Not trusting the advice

[Lassi]

Hi my husband has recently been diagnosed with clinical or severe depression. 

He has been under extreme pressure at work and financially for years and since around the beginning of this year he seemed to become more and more overwhelmed. Then in more recent months he strated avoiding coming home and withdrawing from me and our kids.  We could not get hold of him as easily as before - he was always at work day and night, stopped responding to calls, messages and emails.  Then he spent 6 weeks interstate and overseas - normally he would return between trips even if just for a few days to be with us but this time he didn't.  Upon his return about a month ago he left after a few short hours of being home - overwhelmed. He never returned home.

After spending an entire day working from a local park bench (unable to enter his office) he finally accepted my help to find him a psychologist and to see a GP for underlying health issues that might cause depression.  I understand he is currently on medication and seeing his psychologist weekly.

I am also seeing the same psychologist to help me get through this difficult time - we were supposed to attend together so that I could have the best chance of understanding what what going on but at his first session with me he clammed up and I had to leave the room so that he could open up.  When I was brought back in I was informed that my husband would be leaving the home for a month to clear his head. I was also informed that therapy would continue for both of us but not together and that he would maintain contact with 1 weekly phone call to say hi to me and the kids.  He has been gone the full month now with no signs of returning and the phone calls have not really been happening.

I suddenly find myself alone, confused and quite in the dark.  The phsycologist keeps reminding me that he is likely to be gone for much longer than the prescribed month and that he'll need lots of time.  That I should just leave him alone until/if he decides to make contact and that once he is able to think and feel again that then we might then be able to work on the marriage (he has questioned whether he would rather be alone than continue with our family).

I feel completely helpless and after such a long separation and distance (viturally no communication apart from financial matters) I am startting to feel that I am not even able to enquire about his health.  It feels like we are divorced and I have no claim to my husband anymore or him to me.  This does not seem right to me and I am really worried that this lack of contact is detrimental to him and potentially to our family.  Our 3 year old daughter asks for him daily and questions why he is working away for so long.

He is severly depressed, working alone and living alone 24/7.  I am not to call him or SMS him about anything personal - not even to ask how he is going or to tell him I love him or miss him or to send him a picture of the kids.  This all seems quite strange to me, would have been unimaginable for our relationship just 6 months ago and conflicts other advice I have been given which was to never leave him isolated and alone. 

Just looking for some feedback.  I don't force myself onto him as I don't want to put any pressure on him but leaving him alone like this goes against my intuition.  I worry that he might feel abandoned.  Even though he says he wants the space might he secretly be feeling like nobody cares enough?

Against my therapists advice I have contacted him on very rare occasions and once got a positive response - he asked me to join him for his GP visit that he had been avoiding until I said I'd arrange the appointment for him.  This would not have happened if I just left him alone as instructed. 

I am so torn, confused and worried.  Frozen into inaction for fear of doing the wrong thing by insisting to be part of his life and all the time that I leave him alone I worry that I am not doing enough to support him.

Sorry for the long post - any advice and personal accounts would be welcome.

 Thanks

[Lassi]

David,

Just want to say, I love your posts. I look for them 🙂

I read one of your replies to another thread and it really made me check myself.  Made me ask a few hard questions of myself - about my thoughts, actions and  reactions, my conduct etc etc.  It was a nice little slap in the face and I was glad for it. 

I was overall pretty comfortable with my self analysis (I didn't detect anything too shameful) but I did notice a few little things shift after reading it.  My perception changed - I had a better insight, a greater awareness.  I found myself feeling kinder and softer towards my husband (despite the cold distance he was maintaining).  A little bit more of the "scared wifey" was killed off and a little more of the supportive, nurturing partner welled up.  So, thank you!  My tone changed when I was in contact with him and I felt better for it.

Coincidentally, I also noticed that he seemed a little more open on Thursday.  It was very, very subtle but I noticed it.  I wondered quietly if his meds had started working and I hoped and prayed.  The next day we spoke and for the first time in 5 about months he seemed keen(ish) to be on the phone.  He suggested we catch up (meeting him tomorrow) and that we start seeing our therapist together.  I was shocked and thrilled!! I honestly wasn't expecting this development for a good 6 - 12 months. 

I can't wait to see his beautiful face tomorrow but I must be honest - I am a little scared.  Worried I might say the wrong thing becuase I am so out of touch with how he is going at the moment.  Worried about what things might trigger him to clam up. Worried I might do or say something dumb that will make him feel horrible when we part. Worried that I might seem to eager and scare him off.  Going to try to follow his lead and keep it toned down.  Not sure how else to approach it.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Lassi,

Re-telling domestic disasters liking burning the eggs, destroying the kettle by not putting water in it to boil and the cat vomitting all over the carpet are always a safe bet.  Remember the time when.........   "You know your 200kg Aunt from Quebec is coming to stay next week - better reinforce the porcelain toilet".  That kind of thing.

Kind of interesting you have a positive slant on some of my comments cos only 6 months ago I went the same way with another responder (in a similar situation) and she complained about me to BB and then told me I was responding a lot as I "must have lots of free time".    I guess we are all different and if a stranger seemed to have a go at my own self indulgent depressive mood I would be put offside too.  Infact, the last neighbour that did that to me pissed me off so much  (sorry, I think the comment was "there's no such thing as depression, you fat bastard") that I decided to give this slightly ignorant neighbour a cheesecake.   Then, in my imaginative sheme, on leaving his driveway, when he'd given me the "what's this for ?" routine, I had planned to say casually "Oh, I do this every year for the worst comment on depression.  Have a nice day".

I got the cheesecake.   Mmmm.    The succulent strawberries, full whipped cream, biscuit squashed base, light fluffy texture, serves 6 cheesecake never quite made it over to the neighbours house.    I'm not sure where they get the phrase "sweet revenge" from cos it's impossible.  Maybe the moderators can help me out by sending me a cheesecake next time I get an overly edited response.  Purely for academic indulgence.  I'll settle for a carrot cat.

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear Lassi, yes all I wanted was to be alone, but at that stage was when I wanted her back was when I was in denial, trying to keep my security blanket, but then my depression got worse and then I wanted to be alone, no noise, no communication and not having to do anything.

My ex didn't have depression she was annoyed that I wouldn't make an appointment with my doctor and then get a referral. Geoff.

[Lassi]

So meeting up yesterday was very emotional and gut wrenching. 

Somehow we got onto the topic of our relationship (so much for keeping it light hearted).  He says he is unsure as to the actual source of his depression although he does note many circumstances from his life including his childhood, business stress, financial, extended family issues and ....our relationship.  He is unsure at the moment as to whether he will want to return to our marriage and won't be able to think about that at all until he finds himself again. 

This is the hardest thing I have had to hear.  What is happening to my husband and our family right now is hard enough but now I can't stop myself from looking back over the past 5 years (been together 14 years but we got married and started our family 4 years ago) of history, great times, hard times, major milestones etc and reassessing what was really going on - he wasn't happy with "us" all that time?  This is heartbreaking to hear.  When we were saying our vows?  Having kids? Working together on his business?  Having annual anniversary celebrations, family holidays, date nights, laughing together? This cuts very, very deep.

I keep trying to tell myself to take it in my stride that he is still heavily depressed and may see thigns differently when he gets better - may even disbelieve that he ever felt this way BUT the doubt niggles at me. 

So the question that keeps running through my mind is - how much clarity does he have right now?  Is the depression helping to see things clearer and be more blatantly honest about things without his usual regards for other's feelings? Or is the depression clouding his thoughts/feelings and making him say things impulsively that he may not necessarily be true?

Guys, am I using this forum wrong? Am I meant to starting new threads for this?

[Lassi]

LOL David,  love that you ended up eating the cheesecake - why waste good cake on a jerky neighbour 🙂

I guess I had the luxury of reading the comments without them being aimed directly at me - much easier to assess myself privately I guess. I've been lucky that everyone has been kind in my time of reaching out ... if I had received difficult to swallow comments I may have been scared off never to return to the site.  I think I was truly looking to measure my reaction to the situation too so it was great to see those raw thoughts on the screen.  Sometimes the message can get lost when we choose our words so carefully.

[Lassi]

Apologies Geoff for my error in referring to your ex.

That is where my husband is right now - wants to be alone without any disruptions (except he continues working in his business).  He says he might start seeing the kids on weekends.  That would be great for the kids as they are missing him so badly.  So I am really not sure why he suggested meeting up with me yesterday - he said it was on impulse but then he followed through with it.  I guess it was a one off and not likely to be repeated especially since it was clear that conversation is premature right now.  I wonder how long I will have to sit and wonder and pray that he comes back to us. 

Anyway, sorry, I'm being a drag today - new wounds a bit too fresh.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Lassi,

The positive is that you met up with your depressed slightly estranged husband.

Bear in mind that depression wraps up anything negative (over 5, 10, 20, 50 years) and presents itself as a block.  I have 2 kids going to London today but couldn't help myself from saying "Hope you get treated better than I did" as I had enormous trauma and left England because of it. And that was in 1990 !   Die Hard 7 !

Probably the reason things toughened out was that you didn't have a plan.   You couldn't say - well, we'll meet every Sunday fortnight.  So the temptation for your ill husband is to make big decisions too quickly.  Maybe you  can see that this is still part of the whole problem.  It's early days.   When he's saying it wasn't good for a long time he is also very carefully avoiding any judgement from you.

If you read your response back you'll see it's full of doubt and uncertaintly.  Just what a depressive partner would probably engineer to avoid any self blame.   You gotta use a bit more psychology here.   You are thinking of it 10 hrs a day and he's fully 24/7 and sleeps with it.  PIck out some other stuff that he'll throw in your face and you might be able to absorb rather than react.  Tough call though.

Adios, David.

PS  I wouldn't bother with a new thread - you have a valid situation and you could still be adding to it in 6 months or 2 years.  As Geoff will tell you responders don't get much in the way of updates so it's refreshing to hear of developments and how you are going.  The more regular the contact the less threatening.

[geoff]

dear Lassi, absolutely no need to apologise.

I have a tendency to lose track of posts and ones which I had hoped people would respond to, but I think that it's because of my lack of IT knowledge that it's put somewhere else, or that other people have replied so my half brain can't mentally keep up, and even looking in 'my posts' can be difficult, so this brings a point to Christopher and The Troopers if there is any solution, but then I'm probably one of a few who has this problem.

Going back to the old site there was no problem, sorry Lassi to divert from your post.

To answer your question ' is the depression clouding his thoughts/feelings and making him say things impulsively', well yes, we don't have the ability to think clearly in depression.

We tend to say that we will do things in say, 2 weeks, 2 months or even 2 days, but that's in the future, it's not now, and when the time comes we tend to back away or procrastinate or make up an excuse, and it's not because we chicken out, it's because we are afraid.

As David Charles has said ' he'll throw in your face and you might be able to absorb rather than react' is so true, because how can you argue with someone who is depressed, and if you do, then this will only make the situation worse for the both of you.

This brings me to a point that someone made, that when anybody wants to talk about their depression then just listen, don't keep throwing question after question at them, because will certainly close the door.

An interesting post and ' I wouldn't bother with a new thread - you have a valid situation and you could still be adding to it in 6 months or 2 years'. L Geoff. x

[Lassi]

Thanks David and Geoff,

I find your insights really helpful. 

Geoff I completely understand that "agreeing to things in the future" thing and then backing out.  I remember doing that a lot in my teens and early 20s.  I was quite depressed back then and didn't know how to fit in with my peers.  I always remember wondering what was wrong with me and felt embarrassed making my apologies like I thought that others would know that it wasn't because something came up.  I always wanted to participate with my peers but then as the event approached I just couldn't go.  My husband recently told me he was even scared of everyone - even his kids -  and that was his reason for being 4 hours late to come see them.  Maybe that is what he was going through - I'd never thought of it that way before.

Thanks for the advice guys, I will try to toughen up and take hurtful comments if/when we next communicate with a grain of salt and I'll try to move past the last meeting as it is still hurting me deeply. It is hard I think because he is normally a very kind and compassionate person and now he is cold and distant.  Makes his words very believable.