Bipolar and not sure where I fit in anymore

[ConfusionPersonified]

Hello

I'm at a real low point now.Again.My life has never been easy&I'm described by old friends as the 'strongest' person they know.If they only knew.

Over last few years I've turned into a terrible person.I moved countries with my husband&kids,I've no family here (we're not close anyway),&my marriage broke down soon.It wasn't amicable,we both played our part & only recently are managing to get along with each other.Funnily enough he's the one I reach out to in my darkest hours as he's the only person who knows my personal torment.

3 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar 2.I accepted the diagnosis immediately&dutifully took my medication for 2 years.I felt no different whatsoever,only40kgs heavier&more zombie-like but in terms of my behaviours nothing changed.I was still the binge-drinking lush I'd turned into previously& more self-destructive than ever.

I weaned myself off the medication18mths ago while remaining on anti-depressants&somehow convinced myself I did not actually have bipolar, only bipolar 'tendencies'.I was just enlightened - how dare that psych label my personality as a mental illness just because I liked the odd shopping spree&was more spiritual than him!

This reasoning remained through losing 2jobs, all of my friendships, any potential relationships&the loss of respect of probably everyone I know.Today,after a brutal weekend of drinking which I'm too ashamed to go into,I've walked out of my job as I know I can't do it anymore.Ironically I had been assisting people with mental illnesses find their way back into the community...what a phoney.I know it wasn't good for my own mental health to be the 'strong supportive' person I'm expected to me - I'd rather have my health than money.

I'm posting because I've no idea what to do with myself anymore,so fed up of living this way.I'm aware I'm now in a downward spiral following hypermania and I'm just numb, nothing there.I desperately want to hold down a job like I'd always done but I don't know what I can actually offer anymore.

I need to change but where to start?I already see a psych&will visit my GP to talk meds.But I need to stop feeding my anxiety with alcohol.I completely understand why drug addicts get to that point, that's where I'm headed.Self-hatred doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about myself, not in a self-pitying way.I'm just disgusted with what I am.

Would love to hear from anyone who's come out the other end of this, or any help at all is much appreciated

Thankyou x

[quirkywords]

Confusion personified,

I want to give you a reassuring hug and tell you I have been through a lot of what you have written and I came through while I still have a few bumps and stumbles.

I can feel your disappointment that you did the right thing took the medication but nothing changed except you put on weight. the thing is different treatments work for different people .Some are lucky like me and find the medication that suits them, albeit after 16 years of denial, the first time.

I was diagnosed with manic depression as bipolar was called then at 16 back in the 1970s and for 16 years I just went from chaos to chaos believing I was ok and not ill.There was no understanding back then, no support groups, and I felt ashamed.

I used alcohol when I was manic to make a good time better . I stole, I cheated I did terrible things I could not tell anyone.

I had 3 children in those 16 years and was ok while pregnant and breastfeeding all unmedicated. I did so much damage before I had children and some of it still affects me to this day.

It is so hard when you have self hatred and are confused and u sure where to start. you probably know what to do, what to say to others as you did in your job. Can you use that knowledge and compassion you help others with to help yourself. I know that sounds cliched but we have to be our best friend and not our worst enemies.

There is a thread on here called This bipolar Life, which is welcoming and supportive you can have a look , read some, post or whatever. We all have a different experience and are supportive to others and willing to be honest and share our thoughts.

The other thread is do you love yourself which is about trying to learn to like ourselves.

you may find these threads of interest to you.

I could go on writing for a long time, but I will stop.

I am here for you listening and your are not alone. I will support you.

Ask as many questions and post as much as you like

Thank you for posting your first post.Your post has really touched me and I know it is hard but you want things to change.

Quirky

[ConfusionPersonified]

Quirky,

Thank you so much for your response. You have described exactly what I have done and felt, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you sharing your experience. I can't even imagine the stigma of bipolar/manic depression in the 70's - I know everyone is supposed to be accepting and understanding of mental illnesses these days but when you're the one suffering with it the shame can be crippling. Well done for overcoming the chaos of those 16yrs, that's such a good word to describe it! I take a lot of comfort in knowing that there is a way out of this mess, even if does take me a few more years to get there. I can live with that 🙂

Yes the self-hatred is the worst part of it all. I can almost hear my own voice in my head, pleading with me to at least try to be kinder to myself, and even seek some good in myself, as though I were advising a client. Much easier to dish out the advise than to take it though!

Those threads sound exactly what I need, I'll definitely check those out.

Thanks again Quirky for taking the time to offer your advise and much needed support. Already I feel a whole lot less alone than I did only hours ago.

Maybe I'll see you on the other threads!

xx

[quirkywords]

Thanks ConfusedP,

It was really good to get your reply. This is your thread so feel free to post here when ever you like as well as checking the other threads.

After I wrote my reply last night after a very tiring day, I thought I should have acknowledged that while there is more information and support around now it is still difficult because everyone seems to be a mental health expert and give unwanted advice and tells you they feel a bit bipolar which makes me want to scream!!

The shame is crippling at times and sometimes people tell me not to mention I have bipolar.

I am very open and have given talks to community group but in some situations I know I will be judged. So there is still a way to go. I am sorry if I cam across as a bit preachy and saying things were so much worse way back when- not my intention and am glad you understood that.

My 4 Hs-they may not help you but they did help me.

Health physical and mental

Humour- may not come at first but has helped me

Honesty with myself and others

Hope- always have to hold onto hope.

Quirky

[ConfusionPersonified]

Thanks Quirky, I really like those 4 Hs. I think I'm going to stick those up on my bathroom mirror 🙂

Oh that makes me so annoyed too...no bipolar is NOT the same as PMS! It's comments like those that make me ashamed of my diagnosis. You didn't come across as preachy in the slightest. I consider myself lucky I was born in the 80s. I have a brother with Downs Syndrome and had he been born 10yrs earlier where I'm from, he would've been ripped away from our family and institutionalised for the remainder of his life. You're right though - we do still have a long way to go. My favourite is when the few people who do know of my struggles dismiss very valid reactions as just 'her bipolar', like I'm a toddler unable to control my emotions. My teenager does that all the time when I ask him to pick up after himself or take out the bins for the 5th time! I suppose mania can be like being a small child sometimes. All inhibitions and reasoning go out the window & replaced with heightened emotions that can't really be controlled in the midst of an episode!

That's fantastic you have given community talks. I wish there was a support group available for bipolar people, like there is with drug and alcohol groups. I've looked in my area but the only things available seem to be meet-up groups where you have to join online, so everyone can see your name and picture. It's not anonymous like here and you have to have a clear pic of your face in your profile. I'm definitely not that brave yet!

[ConfusionPersonified]

May I ask, how do you deal with differentiating between what is a manic/hypomanic state and just plain happiness? This is something I really struggle with. I'm an all or nothing person anyway and when I take on a new project or idea, I immerse myself in it completely. But I can never trust my determination because there's always that doubt that I may just be manic.

Same goes with being content - it never lasts too long because I start to worry I may be on the way 'up'. For example today, I'm so desperate to feel well again and get my life back on track I've come up with some strategies of how to help myself (such as attend a group to help me quit alcohol, puzzle books/colouring to help me stay grounded, meditate, exercise etc). I recognise I'm in a depressed state but there's a part of me also that's worried all of these strategies may just be new ideas/projects I'd have at the very beginning of a manic state. And I can't really trust that when I feel good again I'll revert back to telling myself I'm fine and all this was just a silly over-reaction.

Does that make sense? I'm so eager to get to see a psychiatrist so I can at least feel like I'm doing something to control my emotions - wish they didn't take so long!

CP xx

[quirkywords]

confused,

I still struggle with differentiating between mania and happiness and that is why I don’t really want to be happy just aim for not being unhappy if that makes sense.

I really relate to what you say and over the decades I know I can be sad without being depressed but because my mania disrupted my life so much and destroyed my reputation at one stage , I am vary wary of being happy at all.

Are you aware of the signs of when you are getting manic, for me, it was spending too much money, talking even faster than I usually and being very irritable and angry with people who I thought were not as clever as me., and more.

Making plans to go to groups and get well sounds ok but only you know if you are over doing it. I think because this surge of energy will not last we try to do to much as we are worried we will soon be too depressed to do anything.

Is there anyone you can really trust who knows you, who can run by your ideas and they can give you feedback. I ask my partner if I am spending money on something just to make sure it is a rational buy.

I also relate to people blaming everything on the bipolar, an ex said to me oh it’s just your condition so it had nothing to do with his drinking, his iresponsibilty or his aggressive behaviour, it was all due to my bipolar.

Inwas thinking maybe you could make some notes from what you have written from your posts and put them in point form and use them as prompts when you see the psychiatrist.

the hardest thing I found once being stable in my moods was knowing who I was.?

Was I the loud fastvtalking woman with lots of ideas and very irritable and extrovert or the quiet , slow person who talked little and wanted to be alone. Who was I?

I have worked out I am both and I am also an almor nothing person even on medication but just not to the extremes I had before.

It is hard to trust ourselves when we have done so much to doubt ourselves but I think we have to learn to do that. I still am working on that.

Quirky

[ConfusionPersonified]

Quirky,

I also aim for 'not unhappy' - I'm far more comfortable with just being content, it's a lot more peaceful for me.

I feel like I've had a lot of epiphanies this week, now that I've had more time to process everything. I've been booked in to see a new psychiatrist on Monday so that in itself has allowed me to believe I'm closer to getting well again.

Thanks for the suggestion of bringing along notes to my appointment, great idea. I've been thinking about my signs pre-mania (although I never really realise until it's too late) and for me it's also thinking I'm smarter than everyone else, spending and becoming irritable, much like you, but also bizarrely, thinking everyone around me is suddenly much more attractive, including myself! Plus the usual of talking too much, only sleeping every second night etc.

Fingers crossed I'll get the right medication on Monday!

Thanks for all your advice Quirky, I'm going to pop in to the other threads you've suggested and arm myself with as much information as possible.

Have a lovely Friday 🙂

CP xx

[quirkywords]

CP

I have a lot more signs of mania but I was trying to keep it respectable !!

I am glad you are trying to be a bit positive and hopefully your new pysch can help.

Look forward to seeing you here and on other thread there are so many interesting threads here.

Thanks for the update.

One good thing about coming back to your own thread is you chart how you are going as everything is dated.

Quirky

[Tams20]

Hi CP (and hello Quirky 🤗)

I also have bipolar 2, recently diagnosed at the tender age of 42, and can relate to a lot of what you have written. Particularly the alcohol, I’ve self-medicated with alcohol my entire adult life, the only thing that slowed me down was having kids... even now I still like to hit the booze, I just need an excuse for it and it needs to fit in around family commitments... Jokes aside, I still cringe with shame when I think of some of the things I have done...

Quirky has given some excellent advice, as always. We’re both regularly on the This Bipolar Life thread with a handful of others, it’s a good place to chat about the sort of things you have described above. There’s always someone on the thread, so it’s good for support if you feel things slipping a little or need some advice. Or just to vent. We’re always keen to have new people drop into the thread so I hope to see you on there!

Tams