Ouch

[Lake_meadows]

So woke up this morning greated with Ive had enough I want out we need to talk. Not really the way to get a good response from somebody with BPD. a 53 yr old male who 18mnths ago was lying in a bed in ICU because he tried to take his own life. Now Ihave done said hurt lied cheated and a whole lot more none of which Im proud of. Two things it would appear im crap at life and reltionships .I do take my meds and see my therapist and I try so hard but because you dont agree or do something another way your told its your illness over and over.really not the best thing to tell BPD sufferer .

Do I feel loved no abandoned yes all of what I have done I own my mistakes yes sorry yes . I dont relly know if i feel safe depressed alone and scared

I cant be intermit feel that ships sailed struggle with food and binge eating so not exactly slim taught and terriffic with low self esteem and the libido of a house brick dont think medication helps with it either just want it to stop. At 50 ish its too hard no easier to deal with now than it was then.BPD sucks and most probaly one of the hardest to treat. Hard to hold it all in just keep living the lie.

[JessF]

Hello Lake meadows, it sounds like it has been an exhausting and heartbreaking 18 months for you. Having your illness blamed for things when you feel you're trying your hardest to change and get better as a person must leave you feeling quite helpless. But you've survived, and that is a good thing.

Like your profile picture says, never surrender. You're not proud of the mistakes you've made in the past, but you acknwoeldge that you have made them and you're not trying to blame them on somebody else. Sometimes the best we can do is just to live each day and try and be a little bit better than the person we were yesterday. Sometimes we won't be able to bring everyone along for the ride, and that can be hard when you're left feeling abandoned.

I know this sounds cheesy, but the longest relationship we have in life is with ourselves. Don't abandon yourself while you're hurting.

[Lake_meadows]

Thank you JessF.

It is hard living with yourself that is one thing but living with what you have done to somebody you love well thats hard. Yes the longest relationship is with yourself but when you hate yourself thats hard . Trying hard and to better than you were the day before is great advice.

I dont know what will happen now all the photos and wedding photos were thrown out tonight, it felt like my life was going in the bin . Ive been writing stuff down each day because I cant tell anybody but it comes out on paper but then just sits there. What goes on in your head well I would not wish that on anybody else its vety dark sometimes. Funny at 53 I have the life skills of a 10 year old i dont get life how it works so its going to be a hell of a time ahead.in my work life I create things in my personal life I destroy them ironic really.

[Doolhof]

Hi Lake meadows,

Sorry to read your story. It is tough when you have so much going on, an illness and thent he self loathing as well, or at least being hard on yourself.

There is a thread here on the forum called something like "Do you like or love yourself". If you can locate that, it might be interesting reading for you.

My psychologist tells me I need to think of one thing I like about myself and build on that. Not always an easy thing to do when I have been beating myself up for ages.

Can you share what you have written with your therapist?

I find it can be very helpful writing stuff down. I don't always read it again though, just let it all spew out and then rip the pages up after.

Is it possible to get the wedding photos out of the bin or is it too late for that?

If you don't mend me asking, is your partner still with you or have they left? Is it possible to organise couple counselling?

I too have depression and BDP and realise relationships and life can be confusing at times. Have you done any reading on BPD to learn ways of looking at the world differently? I read a book on BPD and it helped me quite a lot.

[Lake_meadows]

Hello Doolhof thank you for your words. I keep looking at the pages I have written and I cant show them to anybody its some pretty heavy stuff, not something i could share even with my psychologist.

All the pictures have gone we are still in the same house but our paths rarely cross. Look I have done and said some shocking things and i know that but to be honest I think the prospect of living with somebody with a mental illness may be a bit too much.

Cant blame her she has been and is an amazing woman to me but i struggle living with me so it must be very hard for her. Yes reading is good but sometimes not so good BPD Men get it too DBT Skills work book.

I think the best thing for me is to be alone at least i can't hurt anybody.

[Doolhof]

Hi Lake meadows,

I'm sorry you are in such a situation. Living with mental health issues is not pleasant at times is it! That is quite an understatement isn't it!

Just last week I was wishing I was not here, but I am still here so will try to put one foot in front of the other and see what happens next.

Do you have any outlets for the times when you are feeling really low or maybe angry and frustrated? I find being out in the garden helps me. It frustrates the heck out of me when the dog next door barks at me for the whole time I am out there though.

If you don't mind me asking, are you able to accept your living arrangements as they are right now? Do you think you might be able to deal with this new kind of reality?

Some time ago my husband and I moved to separate rooms. He told me I repulsed him. Most of the time we are two separate people living in the same house. It breaks my heart some days. I don't have the funds to move out. I don't want to live alone. So I stay.

Knowing what to do can be tough. Hopefully over time your options will become clear.

Cheers, from Dools

[Lake_meadows]

Hi you know are the well really well Im not so sure sometimes. I don't think it would be living accepting the way it is like like existing. You sound as though you are doing it though. Once thing to know people think that of you but to come out and say it to your face is another. I really don't know what what next .