overseas and extremely depressed

[nick99]

We had to relocate to Europe from Australia because of a family emergency in my wife’s family. Pretty much pack up and move overseas. I just hate it here. It’s cold, expensive, I don’t speak the language, and I have zero hope of ever getting a job here. My job in Australia is still open to me so that’s a bit of a blessing. I don’t like my wife’s family much. They are cold and icy. My wife is just angry all the time. It’s a living hell. I want to go back to Australia, difficult with the current COVID situation. When we lived in Australia I worked and my wife stayed at home to take care of our three year old. I also did all the housework, all the shopping yet here she is totally changed. She has managed to get a job but the pay is terrible. You get more on the dole in Australia. We had quite a lot in savings but that’s gonna all be gone and I daren’t ask how much is left. I feel totally lost. I’ve tried to discuss it with my wife but she says she doesn’t want to move back and we have no family there. We barely see her family here anyway I think Australia is a much nicer place for a child to grow up. I am so depressed here. I feel like a animal thats been taken out of it's habitat and put in a cage. I have family in England but can't see them either cause of COVID.

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome.

It sounds quite stressful for yourself and your family - a family emergency and moving and among other things I see spinning around in your mind such as difficulties with language, finding a job, finances.

That you decided to move like this .. you seem to be a very caring and compassionate person. I am sad that it seems it is not reciprocated to you from your wife? Perhaps she is also quite stressed about the move and the emergency.

If you do a google search for

I based communication

You will find some pages that will give you tips for conversation with your wife vs arguments. Perhaps then you can find a way forward for both of you.

What sort of work did you do in Aus?

Your options might be limited at the moment in this new place.

What do you do with your time each day?

There may be opportunities.

Have you and wife determined how long you will stay overseas?

Sorry about all the questions. Careful I don't say anything stupid.

Listening, Tim

[nick99]

I think my wife wants to stay here. She thinks its better for our daughter because she has family here. I don't agree. We barely see them and Australia is a much nicer country to live. Our lifestyle is a hundred times better there. We can live quite comfortably on just on salary. Here the wages are awful. In Australia I worked in legal tech. Can't do much in the day because the climate is simply awful and its lockdown. Her father was very ill and died within a week of us being here.

[smallwolf]

It sounds as though you are really struggling adjusting to living in your new place. And being in lockdown would make it worse and impacting on your ability to spend time with your wife's family. The not knowing how long you will be living there might be playing on your mind as well? When will you be able to get back to Australia?

There are times when my psychologist tells me I should have a chat with my wife. And I will - it's an obedience thing. In having a discussion I am able to get something off my chest and together find a way of moving forward. Or compromise.

Perhaps a chat with your wife about the how long, and when you might be able to get back to Australia? Even if a holiday?

I know you don't like the cold and lockdown impacting... Are there any positives about the country in which you live?

[nick99]

I have tried to be positive about this place but it's very hard. The climate is god awful. Everything is so expensive and I don't speak the language. To add extra stress I have to start riding my three year old daughter to school on a bike, they drive on right side and i'm terrified I will have a accident. When we moved to Australia I certainly didn't throw my wife to the wolves which is how I feel.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Nick

I can feel your heavy unhappiness and I’m sorry for what you are going through.

My husband and I have moved countries, in very similar circumstances to you and your wife, so I believe I may have an understanding of how you both might be feeling.

Your wife has just lost her father and likely has feelings of guilt and responsibility towards her mother to work through. She is seeking a sense of family and wants your child to know her family and her country.

The pragmatic and financial issues you raise are not currently a priority because what matters to her right now is family, period. I can say this with some confidence because I was once her.

Over time I was able to see that my husband was really trying but struggling and this was affecting our relationship. Without meaningful work he was losing a part of his very being.

Once the novelty of our arrival wore off everyone went back to their own lives. It took time for me to accept that things were not how I had imagined they would be. The longer we struggled financially, the more clear the reality of our situation became.

We returned to Australia after two years and we were both happy with the decision. I felt I had given what I “owed” to my mum. Our children really knew their family and country. We had a plan to visit annually and to bring my mum to Australia for an extra visit each year. The money we budgeted to travel was eye watering but worth it—we’ve been married now 30 years.

If you give your wife some time she may see what you see and come to realise that your family of three has to come first. But she needs to see this on her own.

In the meantime perhaps you could try to reframe the situation. You give your wife the gift of time with her family and take the same for yourself.

You have a once in a life time opportunity to spend time with your child. She will never be three again.

Bundle up and build a snowman. Take her sightseeing, to the park, to swimming lessons. Read, paint and play with her.

Try to reconnect with your wife as partners and enjoy time as a family. Gently open the door to more serious conversations with your wife. Perhaps start by finding out why she is so angry.

Running out of word space but always happy to talk.

Kind thoughts to you

[nick99]

My wife has been angry before we left Australia. I think the stress of raising a child and the whole COVID thing didn't help. I just think we are so much better of living in Australia. I wasn't born in Australia but I have seen just how much nicer life is. It's very hard to find anything positive to say about this country. It's one of the big rich European countries, but it's cold, dog poo all over the place, expensive.

Now the roles are reversed and I don't think my wife would be able to cope with being the sole breadwinner, plus the wages are god awful. My wife is very smart and highly educated as well. In Australia I worked, did the house work, the shopping took my daughter out to give my wife a break. It just seems she's forgotten all that and I'm left to fend for myself in a country where I don't speak the language.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Nick

It’s really hard to settle in a new country and build a life, I know because I’ve done it.

I’m really sorry that you’re feeling unsupported by your wife and struggling with the language. My heart goes out to you.

The thing is that, even though you don’t want to be there, you are there. And you can’t live your life waking up everyday wishing you were somewhere else.

Somehow you’ve got to find the resolve to make the best of it for now. I’m talking about a conscious decision to find happiness. This doesn’t mean you’re accepting the situation as a permanent move, it means you are going to look after yourself.

Focus on what you have—a family—and go from there.

I would start by trying to learn the language. Is there an opportunity to take language classes? Perhaps there are free government services for new comers?

This might also be a good way to potentially make some friends and expand your world.

If not, perhaps your wife could teach you? I just think it would make life easier for you and ease your struggles if you could talk to others.

For your mental health, I think it’s important to build routine into your day. Spring is not far away which should expand your opportunities for exercise and outings.

And perhaps you could try to find some connections with others who speak English. Perhaps there is an Aussie club or club for people from your home country you could join?

Most importantly, is it possible for you to see a doctor for a mental health assessment? There are treatments available for depression and some professional help right now could possibly be of great benefit to you.

It sounds like you and your wife had a really good life in Australia. Do you really think she’s forgotten? I can’t see how.

Do you really think she’s happy now? I’m just thinking that she must be missing her time with your daughter and feeling a lot of pressure to keep the family financially afloat. She may also be unhappy with her pay.

Your wife has also undergone some really huge changes. I would try to talk with her and see how she really feels.

Even though you’re hurting right now and perhaps feeling some resentment toward her, you both really need each other right now.

Kind thoughts to you