How can apathy and frustration by my constant companions?

[robynmary]

hello new friends, I lost my georgeous father in April 2011 to the sinister disease - Alzheimers.  have been on antidepressents for years and still just don't care enough about what I used to care about.

I don't care about paying my bills.  I don't care about my house, my car, my stupid useless possessions.  I don't care if the people I work with give a hoot about who i am or what i do or whether i am happy or sad or neutral.  i don't care about looking after myself healthwise. i don't care about the fact that i can't climb out of my cave of sadness.... i think i like it here... i think maybe i deserve to be here.  the world no longer makes sense to me.

i do care about my son and my mother and my brothers and my mum.  i care more about them than i do about me, and I know that's not healthy.  I haven't felt excitement, joy, surprise or any such emotions for years since my father became sick - my main emotional companions these last 2 years have been anger, frustration, with apathy dragging his ass not far behind.

okay, so i just let my feelings type themselves out then... i sound scary

is there anyone out there who, like me, is finding it so hard to move on from loosing a loved one to Alzheimers??????

people who have known me for a long time tell me I am not the happy, quit-witted fun person I used to be.  i know.. i miss her, too..

Robynmary

[MaryG]

Hey Robynmary,

My father died in January 2011, not from Alzheimers, but from lymphoma which destroyed his mind at the end. I understand how completely devastating it is. My own fall into a deep depression started when he first became ill half way through 2010. I held it together and was there for my Mum and family till the end. After his death I moved immediately to another country and found myself completely isolated from work and normal life. I was with my husband and son but really didn't know how or where to get help. I sank deeper and understand completely how you are feeling. I cared about nothing and I think I almost deliberately pushed myself away emotionally from everyone close to me. Suicide went from being a fleeting thought to what seemed like a viable option. I began drinking heavily in an effort to self medicate. It didn't take long to become a problem and an all day activity. I sought some help late 2012 from my GP and a grief counsellor but I wasn't completely honest with either of them about the alcohol or the depression. Afer over three years now of trying to help myself and just making things worse, I am finally getting some real help and actually being honest with myself and the people that are trying to help me. It is early days but I do feel some hope at times that things will get better for me. I am so new to this world of support and help that all I can say to help you is that it is really hard to admit you need help and you have already done that by posting here. I find it really helpful to write down how I am feeling and yes it scares me too sometimes when I read it back. There is a lot of help here on this site and I really hope that things get better for you.

Mary

[robynmary]

Hi MaryG, 

thanks so much for replying.  appreciated so very much.

don't know if it's part of depression but socially i want to hide, hide, hide.  even family events like birthday parties and celebrations I get angry and badtempered when i receive them and lament about 'time to myself' that i never ever seem to get...

the moment i have something to go to / be responsible for on, say, a weekend day off work ... i get very pissed off that my day has gone from "nothing to do, no responsibilties and commitments" to "now I have to go somewhere and pretend to want to be there".  

just wondering why i am so antisocial

thanks for your time and thoughts, MaryG  (my mum's name is Mary 🙂

[MaryG]

Hey Robyn,

glad I was able to help. It helps me too to share an experience. That is one of the great things I have discovered about this site. It is great therapy to listen and offer thoughts or words to others that might help a little. It is a very positive experience.

I get your dislike for social gatherings. I find I am desperate to be alone at times yet when I am I feel lost and alone. I'm not sure what I am looking for in solitude. I travel reasonably often for work and I get so excited that I will be living alone for a couple of weeks in the lead up to the trip. When I am there and alone though I get so depressed. Strange how it all works. I don't understand. 

I have been using alcohol to help get through social activities for some time. I had my first without any alcohol just recently and surprised myself that I actually had a good time. 

It's exhausting to put on the happy face. I know. Are you getting any professional help? I have just started down that path with a psychologist and I am finding it very helpful.

Your mum has a nice name 🙂

Mary

[robynmary]

hi maryg

thanks so much again for 'talking' to me.  i have been to my GP and now have a referall to a psychologist. 

hope this message finds you well and in good spirits

thanks for caring - robynmary 🙂