improve. I'm sure they also know exactly which person they would model that part of their life after too.

So in short, don't beat yourself up for having compared yourself to others. 

Why do you think you are not a nice person?
Making poor choices does not necessarily mean you are not a nice person. I think the fact that you are trying to improve yourself shows that you are actually nice, otherwise you wouldn't care!

I could go on about how everyone has something they are good at or that you just haven't found your calling, but I'm sure you know this and probably heard it before. It sounds more like you need to start by understand why you don't seem to like yourself? It's so hard to succeed at things when you start out assuming that you will fail. 
I think you should start by thinking of things you like about yourself and write them down.

I know, I know, sounds so lame. But I think you need to find positives in your life and in yourself.
Remember positives don't have to be things you do perfectly, they are just things you do or like about yourself.

The fact that you care about how your behaviour effects your children is something you can put on the list straight away. There are fathers out there who couldn't give two hoots about their kids so you're already a step ahead than them.

There is a thread on here about 3 things to be thankful for each day. Maybe you should start your day posting in there too. Just choose 3 things that are you glad for. It will start your day off in a positive day and if you have moments during the day where you doubt yourself, just remember todays 3 things.

[StefT]

Hey life has really got you down huh? I totally understand where you are at, it's a terrible feeling but there is a silver lining, it gives us the opportunity to reassess our lives, work out what we need to address and the motivation to do it. Please don't think you are a terrible person, we all make mistakes and bad life choices. Learn from them but don't condemn yourself, thats not helping you or the people you care for. Most successful in life people only succeeded because they tried and failed many times. We all compare ourselves to others at times which is not entirely a bad thing as it can show us things to strive for.

Please just take care of yourself for now, whatever it takes to get though the deep bad feelings you have. As Chicken Wings mentioned, look for small positives in your life every day. Posting on this forum helps when you are really down or just to have contact with people who understand. Just remember you are not a failure. You are talking a hard critical look at your life, thats not failing by any measure.